Where to from here?

[Xiomara]

I’ll start with a confession. Yesterday I told my husband, who has depression, that I was done. No more. That’s it. Over. I told him he could go wallow in self pity without me.
We live with the long grey shadow that follows him everywhere, trying to drag me into its darkness.
He returned a week ago, from a trip to visit family. He went with our adult daughters to have some bonding time. I asked how the trip was, I got complete silence. Not much out of my daughters either, other than 'his mother, geeze!'. So obviously something went awry. He has had a fraught and complicated relationship with his mother and his siblings. There is abandonment, jail, suicides and death from cancer in the family history, all very painful. In the past few years, I have seen his desire to reconcile with them, so I gently encouraged it to help him on the road to heal the rift, before it is too late and there are regrets. Last night, I said that I knew something was up and I was there if he wanted to talk . Accusations flew out him that I called his family evil , that his problems were none of my business, they don’t affect me in any way, I was at fault for not going with him, I should butt out of his life I'd never asked him about his trip, he told me all he had to say in texts ( 2 texts in 2 weeks) and that he had nothing to tell me.
To my detriment, I can’t hold my tongue. Seriously, is everyone who cares for a person with depression wonderful all the time? Far out, I’m a really bad person if so.
I launched a tirade back, borne of deep hurt and years of living with this shadow in the room that I can’t see and can’t fight, but which wraps around him like an iron cape, stealing him away and leaving me far out in the cold.
So I said my terrible finale. I'm really shouting at the shadow, but it is him that gets hit with the words. I meant it and not meant it at the same time. I am done with the shadow. Well and truly. I am not done with the person beneath it. The problem, apparently, is I have to accept both, or neither and I’m so pissed off about that. It is NOT fair. There are three people in the marriage.Me, him and the shadow. The shadow gets all the attention. Last year was hard for me. I lost my mother and a close work colleague/friend. I had a hard time at work with a nasty boss. I need support too. None comes for me. I'm lonely and angry and sad. But most of all I am tired of the shadow.

What do I do now?

[Xiomara]

Thank you Mary, your words mean a great deal, especially as we also have been married 30 years. I am terrified of the financial implications of leaving, being really scared of that horrifying new statistic that women in their 50s are ending up divorced and homeless at greater rate than anyone other demographic. The first 20 years were fantastic. We never argued, hardly even disagreed. He was ( and still is) a great and involved parent. He works hard. The decline started about 10 years ago, coming and going and settling in full time around 5 years ago, with the onset of age related health problems. I believe it is a psychologist that he sees, he originally did the 6 sessions thru Medicare, I think, I don't actually know, because I have never received a straight answer to my question. I have spoken with the girls, as they are adults and they are supportive, but one lives overseas and one lives interstate, so it is tricky. I have become adept at recognising when the shadow ( black dog) is talking and when it is my husband,the tone is completely different. I don't believe that he has fully recognised yet that he has depression. I suppose the hard thing is that the person they are talking to, is always just me. I am so utterly conflicted and confused and scared. My head is saying: run, get out, leave, go talk to a lawyer, pack your bags, sell the house, have a chance at happiness. My heart it going: 30 years, holy shit I've spent more than half my life with this man, he is not a bad man, he does not shout ( he barely talks most of the time there is just silence, but not the companionable kind) this man has never ever done anything untoward to me, this man I promised to be beside in sickness and in health and I'm just going to admit defeat and failure and walk out, what the? I can't sleep properly, I must be boring my two besties to death with it and I just cannot encourage him to talk. and I know that badgering is useless so I am not doing that either. I am staring at a brick wall right now and I am freaking out.

[geoff]

Hello Xiomara, perhaps I'll briefly explain my situation, our marriage lasted 25 years, and the last year or two was the worse, I was the person who had depression and self-medicating using alcohol, 2 adult sons who had left home and moved a couple of hours away, mother in law was staying with us and she was never a problem.

We had an adventurous life as couples do, but with one major consequence that happened to me, but as time progressed I had a breakdown, no one could talk to my shadow, so my wife moved out with her mum, and then eventually divorced me.

I can't blame her for doing this, but we still talk and see each other at various times and looking back at it now, no matter how much I wanted to stay married to her and live in a house we had gutted and redecorated, there was no other option.

I'm happy and that's what you need to do, enjoy the many years ahead of you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[White_Rose]

Dear Xiomara

Thank you for your lovely reply. Yesterday was my birthday and I had a party with my family and friends. My daughters basically took over the food and drinks while my grandchildren enjoyed taking food platters around. My sons-in-law, my son and my ex did the heavy lifting like putting up the shade cover, mending the big umbrella so that I can use it again. My daughter-in-law to be and my eldest daughter installed the printer the family gave me for my birthday and all the washing up was done although most of it was disposable. They even emptied the bin.

Such a lovely time. The girls told me to go and talk to my guests so I did. Even though my husband and me separated 18 years ago I have grown accustomed to him being at family gatherings and he was on his best behaviour. I think one or other of my daughters had put the hard word on him. So how is this helping you? Well there is life after divorce and I was able to build a house. My children had all left home by then. Supporting myself was a worry but fortunately I had a good job. I was so pleased I rejoined the workforce when all my children (4) had started school. I think without that lifeline I would have been in a pickle.

Sorry to rabbit on about myself. I still feel so blessed to have my family and know they love me. Even when I do not see them often enough I know they are there for me and I lean on them if necessary. You do not need someone living with you to give you support. Try phoning your daughters. I know some of the phone companies offer cheap rates to nominated overseas phones. Why not look around and see if you can get a deal like this. My 'packager' includes interstate calls as well as local all with no extra charge. Alternatively get Skype and talk that way. It only costs if you use Skype to make phone calls. Perhaps your daughters can install Skype on their computers and you can see each other when chatting. I have found it comfortable to chat to my family, both boys as well as the girls. How does that sound?

I see James suggested getting some help for yourself and you sounded surprised. I believe you are in a grief and loss situation. The man you married has been absorbed into the shadow much of the time and this is so painful for you, particularly as you have such happy memories. Can you have a chat to your GP? Basically tell him/her what you have said here. Copy your posts print it to show the doctor. It will help him/her to understand why you are seeing him.

Mary