What do we do when our son has given up trying??

[Soulmumma]

Desperate and heartbroken......

What are we supposed to do when our son has given up trying to help us help him. He will not talk to anyone now, our pysch has discharged us from her care and referred on to a pyschiatrist but the waitlist is ridiculous. He has hit rock bottom and I can honestly say I feel I have as well. We've tried everything that has been suggested. He is unable to go to school and i don't know how to get him back there. His anxiety about everything is awful and there's nothing I can say or do to make him feel better. I feel we are out of options and GP has suggested hospitalisation but without private cover this is well beyond our reach. I dont want to lose my boy...........I've never been so scared in my life 😢😞😖

[Soulmumma]

Thank you again Summer Rose, I can't tell you how much it helps knowing I'm not the only one going through this heartache.

I feel so stuck at the moment and it's exhausting constantly trying to get him motivated. Not to mention trying to keep myself positive when he looks at me like he hates me 😭

We've been to the psychiatrist this week, waste of time and money! She basically made me feel like i am the main problem and i should let him make decisions. He is not capable of making cognitive decisions right now ffs!!! Then she proceeded to tell me he needs to eat betterand exercise! Cause i haven't been told that by anyone else...omg! We're now booked in to have thyroid check and a brain scan.......running out of options. I'm so so tired!

[Summer Rose]

Hi Soulmumma

Sorry to hear it's not going so well at the moment. If it's any consolation, we also got nowhere working with a psychiatrist. I really struggled, as I knew he wasn't helping my daughter but doubted myself. I felt like I was "just a mum" and he was such a qualified, educated person that I must be wrong about him and his abilities.

I got over it fast as my girl went downhill. I did a lot of research and finished up interviewing three psychologists that I thought could help. When I'd made my selection I introduced the psych to my daughter. I needed to find someone who I could work with and who would respect the information I could share and the role I could play in helping my daughter to heal. The three of us set the ground rules for managing patient confidentiality together and this ensured that I was respected and kept in the loop. The best advice I can offer you is to trust your instincts about this psych and keep going.

On the positive side, it won't hurt to do the medical tests. At the very least they will potentially rule out any other causes for your son's ill health. This will provide evidence for your concern (I know you don't need it but others in the medical professional will appreciate the information).

I'm sure your son doesn't hate you. He is unwell and likely unhappy. It sounds like you are getting pretty frazzled yourself, too. After you read this, how about you make time to do something nice for yourself. What do you enjoy that would help you take your mind off things?

[Soulmumma]

Hello again Summer Rose, your kindness is so appreciated.

Been another tough couple of weeks. We're at rock bottom...really unclear on the right path forward, but I won't give up.

We're going to Dr this week for all test results. He's so angry this week, with me, with every single thing in his life. He won't go anywhere or do anything, hes not talking to us either. Nothing has changed and nothing is working. We're all at our wits end!

[Summer Rose]

Hi Soulmumma

You hang in there.

First, just breathe. You are doing the best you can in a very difficult situation. So is your son. Continue to be kind, loving and patient.

Second, keep a watchful eye on him. Stay close and if you think he's in danger don't hesitate to call 000. (I have had to do this, not pleasant, but you do what you have to do to keep him safe.)

Third, remember that you have something going for you that many don't: a strong sense of family.

When my daughter was critically ill in hospital, I desperately asked a nurse is she thought my daughter would ever get better. It was more of a rhetorical question but the nurse answetef. She told me that if we kept the family support strong she would get through it.

It was like an enormous weight was lifted from my shoulders. There is always hope. What you are doing now for your son matters. Loving your son matters. Ploughing on against the odds matters.

You are in my heart and I send both kindness and hope x

[Ashlyn]

Hi Soulmumma

I totally empathise with you all, as a mum you just want to get your child well as quickly as possible or at least into treatment with a phycoligist he gets along with who can help him in his journey to recovery. I read that your son was bullied at school. A friends daughter homeschools she has improved in all areas of her life , mainly because she is out of reach of the bullies.

Any form of bullying at school can have a really detrimental effect on kids and continue to adversely affect them for many years . With your son I don’t know how, with out being pushy or seeming like your intruding on his privacy try to find out the extent of the bullying. If there was anything that was horrid or even slightly of a sexual nature , it can totally change the approach that may need to be taken to get him through the tough time he is having. Hearing this is really hard for a parent but please keep in mind it could be the case. Hopefully it’s not and you will be able to get your son to agree to accepting help and treatment. I speak from experience as my son suffered that secret for ten years on his own. I just thought he was depressed and I couldn’t work out why the Councellors, phycoligists , rehab he went to by choice wasn’t helping . I jwould not like another child to miss out on getting well because nobody knew. As parents we beat ourselves up because we have missed something we thought we would always pick up on but sometimes we just can’t know everything. If your son feels in control of his life and that any treatment he gets is his choice you may have more luck helping him. One thing bullies usually make their victims feel is powerless, so if you as his mum can help him feel in control now that may help.

Just try to take care of yourself also.