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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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kel1962 Partner with depression "fallen out of love"
  • replies: 5

My partner is the most loving man I have ever been with always felt he would love me for ever no matter what. About a year ago he was diagnosed with depression after a suicide attempt, he was taking medication and having some counselling, however he ... View more

My partner is the most loving man I have ever been with always felt he would love me for ever no matter what. About a year ago he was diagnosed with depression after a suicide attempt, he was taking medication and having some counselling, however he went off his medication a few months ago without consulting his doctor and stopped counselling. Last week he told me he had fallen out of love with me, we are trying to work things out but he is finding it hard to feel happy about anything. Has anyone else had this problem? That their depressed partner has lost feelings of love? I have suggested he goes back on the medication and he did start back with a counsellor last week. I am feeling very vulnerable and sad as I don't want our relationship to end.

BlueRose19 Feeling helpless due to my partners drinking&depression
  • replies: 2

How to start? Little about myself first I suppose. I've had anxiety and depression problems my whole life, but it's like a rollercoaster, sometimes I struggle more than other times. At the moment, I feel ok with where I am. About 18 months ago I star... View more

How to start? Little about myself first I suppose. I've had anxiety and depression problems my whole life, but it's like a rollercoaster, sometimes I struggle more than other times. At the moment, I feel ok with where I am. About 18 months ago I started to see someone casually, which has now evolved into a harmonious relationship. Everything is just perfect or at least so it seemed.... After spending more and more time together, I've come to the realization that he has a drinking problem and he knows that there is a problem. He is seeing a counsellor, I'm not sure in how much detail he goes with her, especially because he has other issues to overcome. He also suffers from depression and is possibly bipolar and I am very worried that I can't help him the way I'd like to help him. Yes, it is a new relationship, but emotionally I am already too invested to just walk away. That's not me! That person means the world to me and I cannot imagine a life without him anymore. But I don't know how to help him? Where do I even start? I am always there for him. I listen to him when he is down and I am grateful that he usually does open up to me. When he drinks, his mind wonders to dark places and it just scares me. They are not suicidal thoughts, but he questions his whole existence. I feel so helpless How can I help him? How can I make sure, that I don't slip into depression again myself while worrying about him-trying to help him? Are there any books which have helped others in a similar situation? Thanks for taking the time to read this and I am most grateful for any help you might be able to offer!!

Emerald1604 Boyfriend has suddenly pushed me away, advice on how to deal with this
  • replies: 1

Hi all, I am new to the Beyond Blue forums. I have been with my boyfriend for just over 18 months. Everything was wonderful and sweet, amazing in fact. I knew he had past issues with his ex wife related to anxiety and depression particularly as a res... View more

Hi all, I am new to the Beyond Blue forums. I have been with my boyfriend for just over 18 months. Everything was wonderful and sweet, amazing in fact. I knew he had past issues with his ex wife related to anxiety and depression particularly as a result of the marriage breakdown. He is a guy who wears his heart on his sleeve and has no problems showing his emotions. We love each other very much. After years of failed relationships, I felt I had found my soulmate. He said he did too. We spoke of moving in together to his house, that was his suggestion to start with. I have an 8 year old son from a previous relationship, he gets on very well with him. He doesn't have children of his own. That all came crashing down about 2 weeks ago. He turned up at my place, unexpectantly, obviously not himself. Said he felt depressed and anxious, didn't know why. Said he was freaked out about us moving in, wasn't sure if he was "ready to be a family man, I'm not good enough for you, I don't want to be a burden". Was completely taken aback! Said we can wait about whole moving in thing, put it on the backburner. I hugged him and said I loved him, reassured him that I was there for him. He said the same. He stayed the night, but I woke up about 3am the next morning and he was gone. We spoke the next night, everything seemed normal. I did ask during our conversation if his visit the night before was about wanting to break up, he said yes and no (???). Again he seemed OK, his normal self. I said I loved him and he said the same. That was the last I spoke to him. I have tried calling him, he won't answer. Have sent a text message yesterday to say I'm thinking of him and will be here for him if he needs time. No response. What do I do now? I want to help him, be there for him, but I also need some clarification on where I stand. Am absolutely heartbroken....

Tusphi I’m scared for my brother but don’t know how to help him
  • replies: 4

My brother told me he has been diagnosed as bi polar which no one in the family knew until his recent divorce. In the past 2 years his father ( whom he had a difficult relationship with) died unexpectedly, his mother was diagnosed dementia and has mo... View more

My brother told me he has been diagnosed as bi polar which no one in the family knew until his recent divorce. In the past 2 years his father ( whom he had a difficult relationship with) died unexpectedly, his mother was diagnosed dementia and has moved into a nursing home, his wife divorced him, his children have left home and don’t contact him, he was made redundant and has been unable to find work and he has accumulated substantial debt. His medication has caused his weight to balloon, his hands to badly tremor and to profusely sweat. Recently he has spiraled into a deep depression, so bad it takes him 2 days to muster the energy to go to the shop and get food. He has little savings but receives no centrelink support cos he can’t focus enough to register online. I have tried to help but he has cut himself off from everyone. He won’t answer his door, return calls or read sms or Facebook messages /emails and is no longer using social media. He says he needs ‘time out’ but this episode has been going on for weeks now .he just stays holed up alone in his flat. I am really scared cos if he doesn’t get help, worse case he might kill himself and at very least he will soon run out of money in which case will end up homeless cos he has burnt bridges with my husband so cant stay with me. I dunno what to do. Is there some sort of social worker I could call to visit him to sort out centrelink assistance’s a minimum? He won’t deal w me. He badly needs help. We live in a Regional Area.

hopesav Can people be triggers
  • replies: 1

My boyfriend struggles with his mental health.On a few occasions, he has broken down and cried about memories of his closest childhood friends bullying him. This includes verbal and physical abuse. These childhood friends are some of his closest frie... View more

My boyfriend struggles with his mental health.On a few occasions, he has broken down and cried about memories of his closest childhood friends bullying him. This includes verbal and physical abuse. These childhood friends are some of his closest friends now that he is an adult. I have noticed changes in his behaviour whenever he is around these friends. One friend in particular moved away for a few years and has recently come back into his life permanently. He has changed so much this time that I barely recognise him. Can good friends be a trigger for someone's depression?

Frances72 My mothers success story. 4 years off antidepressants after 20 years on them.
  • replies: 2

Hello everyone, My mothers success story. It took too long to find the right info and support. Thank Goddess we made it! In the beginning, we had no support and no info. Eventually, we found supporting health care professionals that were understandin... View more

Hello everyone, My mothers success story. It took too long to find the right info and support. Thank Goddess we made it! In the beginning, we had no support and no info. Eventually, we found supporting health care professionals that were understanding of the withdrawal process. Many doctors know very little, and many sufferers end up back on meds because the symptoms are mistaken for a worsening of the previous condition. Exhausted mother of 4, mum was prescribed SSLR's in her early 40's. By age 62 mums life is mostly happy, and financially comfortable. Ready to come off her meds, and experiencing side effects, (one was controlling and ruining her life). After several several unsuccessful attempts, mum prepared herself with nutrition (lots of animal fats and fermented live foods to feed the central nervous system), left dad and bought a house near the beach. Mum's doctor was unsupportive & told her she would die of depression and need very strong drugs to help her recovery should she discontinue again. So mum did it without him. She reduced over a 7 month period. Later I read about tapering in the Book "Drug Withdrawal" by Dr Peter Breggins I realised that mum was in danger. She crashed within a few months after her last pill. Two doctors said it was definitely not withdrawal when in fact it absolutely was! Some bodies recycle these drugs for many months after discontinuation. For 6 weeks mum could not sit still, she could not chew food 95% of the time. I made her bone broth soups and kefir. Mum suffered overwhelming feelings of doom and gloom, she had daily 30 minute suicidal episodes followed by exhaustion and sleep. I pulled my daughter out of school and took mum to our country home. I was by her side for most of 3 months. I was scared other family would admit her. Eventually we found a supportive psychotherapist and a medical doctor who understood SSLR discontinuation. Mum's journey to recovery was also full of powerful feelings of joy, connectedness and coming alive. It took 3 years for mum to feel consistantly well and to put on weight. Mum moved back home near family. Previously disconnected with no time for family or grandchildren, now enjoying life as an active grandmother!! Its been 4 years since mum's last SSLR med. At age 66, mum's happier than she ever was. Follow basic building biology! WiFi routers, cordless appliances and smart phones must be turned off while we sleep. All the best, hope this story helps someone.

Sam00000 Husband with depression is irritable and irrational
  • replies: 5

My husband has depression and anxiety and I feel like a lot of the time he is snappy with me. There are a lot of stressors for him (and both of us) - we had our first baby 10 months ago and he was made redundant soon afterwards. He also has a disabil... View more

My husband has depression and anxiety and I feel like a lot of the time he is snappy with me. There are a lot of stressors for him (and both of us) - we had our first baby 10 months ago and he was made redundant soon afterwards. He also has a disability that affects his physical strength, so he finds some things around the house hard to do, and gets tired more easily than other people do. His moods change daily - some days he's upbeat and completely fine, mostly he is tired and doesn't want to do much. Quite often his irritable and it seems like whatever I do is wrong. I know this is mostly because of depression and his disability. I find my moods/reactions swing in response. Mostly I am supportive and understanding and try to encourage him and see where he is coming from while also maintaining some standard of what he needs to do around the house/in our relationship. When he is irritable towards me though, I often snap. I don't feel i deserve to cop all the snapping, and I carry the housework, looking after the baby and the finances - so I feel unvalued and unappreciated. We both end up yelling which is no good. How do you find the balance though? I try to set boundaries of what language and attitude I won't put up with. There are often situations though where no matter what I do it's not good enoughand i end up being the one to apologise. Or, I feel majority of the issue is his so i refuse to apologise for my small part in it, and he then tells me how stubborn I'm being. I can't win. I feel bad because what he is offering around the house and to me is probably his 100% at the moment, but it's just so far below what I do and feel for him. My resentment is growing. Even saying this to him feels awful as I would be complaining about being around someone who is facing some huge hurdles at the moment - I don't want to add to the burden. But it all bubbles over in arguments too. Help! Any advice appreciated. Mostly I just need to vent to people who understand,as i don't feel i can talk to friends and family about it without them seeing him as a burden or a jerk.

Calli Not coping with a bipolar 2 husband
  • replies: 8

Hi, I'd appreciate any insight into the below. My husband and I have been together for 7 years. We've had quite a few medical issues during our relationship including each of us having major surgery (his meaning that he can no longer fully participat... View more

Hi, I'd appreciate any insight into the below. My husband and I have been together for 7 years. We've had quite a few medical issues during our relationship including each of us having major surgery (his meaning that he can no longer fully participate in the sport he loves and was very good at), me having life threatening blood clots twice, a miscarriage, me experiencing perinatal anxiety and then life threatening sepsis immediately after the birth of our child. It's felt as though it's just been one thing after the other and our relationship has suffered. We've been to marriage counselling to try to resurrect some fun and love into our marriage as I was carrying him through life (something he agreed with and he was a willing participant at marriage counselling). I felt that my husband was also depressed and encouraged him to seek help. Fast forward visits to our family doctor and two psychiatrists and he's been diagnosed with bipolar 2. Anyway, hubby doesn't fully agree with the diagnosis and thinks the diagnosis doesn't take into account some of the tough times we've had. As a result, he's slow making any follow up appointments, doesn't stick to any psychological or lifestyle treatments (e.g. doesn't stick a mood tracker, doesn't stick to mediation, doesn't stick to taking fish oil, eats inconsistently) and is very reluctant to take drugs to manage it. The result is that I just feel so angry and frustrated. We have a toddler and I don't feel as though I have a husband anymore - I have another child to manage and I'm not coping. He's a great father (he jokes that because he's the same mental age as our toddler), but 80% of household responsibilities sit with me. We've addressed it in counselling, but given I know he has lows I just don't know where to go from here and the counsellor didn't really factor his bipolar into our sessions. I really want us to have a happy marriage, but it pains me to say that sometimes my life is easier when I don't also have to do all the thinking for him too and worry about his moods. I don't know where to go from here. I'm not even sure how anyone can help! But any advice or insight would be much appreciated. Thanks

MxBeaker Partner with Depression and Eating Disorder
  • replies: 2

So I've been with my partner for 4 years, engaged for 1 with the wedding in 12 months. She has always had some mental health issues but it is getting to a point where I cannot cope anymore and I don't know what to do. We have always been open to each... View more

So I've been with my partner for 4 years, engaged for 1 with the wedding in 12 months. She has always had some mental health issues but it is getting to a point where I cannot cope anymore and I don't know what to do. We have always been open to each other about each other's struggle and what we need, but it starting to develop a pattern of me doing whatever I can to help her and her saying she can't do what I need (I.e. help with housework as she's never been a "clean person"). I'm working my butt off trying to help and all I'm getting back is "you're not doing enough" and "you're not doing it right". I can't talk to any of my friends about it because all of our friends are mutual and I know she has been complaining about me to them - I don't feel comfortable even seeing them. I'm trying not to lose sight of who she is when not having a mental health moment but it's getting so damn hard. I don't want to talk away because I love her but it's getting so hard to stay. I feel like I have morphed into a carer rather than a partner. I don't know what to do and I hate that I'm having these thoughts.

celina99 Boyfriend with depression, long distance, difficult situation
  • replies: 3

Hey everyone! So my problem is that I am currently here in Australia, while my boyfriend is at home in Germany. He‘s always shown depressive tendencies (constantly tired, lacking in drive/motivation), but I never took it too seriously, because he als... View more

Hey everyone! So my problem is that I am currently here in Australia, while my boyfriend is at home in Germany. He‘s always shown depressive tendencies (constantly tired, lacking in drive/motivation), but I never took it too seriously, because he also suffers from ADD. We used to have a really loving, close relationship, even after I started my time abroad. However, the past two months his behaviour changed and we seemed to fight about the same topic over and over: He had stopped putting in the effort he used to put in, I constantly had to fight for affection of any kind, I felt like he had lost interest in what I told him and me in general. After he came back from an exchange a few weeks ago we were about to fight about this again, because he was really distant. He didn‘t want to talk on the phone. He read my messages, but took several hours to reply (extremely short and unaffectionate). He didn‘t say "I love you“ back when I said it. After a few days I was really angry and hurt and asked him if he was aware that he was treating me really badly. It was only then that he finally told me what was going on: he seemed to have a depressive episode (he‘s not diagnosed that‘s why I‘m not saying he‘s actually suffering from depression). He said that he hates his life, all he can feel is pain, hate, sadness and anger. When I asked him if anyone knows about it he said no and that nobody could understand him anyway. That all of this would never end anyway. He even said that he is questioning his faith (we‘re both christian) which he has never said before. I asked him how he wants me to behave towards him and he said that he needs time to himself now to figure everything out, because he doesn‘t know what to do anymore. I told him that I am always there for him if he wants to talk, but that I’ll give him space. We‘ve hardly been in contact since. I‘m so worried about him, I want to be there for him, but he pushes me away. He needs help, but he doesn‘t want any. I‘m so far away from him and can‘t really do anything. I don’t know what our relationship is now. I respect that he needs time, but I‘m really hurt. I have my own mental health issues (more or less recovered ed) that have become worse again. I‘ll be home in four weeks, but I‘m afraid that that‘s too long. I‘m not sure if I should tell his mother or our youth pastor, because if he finds out I told them he will be angry at me I think (understandable in a way). Any advice? Sorry, I know this is really confusing