Upset and confused

[Maxey]

My partner is suffering with depression.  We’ve had all the discussions around his guilt of feeling like a burden, not coping with responsibilities and not having any happiness in any area of his life.

I’m committed to helping him through this and have discussed the support I might need from my family and friends as I understand the toll it will take on us.  

With respect please don’t tell me to pack up and leave him.  I’m just looking for some strength and to hear experiences on how to get through the roller coaster of emotions I deal with daily.

[Maxey]

Sorry, final note.  I’ve read your reply over several times.  It sounds so familiar to me.  It’s strange comfort to be reminded that this is not me, unfortunately the reassurance doesn’t last long and I’m beginning feel I’m a burden to my support network also.

[smallwolf]

hello Maxey and welcome.

I can understand how difficult and overwhelming it can be to have a partner who is struggling with depression. (Well, on my home, I'm the one with depression, and thinking about the wife.) It's great that you are being supportive and asking if your partner wants you to visit. It's also understandable that it can be challenging when they don't respond directly.

So... speaking from my side, sometimes depression can affect a person's ability to communicate and make decisions, so it's not intentional. And it sounds like your partner is still maintaining contact with you, which is a positive sign.

In terms of managing your own feelings, it's important to prioritize your own self-care and emotional wellbeing. Make sure to take time for yourself to do things that make you feel happy and relaxed, such as spending time with friends or engaging in a favorite hobby. It can also be helpful to educate yourself about depression and the resources available for both you and your partner - if you have not done so already. 🙂

Continue to be there for your partner and offer your support, even if they are not able to respond in the way you would like. Listening if you want to chat some more.

[Maxey]

Hi Grandy

Thanks you so much for replying so quickly.  I love him so much and it’s hard to see the person I know struggling so internally and I understand what it will be doing to him.

I appreciate the support and advice, I just want to be able to remain strong and resilient to be here without being an additional burden.

Om very grateful for your insight, I read and research constantly and have a great support network but feel like a burden to them now also.

[Maxey]

Thank you so much for your reply.  I am self employed with high functioning anxiety and receiving hypnotherapy and psychotherapy for myself.  I know, it’s a lot.  In the past he has supported me through different stages, I was unaware he experienced depression until now as this is his first episode in our relationship and I missed all the signs because I was in my own head.

We have discussed him seeking help (which he has done previously).  

I’m so open and forward I’ve had to learn to hugely water down my approach and just keep showing love and support without being over bearing.  It’s a daily battle with my head to not overthink each non-response (or response).

I appreciate your reply so much.  I read and study a lot (almost obsessively due to my mindset), but to hear your thoughts gives a very good insight to me.  Thank you

[Croix]

Dear Maxey~

Ramble on, that's fine 🙂

I can understand the worry before you're asking him about getting assistance, I'm glad you got a positive answer.

As for the rest, the inconsistencies  going between cold and warm, and sometimes talkng about his feelings then sometimes acting as if he never did.

Very frustrating and confusing for you , but it appears very much like I was, and a lot of the time I was not even really aware of why I did things. In fact I even got to the stage I did not even know if I was capable of love - fortunately love came back as I improved. It sounds like at least part of the time he realises you love him and tries to respond.

I hope that appointment is the start of the journey back for him as it was for me.

Sing out anytime about anything - you'll be welcome

Croix

[Maxey]

Is there a way to set boundaries with my partner who is depressed?

My partner has moments where he is showing out of character disrespect towards me, and while I’m doing my best in all other aspects to be supportive and I understand that this is part of the roller coaster as he goes through his treatment, the lack of empathy is very hurtful.  We have conversations every couple of weeks about where he is at and I am careful as he dissociates quickly with too much chat.

I am the only person who he has talked about his struggle, so he has a full time charade around everyone else including workmates, so when he behaves this way I feel angry and frustrated.

Is this something I am able to address with him, or should I bank it to discuss with my own support network?

[jaz28]

Hi Maxey,

Everyone else has given some great advice, but I just wanted to jump on here and wish you my best. I hope you are coping okay and that your partner is seeking professional help. You seem like a great, supportive partner and that is the best thing you can be for him right now.

Stay strong,

Jaz xx

[white knight]

Hi Maxie

I hope things have improved.

Your partner, as you say, has a lot going on. As a one time separated dad from his young children his grief of losing his full time parenthood could be compounding his depression. 

So far you've had 6 or so members here offer various replies and having just read them, plus your desire to do research, I recommend you read them all again because the answers to your situation lies within imo.

All the best.

TonyWK 

[Maxey]

Hey again thanks for staying in touch.

Among other things, my anxiety causes me to obsess and google answers to questions along with creating ten worst case scenarios for everything so re-reading responses helps me a lot when my head is too full of noise. 

My love and care for him makes me take a breath and ask for advice here and engage with others.  It’s strange the wealth of advice we are able to share but not apply to ourselves.

I’ve had some intense therapy this week and am over exhausted (three hours in total) with a gp appointment to come.

[Maxey]

Hey Jaz

Appreciate your message so much.  First day today so I’m focusing on feeling very grateful for the resources available xxxx