Unsure of the next step...

[Em_22]

Hi there, I am new to this whole thing so I'm hoping everyone can bare with me. I have been with my boyfriend for about a year, we have known each other for a much longer time, we have lived together for about six months. I still stand by that my boyfriend is the most kind person I have ever met, however I know he has a bit of a past, and is incredibly prone to these anger fits, not aimed at me, but at himself, to the point he starts smacking his head against walls etc. he picks fights with me over nothing, then goes crazy at himself, once again, these fits are never aimed at me. Last night it was over something as trivial as the tv show we were watching, said it made him scared I was going to cheat on him. He suffers ridiculous paranoia over us and he cannot go more than a few hours without me. If I'm at work and he's at home by himself, he falls into deep depression and drinks until he passes out. He cannot be alone. His family has a strong history of manic depression, and he will openly admit he is depressed. Before we dated he was constantly intoxicated or on drugs, and I'm guessing this is the first time he has actually had to deal with things and it's all coming out.

I have suffered sever depression, anxiety and suicide attempts earlier, I know what he is going through, but I cannot help him myself, I don't know what the next step is here. His paranoia is getting very extreme and his anger fits are becoming increasingly commen and his depression is deepening. I've asked him to seek help but he said the only thing he was going to do would be to get anti depressants from a doctor, but now, he even refuses to go to the appointments. I know his best bet would be to find a therapist, but financially it would be a strain, and I don't even know how I'd get him there.

I don't really know what I'm looking for here, I guess just some help, or guidance of where I go to now. I'm exhausted trying to look after both of us and I know if it keeps going like this I'm going to get worse or relapse. I'm at a loss, and I'm tired. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Emma,

A GP can put him on a Medical Care Progamme with certain benefits for counselling, etc.  That's if he agrees.

You are the best support for him there could be having experienced some mental health probs yourself.  Maybe note down the excessive angry/violent bursts as a record of progress.  Something a GP or counsellor could greatly benefit from.

Good Luck.

Adios, David.

[S_A_D_]

In this case I think the next step is not the next step. You said yourself he won't go. What you've gotta work out is how far back to go. How many steps do you have to repeat in order to do the next step (which would be to see a GP and get a MHCP, as David said).

Does he trust you? does he trust anyone? If they said he needs to go to the GP, would he follow their instructions? What about his parents? Who does he trust?

If he's felt betrayed by too many people he may not trust anyone. In these circumstances you need to contact his family, and anyone else that knows him, and maybe even get him into a psychiatric hospital. It's called an intervention, and if properly organised with a medical professional, AND he still won't seek help on his own, he can be taken to a hospital against his will. Usually, when people see how many people he used to trust are in agreement that the person needs help, they are convinced and willingly comply. This may, or may not, still lead to hospital for him, but at least he won't be there against his will.

This is for his own good. You know he needs help, and it's in his best interests. He might resent you at first, and possibly forever, but he is in pain and hurting himself (from what I can tell from your post), and deserves to be cared for.

Don't tell him any of this. Don't ask permission to set up an intervention if it's necessary. There are clear procedures for MH interventions done correctly, available online. Definitely DON'T threaten him with hospitalisation. Follow the steps, ask him if you could please talk to his parents (unless he hates them), and work quickly in secret.

If he hasn't been violent toward you, don't lie. Lies of any kind will make it all much worse. If you do any of the things I've said not to do, he may become desperate and actually become violent toward you. Right now it's frustration and confusion, and that's not good but things can get a lot worse very quickly.

TAKE CARE