Trying to support my Mum who hoards

[Chewaldo]

I am slowly, after 11 years, coming to realise that I can't help my Mum with her hoarding, lack of cleaning, hermitting, nor seem to help with any of her underlying mental health issues of anxiety and depression. What I am struggling with, is the guilt that she lives in this way and as her only child, that I can't seem to make any impact or help her in any real way. I have not once, but three times made the same huge mistake of cleaning her house (or in reality, spending all day cleaning one room), I know I can't do this again as it upset her terribly. I have encouraged her to have mental health support, psychological support, ACAT review, she refuses it all. And now more recently, I have the incredible guilt that I have actually enjoyed the respite of not seeing her throughout Covid lockdown. And I know I am putting off having her over to my place to resume our weekly dinners (her only activity out of her house and her only time she gets to speak with her grandchildren - or anyone at all). I am annoyed that she has told me that during isolation she "was able to live the life I have always wanted to" and that she is the happiest she has ever been. But I realise I am punishing her for saying those things and I feel terrible about my lack of compassion - I should really invite her over.

Considering hoarding is supposed to be such a big community issue that affects a lot of people, I don't know of anyone else who discusses it. And I definitely don't know anyone who is trying to help their Mother live with this. My hope through writing this thread is that I will meet others like myself, who know what it is like. Don't get me wrong, it can be funny - the lounge chair covered in hundreds of shoulder pads as if preparing for a huge 80s revival was humerous, but it can also be gut wrenchingly and overwhelmingly sad.

I hope someone can relate to this.

[Aaronsis]

Hello Chewaldo

Welcome and the biggest of hugs to you, this is not easy, it is damn hard, I too have experienced it with my mother and it is like a knife through the heart. I had to get some counselling last year for other reasons and this actually came up in one of my sessions and if I can share some of the outcomes with you it may help, some you may already know but to hear it from someone else may give you some extra comfort and to ease some of the guilt.

My your mother's own admission she likes the way she lives. She mentioned that being in isolation has let her live almost without the pressure of how she lives, it that makes sense. Also that you have many times cleaned up for her and it was stressful for her. What we do here and I am victim of this too, is project what "we want" for our parents and how they "should live". Hoarding is an illness as you know and you have tried to get her some help in this space, like my mother it has been rejected. Why??? because to get help you need to acknowledge there is a need for help, your mother sounds like mine in that she is happy in how she is living and does not need help.

My therapist said to me all you can do is support, you can not fix as all this does is upset and drain you. This is her life and if she chooses to live this way, albeit that it is not harming her or anyone else, she is entitled to live it. Sure it is not "what we want" it is not what we think is right, but this is her life and not ours.

Absolutely keep inviting her to your place, let her have her role in your children's life, they are her grandchildren and she does love them and has no reason not to see them, she hasn't actually done anything wrong. This is hard to swallow as we don't want to see our parents in this state, that this is wrong to us so we want to fix it. We are somewhat embarrassed to, but these are our issues and not our mother's.

I know these are the hard facts and it does sound harsh at the start but I sat with it and it sounded about right. All I was doing was hating my mother, projecting what I wanted for her and not what she wanted. It is really sad to see our parents like this but at the end of the day, she loves those 80's shoulder pads and they make her life happy.

But yes, it is gut wrenching and terribly sad, however our mum's are happy...that has to count for something.

Hope to chat some more to you

Hugs

Sarah

[Chewaldo]

Thank you so much Sarah! Our Mum's sound so similar and although it may sound absurd, that in itself has really has really taken a load off as I rally have felt as I was walking alone with this. Thanks so much for taking the time to write!

The fact she hasn't done anything wrong... I am still working through. I suppose I am just jealous of all those grandmothers who take a more active and caring role in their children and grand children's lives. However you are right, she does love them and they love her and I will invite her around next week as i am ashamed that I have been keeping them apart.

You are also right that I am embarrassed, for example she smells bad and I hate that she doesn't mind, or notice, or care. Hmmn yes, I will have to let that embarrassment go, I will embarrass my kids as they get older I am sure, perhaps I already do?

Thanks again!

[Aaronsis]

I hear you loud and clear, it is our embarrassment and only last week I bought a whole bunch of new clothes for my mother and still she has not worn any of them. They are just basic clothes nothing fancy, just what she wears, but she likes her old ones.

I too would love a life where I get to drop my kids off and they have sleepovers and happy memories of baking and hanging out with their grandmother, almost movie like, however this will not be the case, and I have to accept that the relationship looks different and that they way they see each other is at my place and is a short visit.

And with regards to embarrassing your kids..yep I am sure I do too , buy hey, we love them as your mother loves you and your kids and that is all we can ask for. Just as they don't live a life how we want them to, we don't live a life like they do. Our kids will I am sure find reasons to get upset at us as we get older, it just wont be for having 80's shoulder pads on the couch!!!

I am doing a good job with my mum, so are you, we love them, we support them and that is all we can do, we cannot change something that does not want to be changed, so until that day we keep them safe and if that becomes an issue then I think we have to intervene.

It is hard but be kind to you, you are doing all you can.

Here to chat anytime Chewaldo

Hugs

Sarah

[Chewaldo]

Hey, I thought I would let you know. I am so grateful for chatting to you last week. I asked my Mum if she would like to come to dinner this week, and to my surprise she said she wasn't sure and would get back to me. For me, the guilt I had about not inviting her over has been lifted - as it seems she didn't want to come anyway. I think she is making a rational decision as she is worried about Covid as her physical health is pretty poor, obviously I will have to monitor over the coming weeks and see that she is not reclusing further. She always refuses that I visit her (my kids have never been invited to her house) so nothing new there.

I also wanted to ask as this is the first time I have used this forum thing. The fact that only one person responded, does that mean that this situation is only relevant to you and me, or does it mean that simply others didn't see the post? I am wondering if there are any support groups with family members who are hoarding, I haven't found any, but perhaps I am ot looking in the right places?

Thanks again

[Aaronsis]

Hi Chewaldo

Thank you so much for letting me know how you are getting along and yes, I think you will feel so much guilt lifted once you release yourself from the role of "having to fix it", she does not want to be "fixed" or have her space altered, as we agreed, should it become unsafe or the place becomes so overwhelming for her or even a fire hazard, maybe then, but I think all you can do is reach out to her and let her decide. I am so happy you are feeling better, that is what we are here for.

The forum is a wonderful space and sometimes you will get three or four people commenting, sometimes the post has been overlooked by others or they feel like they can't comment or don't have any experience to comment. However you just don't know so checking in from time to time to see if you have some more conversation is good too.

I had a look and found this link for support groups:

https://www.hsru.com.au/support-groups/support-group/

I am not sure if it is something near you but you might want to google it and see if there are any groups in your area or even online things you can join too.

It really isn't easy when you so want a relationship with your mother and it looks a certain way to you, and you know it will never happen, I know only too well the feeling of sadness with that. It is ok though, I think once we lift the expectations and the dream of what we want, try hard to accept this is what we have, there is love regardless and take that and enjoy it.

Great to chat to you Chewaldo and we are here for you anytime.

Hugs

Sarah

[Chewaldo]

HI Sarah

I am not really sure how this works as it was 4 years ago we had this conversation, but my Mum died a bit over 18 months ago.  You were taking the right approach with spending as much time as you can with your Mum.  I did try to see my Mum and to take her out, but as she didn't let me visit her and her mobility began to decline so there was a lot less opportunity. She began to dislike talking on the phone and our phone calls became shorter.  She hated when I tried to call her every day, so I had to drop to every second day. I feel like I lost my Mum twice, the first time was when she became a recluse and then again when she died.  

One thing that I do now know is that the weight of her that I felt I carried as a burden, was also acting as ballast, she never stopped giving me direction and I miss her terribly.  Not one day goes by without me thinking of her, not just the fun braggy stuff our children do, but even the boring everyday stuff.  I wish she was here now, with her mess and smell or in any way at all.