Trying to be strong for my partner.

[emk145]

Hi, I’ve never done anything like this before but here goes. Reading some of these threads makes me feel that things could be much worse but here’s what’s going on anyway... my partner recently became depressed. We’ve been together for 10 years since we were 16 and he is my best friend in the entire world. He also has worked in mental health for 3 years and is amazing at what he does. Since about 5 weeks ago hes been unable to work due to his mental health and he hates himself for it because he says there are so many people that need him. He also tells me that he hates himself and has for awhile now. He lost his mum when he was 10 to cancer and his dad is as unemotionally available as they come.

He began antidepressants 2 weeks ago and is seeing his GP weekly and a psychologist fortnightly. He has been trying everything he can but is so sad and numb all the time.

I’m trying to be positive around him and treat him the same because he doesn’t want to be treated differently but things are so different, he’s so different and I feel like he’s not there. I feel guilty thinking about myself when he’s in so much pain but I feel sick every day because he’s so sad. I just want to take it away from him and I feel guilty all the time like I should have known this was coming. It breaks my heart that he hates himself. I feel guilty leaving him so I don’t want to make plans with friends. At the same time I want to have a break but feel so guilty.

[manda1985]

hi there,

sounds like you are both heading in the right direction. He is very lucky to have someone like you to help guide him to a better place/head space. The best advice I can give you is just to be there for him whenever he feels like opening up (this may be rare some days), take a real interest in what he is saying. You may not have all the answers he needs but just seeing you are taking an interest in what he has to say will show him you care.

Try to be patient with him and yourself also. It would be just as hard for you as it would be for him to manage things at the moment. I am not sure he would want you giving up everything for him (i.e going out with girlfriends). Has he said to you "please don't leave me" when you have mentioned you have plans?

I have found that joining a gym and taking on a healthy lifestyle (diet and exercise) have helped me enormously. Maybe you could join the gym together or perhaps go for walks in the evening? even if its 20 mins a day, i think you would find that would help.

manda x

[emk145]

Hi Manda,

Thanks for your response. He doesn’t ask me to stay but he says things like I feel better when you’re home. But he also tells me that he doesn’t want me to worry and that I should spend time with friends. I definitely feel like I need time with girlfriends so I can be less stressed for him but at the same time I feel bad and think I’ll worry the whole time. Although I do feel isolated sometimes even when we’re home together.

He used to go to the gym a lot during the week but he hasn’t had the energy since he’s been depressed. I really enjoy yoga but haven’t been motivated to do it lately but I know it will help. You’re right, walking really does help we went for one together this morning.

[Ballza]

Hi there....

Sounds like a very similar story to mine....

Im struggling at the moment with depression anxiety, and yes it does take its toll on your partner...

But you, no matter how guilty you feel, have got to keep living your life.

Im always telling my wife to go out for the day, because the last thing you want is start feeling the same way!!!!

Somehow you have to be patient with your partner and just make sure he’s doing all the right things...

Its hard, I started AD’s 13 years ago..

But unfortunately in the last 3 years I’ve slipped back into a hole!!!

Had 10 years of heaven as the meds worked wonders...

Take care

Matt

[emk145]

Hi Matt,

Thanks for the advice. I will go socialise more often. I think I’m just slow in coming to terms with the fact that the person I usually feel the most comfortable and refreshed with is not necessarily the most healthiest person to be around 24/7 even though that pains me to say.

I’m incredibly lucky because he is really great at doing the right things because he really wants to get better no matter how down on himself he is. Except he doesn’t eat that often which I’m nagging him all the time.

I hope that you find happiness again soon. It’s nice that you want your wife to get out for a bit. I’ll listen to my partner more often when he wants me to do the same. Thanks for your reply. It’s nice to talk to someone who is experiencing it first hand.

Emma

[Ballza]

Hi Emma...

My wife and I are the same, we love spending time together, but when “as I call it “ feeling down and out, she does tell me that I’m a complete different person...

Thats hard, and I guess that’s what inspires me to get better...

Your partner I no will want to get back to his normal self, because it is a scary slippery slope to fall into. And nobody I don’t care who they are, wants to feel that way!!!

Its horrible...

And The not eating is pretty common aswell, I’ve lost nearly 10 kg in one month... I did need to lose a few, not the healthiest way to do it though 😃😃😃

Anyway I’ll leave you alone for now!!!!

Take care, Chin up to you and your partner....

Be patient and be strong...

[manda1985]

That is great that you could manage a walk together. Speaking from experience I think you will both find you will have more energy once you start working out. I totally get its a struggle to get to the gym at times, maybe you could get some weights and workout in the comfort of your own home? Even if you both set a goal to do ten minutes in the morning and ten in the afternoon and work your way up to twenty and so on.

Does your partner have any hobbies or interests? Maybe you could encourage him to start doing something he used to like doing.

It must be hard on you not having time out, I think you really need to have time to yourself even if its just one hour a week. your not going to be much good to him if you become depressed yourself. You must have you time!

manda x