I love my husband but how much can you take

[Fraggle]

i have tried speaking to friends but really need to get some support off others who can understand and relate to my situation hence why I am here. I am 99.9% sure my husband suffers from depression (although he wont see a professional to get an official diagnosis). His father passed away about 3 years ago and it has been a downward spiral since then. He always had a strained relationship with his dad so I think he has strong feelings of guilt following his death. He has been a pot smoker as well (although not as heavy these days) which I know does not help. At first it was subtle changes in his personality but it has now got to the point where he will sleep all day, he has disengaged from our friends and family and I am constantly making excuses as to why he has not joined in on things when he used to be so social which is difficult for me. He has also recently left his job. He will not go to a doctor about it and whilst I am trying my hardest to be supportive it is now starting to impact on my mental health. I am trying to keep myself heathy by still exercising and going to friends events on my own but it is lonely. I have had thoughts of walking away but I love him and just want him back to the man I married but how do I help someone who wont help themselves ???

[Croix]

Dear Fraggle~

Welcome here, a good move as you will at least see you are not alone. Sadly your situation is not uncommon and there are no quick or easy fixes. A look around this forum will give you some idea.

All the things you say your husband has done sound like my experiences with depression, if not identical then similar. It also seems to be in his case a downward spiral. Leaving work of course creates additional problems, as does smoking pot.

While you can see the remedy - for your husband to seek and actively pursue medical help - there is no real way you can make him go if he does not want to. I'm sure you would have tried everything you could think of already. Do you think there might be someone else he takes notice of that might be able to persuade him?

Living with a partner who is depressed is never easy - even with medical support, without it life may become impossible. As you are starting to see your own health and well-being needs to be taken into account. An easy first step is to get medical support yourself, see your GP, explain the situation and see what is recommended.

The harder thing is deciding if you should stay or not, and if you did leave should it be permanent. The man you love and want back is hidden at the moment and may in fact only reappear if he is treated successfully - which itself might take some time.

You are probably the only one to know how realistic it is for you to continue with things as they are. Visiting friends and exercising are certainly positive things for now, in the long term though it is a different story.

Do you have anyone to support you, a parent, family or friend who you can talk things over frankly with, who will understand and be there for you?

Croix

[Fraggle]

Thanks for responding Croix it is really comforting to know there is support out there. I have tried everything to try and get him to seek help but he just sees my efforts as nagging so really at a loss as to what to do. He does have friends who I could probably get to speak to him but I am afraid if I talk to any of his friends about it he will then just resent me for breaching his confidentiality. I feel like i am constantly walking on eggshells. We just went on a holiday with a group of friends and his the situation really became obvious he completely disengaged with everyone, slept most of the time and when I tried to suggest he take part in some of the activities he would just snap at me. Needless to say my holiday was not just upsetting and lonely but quite embarrassing as I felt as though i had to explain his behaviour constantly. I do have good friends to support me and after the holiday they have become quite concerned about me but I feel like I am burdening them with my problems and feel as though they see me as a pushover for staying and putting up with his behaviour. I think you are right I should consult my GP and get some advice on how to best try and provide support to him whist trying to look after myself. I just don't know how long I can handle this I'd he wont get help himself.

[Croix]

Dear Fraggle~

Thank you for coming back and saying more. I guess I'd have to say firstly that getting your husband to go to hte doctor is the one thing that needs to be done if he is to improve. His life at the moment is not a good one. Secondly his recent changes in behavior are probably obvious to his friends quite independently of you.

As a result if it was me I would seek the assistance of one or more of his friends. If that means friction about going behind his back then it really is a small thing compared to the possibility of treatment.

I'm glad you have some personal support, it is up to your judgment how much you lean on them of course. Most real friends will do a lot. No use holding back so much that they are not helping you.

We are here for you

Croix