Toxic Ex with mental health concerns won’t stop reaching out

[Outburst92]

Hi All,

My toxic ex who I ended things with in early 2017 will not stop messaging and calling despite being blocked on various platforms. He says his mental health has taken a turn for the worse and that he wants to talk to me about his mental state because he knows it will help. Inviting him back into my life would not be beneficial for my own mental health but now I’m concerned for his wellbeing. Is there any support service in WA I can reach out to that could potentially connect with him/check on him? Other tips?

[Croix]

Dear Outburst92~

You have been separated for around four years and by the sound of it, by calling your ex "toxic" and blocking him, it was not an amicable parting. As a result you are not responsible for him - and I'm sure you already know this. His medical personnel such as his doctor and those who are close to him have that task.

It is only by having a kind nature you are in any way concerned for him and this is something he knows and latches onto, pushing your buttons with an account of a deterioration in his mental situation and that you are the one that can help. This dependency on you does need to finish.

Really speaking any response, even if indirect, if traced to you will simply encourage him. While I'd not think it a particularly good idea perhaps if there were family or friends of his you might tell them, though again if it gets back to him it will encourage his belief he is dependent on you.

If at any stage you really think he is in immediate danger of harming himself or others call 000. If he is incapable of looking after himself then I'd suggest looking at

https://www.mhc.wa.gov.au/getting-help/helplines/mental-health-response-line/

to see what can be found there.

Beyond Blue's 24/7 Help Line (1300 22 4636) may also have some suggestions.

May I ask are you trying to handle all this by yourself or is there anyone you can lean on for support, family, partner, friend? Not being alone can make a big difference.

Croix

[Outburst92]

Thank you so much, Croix, for your thoughtful reply.

You are so right in what you've said - my kind and open nature is what drew him in and what he continues to try and take advantage of even after draining me of all that I could give. I do worry that he'll know any indirect approaches could be traced back to me but in my mind I still worry about the 'what ifs.' Itmakes me toy with the idea of reaching out to his parents.

Thanks for that link to MHC, that might be the route I end up going.

I do have my new partner and friends around me who I've opened up to about this. Most think it's something I can just ignore, it's hard to convey that sense of obligation I seem to still feel.

[Croix]

Dear Outburst92~

I’m glad you had a partner and others around to give you support. It can help even if you cannot get across your sense of obligation

When you have a break up with someone you have cared about -even if it is not an amicable one – then your emotions, habits and feelings do not simply switch off like blocking them on your phone -that’s the easy bit.

You have a legacy from that relationship - and all things being equal it is no longer appropriate. Building the boundaries is hard and you have worry and guilt to contend with -even if they are misplaced.

He knows quite well you still feel responsible and uses that to keep you in touch. It’s bad for you and it’s bad for him. Really, he needs to want to get medical help and cooperate with it, not see you as a ‘soft’ alternative, a dependency which simply prolongs his current state without doing any good.

He has his own life with family and probably others. If anyone outside himself has any responsibility it would be them.

I’m not a good one to talk, as I’ve tried to help those that are no longer part of my obligations -if they ever were, it is indeed hard to stop.

You have new obligations now

Croix