Supporting my partner who refuses professional help

[Nic_Nic]

Hi,

My long term boyfriend is suffering from depression and anxiety and has been for about 6-12 months. Until last night, I thought it was relatively mild but he has now admitted (via letter) that he has contemplated "ending it all" and thought about the letters he would write to people and what he would leave to everyone.

I have been trying to get him to seek professional help for a while now and he refuses and thinks that they can't fix the problems, only drown them out for a while. No matter how much I try to explain how valuable this help is and how it could help his thought processes and coping mechanisms, he just won't go.

He has visited this website, which is a plus and I guess taking that step to admitting his suicidal thoughts was a big step too.

We currently are going through some relationship problems as well which I put down to his depression and feeling unhappy all the time. But now I'm wondering if our relationship is contributing to the depression and making him worse. I talked to him about this and he said he doesn't know how he is feeling about it all and doesn't know what he wants.

Obviously I don't want to leave him if he's unwell, but I'm worried sick that I'm only making his depression worse. I want to stick by his side and help him through this so badly, but what if I'm making it worse?!

I feel sick to my stomach about this and no matter what I do, I feel I'll be responsible for the outcome.

I've made the decision to go to a GP tomorrow and discuss this and see what he suggests but has anyone been through a similar thing and can give me some advice? I'm completely lost!

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Nic Nic,

As soon as someone says they are thinking of "ending it all" or "killing themselves" you should call the Police who will take him to be assessed at the Psychiatric Emergency Unit.  These things can be tiptoed around but you could choose to be responsible now rather than feel bad later and feel "responsible for the outcome".

What are you waiting for ?   Does it really matter if it's the depression or the relationship ?  Who cares ?  The cry for help has gone out and it might be worth heeding.   At the very worst the Psychiatric Emergency Unit would refer him back for GP management if they didn't feel he presented as a serious threat.  You are not going to change your partners mind by just YOU talking to the GP.  I really think you need some postive action.

I've had Police involved in this kind of thing when manic.  It seems the most upsetting thing in the world but later it's only seen as a necessary safeguard.  Do you love the guy or not ?  Help comes in many forms.  You've said yourself that you can't really tell what's going on.  Time to call in the A Team (of professionals).

This is gonna make your relationship stronger or weaker.   But, sometimes honesty carries a responsibility in itself.

Adios, David.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Nic Nic,

Hope your partner has found some help or at least moved away from the "end it all" dilemma.   I'm not sure how the brain's neural pathways work exactly but a repetitive thought can be quicker and more insistant as time goes by.   So sometimes when someone says they will "end it all" it is a kind of well practised thought pattern that might not lead to any harm.  But then it could also be a very dangerous situation.

You can't second guess suicide.    Most of society is aware of depression but often a relative will not get that someone has depression and is really suffering.   Put a thought like "I want to end it all" into the equation and most will laugh at the absurdity but some, like yourselves, will be more mature.    It's good to have the inside edge on mental health.  You might look back and realise allowing medical access was the right thing to do.

If you were suicidal would you want your partner to step in and help ?

Adios, David.

[geoff]

dear Nic Nic, a similar situation happened to me when I had depression, my then wife left me.

She said she couldn't help me any more and moved out and then eventually we were divorced.

The fact is that we still love each other, talk on the phone and we also see each other, mainly at my son's place, but we could go out and have a cup of coffee, no problems, but her partner is forbidden.

Once we were divorced our house was sold and I lived by myself, and that's when my depression started to lift, which sounds as if she was the cause of my illness, but it wasn't that, she didn't make me depressed, it was that now I had to look after myself.

Nobody can stop someone from doing anything, no matter how hard they try, and they certainly can't blame themselves if it does happen, it's solely their choice.

Read this a couple of times and please get back to us. L Geoff. x

[Nic_Nic]

Hi All,

Thank you for the replies.
My partner works away and doesn't return home for a couple more days. I have spoken with him each night so far.

I know by me going to a doctor won't help him but I did anyway and was able to at least get some professional advice which really helped me to get a bit of an action plan in place for when he returns home.

Of course I love him more than anything and I want to help him but at the end of the day, if he won't seek professional help, I can't help him either.

The doctor explained everything in a great way for me to understand and I now realise that if he won't get help - I can't help either. Of course, if he agrees and seeks help, I will be there every step of the way by his side. But if something doesn't change soon, I'm going to have to draw the line before I end up in the same state which won't do anyone any good.

Thank you again for the replies, it's comforting to know we're not alone in this.

Nic Nic

[geoff]

dear Nic Nic, it's great that you have seen your doctor, as you need some professional advice just as you need advice from people and their own experiences, where both of these are vital in regards to be able to handle this situation.

Love comes in many different ways, infatuation, then a caring love, and to be in love is different to loving someone, or there can be a love for support and the list goes on, but we know which level of love we have in our relationship.

After all the water has passed under the bridge for me, I still my ex, but this love has changed many times in our marriage and now being divorced, but I would help her out in any way possible if she became depressed, or if she was needing it for some reason.

You desperately want to help your partner and would give him all the love and help that he requires, in anyway possible, and for a partner who wants to do this should be congratulated, but if he rejects any belief that no one can help him then a decision has to be made.

I do understand that someone with depression has a negative attitude, just like I did, so that's why my ex said 'I can't help you anymore Geoff, so I have to leave you'.

Try and get him to come on board and read the many posts which might make him post a comment, and do so by using an unusual nickname. L Geoff. x