Supporting my 21year old

[StudioA]

Hi. I am an exhausted mum away from my own support network trying to support my 21 year old who has broken up with his soul mate of 12months. He has nothing to live for. He is an inpatient of 2 weeks on anti depressants. He has gone from desprerately wanting her back despite her clear messages that she has moved on to wanting to stop the pain and end it all. He wants to know where he went wrong. Should I contact her and get this answer for him?

[Quercus]

Hi StudioA and welcome to the forums,

Your son is very lucky to have your support and care. Hospital is a safe place to be if he is highly distressed. Do you have much support for yourself as well? Caring for someone who is struggling can be exhausting so it is important to keep your health in mind too.

Some of my first thoughts to consider if that's ok... Maybe what ifs aren't helpful but that's what came to mind.

What if you contact your son's ex and find answers that distress him further?

What if you ask and he feels angry that you did (has he specifically asked you to contact her?).

If you don't ask and it turns out later on he felt he needed this to become stable will you feel guilty to a point it hurts you?

I think you are doing your best as it is. My kids may be little but the instinct to protect is massive. Unfortunately some things we have to learn to cope with ourselves.

A long time ago I left a bloke who became very distressed. It sounds awful but at the time I asked a mutual friend to keep him busy. To ask him to let me go, cut all ties and in a year see if he still felt the same. I left the group of mutual friends to give him space too.

I think at heart he was afraid of losing his friends and the connection he had with my family. With social media I suspect it is even harder. Do you feel the social aspect might be an issue too?

Sorry if this is waffle. I hope your son is safe and in time begins to move on.

Nat

[Guest_946]

Hi StudioA.

I can remember not too long ago my 21/22 year old son being devastated he had broken up with his girlfriend of a few years. It took him quite some time to move on.

It seems it is best just to cut the contact. If he messaged her and she replied it was just delaying the inevitable and deferring his healing. I strongly suggest not to contact her.

As far as what he did wrong. He did nothing wrong. I can’t think of a good analogy.

Perhaps you have someone you know who re partnered. He may be able to see that while they were devastated when their relationship broke down they, after time to heal, realised there are other people, different to the first, who is also compatible.

Best of luck with your son. It’s heartbreaking

[StudioA]

Thank you so much for your input. I have a lot of people trying to support me from a distance but unfortunately they are getting frustrated with him not being able to move on. Even today he is talking of being there for her when she needs him. He gets very angry when people try to tell him to move on or offer their ancedotal experience. So difficult to know which way to go. He is able to turn everything back to her and how she was manipulated in to thinking she does not want to be with him. Unfortunately he is not able to engage in anything that moves him forward. This waiting game is challenging. I just need him to connect with the right person. Again thank you both for your advice. I must try and find a coffee group here, as helpful as this is I need some face to face conversations with those who are in the know.