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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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automatic PTSD and PND
  • replies: 2

8 years ago my daughter gave birth to a son. What should have been a joyful occasion was destroyed by a terrible birth. She suffered mentally and physically and ended up in a mother baby unit. I believe she has never completely addressed the event. N... View more

8 years ago my daughter gave birth to a son. What should have been a joyful occasion was destroyed by a terrible birth. She suffered mentally and physically and ended up in a mother baby unit. I believe she has never completely addressed the event. Neither she nor her husband were able to bond with the boy for quite awhile so we had him and his sister often. Things got better and all seemed well however she started drinking heavily and now it affecting he relationship with her husband. He was at the point of leaving and taking the kids but I hope I have made him see some sense. It is killing me seeing them go through this and as they live in the country and I work I cannot just drop everything and drive 4 hours to help. Recently My husband and I went down to help but my daughter says everything is fine and to butt out. I have told my son in law that we are here to support him and the family but that walking out is a no win situation for all of us. He has gone from lashing out at me to being more understanding this morning and is willing to get help. I know my daughter has to want to get help but would like to have that info ready for when she does.

Mrs_K Family members who won't get help
  • replies: 7

How do you deal with family members who won't get help? I'm having trouble even bringing up the subject with my mother, who I believe has been chronically depressed for over 10 years now. She has been through menopause, which she blames for everythin... View more

How do you deal with family members who won't get help? I'm having trouble even bringing up the subject with my mother, who I believe has been chronically depressed for over 10 years now. She has been through menopause, which she blames for everything. She is always miserable, and criticising people, nothing is ever good enough, she mopes around the house, she slams doors, she mumbles and swears at the tv, she complains her siblings don't care about her aging mother and don't do anything to help (which is not true). Literally everything, she will find a way to complain about. She complains, she complains, she complains. She's very much stuck in victim hood. I don't know how to broach the subject. I've been treated for depression and anxiety all of my adult life. Something needs to change. I can not stand seeing her like this. I know she will deny there is a problem, make excuses about not being able to afford medication or a psychologist. Probably start another rant. Any suggestiong on how to handle this? Thankyou.

Deborahb Help me help my husband
  • replies: 7

Hello I hope I don’t ramble too much and wonder if you fine folk have some advice for me and my family. My husband has suffered from depression since his teenage years and is now 48. He’s been on medication for ten years but recently has become reall... View more

Hello I hope I don’t ramble too much and wonder if you fine folk have some advice for me and my family. My husband has suffered from depression since his teenage years and is now 48. He’s been on medication for ten years but recently has become really depressed and suffering from depression. I have not helped this as 20 months ago we sold everything to move to Australia and try to make a new start. This was always my dream and not his but he supported me in it. It’s not working out for him here, he cannot get a job and his self worth is very low. He has never been able to hold down a full time job for a sustained period of time and leave all the administration of running the house to me. He does take the children to school and cook so I appreciate this. Anyway we will go back to the U.K. but he is so low that I’m not sure how to help him. I love him dearly but his mood (although cannot be helped) is so low. Any advice would be helpful

ElleR Despite my knowledge of and experience with depression I don't know how to help my husband.
  • replies: 9

My husband and I are in our late 30s and have a 5 year old daughter. As background, i was diagnosed with postnatal depression when our daughter was 10 weeks old. A 2.5 year battle followed. Thankfully I'm now well. A year ago my husband was, finally,... View more

My husband and I are in our late 30s and have a 5 year old daughter. As background, i was diagnosed with postnatal depression when our daughter was 10 weeks old. A 2.5 year battle followed. Thankfully I'm now well. A year ago my husband was, finally, diagnosed with depression. I know it's common if one partner suffers a mental health issue then the other can be more susceptible. I say finally diagnosed as, even with all our knowledge from my experience, it took a long time to convince my husband to go to the GP. His first anti-depressant, didn't work. It took another few months to get him to go to a psychiatrist. He doesn't like her but is on a new medication. I'm trying to get him to transfer to my psychiatrist, who is happy to see him separately to me. My issue is that I'm pretty sick and tired of him. It sounds awful to say this, especially since I know what he is going through and that he can't just snap out of it, but I hate being around him. He lost the major client in our business and lied about it to me. All the while spending money. I didn't find out until I sent the client their monthly invoice. It has left us in financial stress. He is now only handling two clients and bringing in minimal money. I'm working 60 hours a week to make up the short fall. Plus i'm doing all cooking, cleaning, parenting. Most days I have to drag him out of bed. I know these are all part of depression - I had it myself not too long ago but I still did all the parenting, cooking, cleaning and some work while I was sick. He asks how he can help but then is upset when I tell him what to do. Often he still doesn't do it. Says I'm nagging. I can see things getting worse too as his dad has stage 4 cancer. He will not discuss this with me and is just sweeping it under the carpet. I fear when his dad dies (in 6-12 months time) he will really hit rock bottom. I want him to see a psychologist too but so far he won't. Even with all the knowledge he has about depression too, given my experiences, he won't get more help. I really hate him being at home with me. He tries to compliment me saying 'you're doing everything so well' but to me it's just insipid. It means nothing and I honestly don't want him to touch me. I'm too busy to care about that. And to be honest it feels like he's saying that just to get out of lifting a finger. How do I get him to get help? And how do I stop myself from hating him so much? I am going to see a psychologist myself in 2 weeks time.

Tommorri How to help my partner when she pushes me away.
  • replies: 4

Hi everyone, I have never reached out like this before but I really need help. My partner of 4 years has recently told me she wants space and it was devastating to hear it' been 2 weeks and I have moved out to give her space. A bit of a back story we... View more

Hi everyone, I have never reached out like this before but I really need help. My partner of 4 years has recently told me she wants space and it was devastating to hear it' been 2 weeks and I have moved out to give her space. A bit of a back story we had are a gorgeous little boy a year ago and the months after her father passed away. I always though she was such a strong woman for how she coped with it but now it's hit her bad with depression. AT the start she said she resented me and now she tells me she finds it easier to push me away instead of dealing with her depression. She still says she loves me but says it' hard to tell me because its hard. I want to be there for her and always tell her that I love her and I'm here every step of the way to help her through this hard time but she it so closed of to me. What can I do to help? Keep reassring her that I'm there or step back more I don' know! All I want is to see her happy again but she won' let me in. She says she doesn't know how to be happy anymore and I try to get her out to do things but still tells me it' easier to sit at home and do nothing. I' sure you have all heard this before but all I want is to be there for her and see her smile again!

Kate1117 Ever wonder if you're part of the problem?
  • replies: 5

It's been a long six years of living with and trying to care for a mentally ill partner. I know I didn't cause his mental illness. It was there before I knew him, including the behaviour patterns he displays now. But I can't help thinking I'm part of... View more

It's been a long six years of living with and trying to care for a mentally ill partner. I know I didn't cause his mental illness. It was there before I knew him, including the behaviour patterns he displays now. But I can't help thinking I'm part of the problem. Things never get better. Counselling, psychologist, psychiatrist, GP, medication - now talk of Occupational Therapy... none of this has led to any change. I compromise constantly, forgive, go without, shoulder the responsibility, do what's needed. But it seems like a race to the bottom. Inevitably, the next swing sets in with accompanying behaviours. I constantly lower my own standards, firstly to make the crappiness of it all seem more bearable (the 'well how much can I really expect' bargain one makes with oneself), and secondly so we can keep going as a family. But the pressure is always on me to prevent the next deterioration into a lower set of acceptable behaviour, and I get exhausted. Recently I told him I'd had enough. Over the six years of us being together, he's become worse, not better, therefore, I must be a part of the problem. Some friends have talked to him about his behaviour and he's lifted his game. He has actually tried. But if knowing that I'm fed up and packing my bags is the only thing that will get him to participate healthily, and I don't want to live in a constant state of being fed up so as to get that action, then - what's the point? I can't help thinking I'm part of the problem. If I break this up - he'll be mentally ill anyway. Mentally ill with me, mentally ill without me. If all the effort over the last six years to learn about and try and help with this problem has amounted to greater unhappiness, then it seems the best step is to break up. I don't like who I am anymore. Over the last few months I've become hardened, de-sensitized. I'm losing compassion for his situation. I'm angry too. Have I been used? Is his problem not depression, but some type of personality disorder that sees him enjoying all this drama he creates? I'm becoming intolerant. I speak bluntly or just refuse to speak sometimes. I'm exhausted. Sometimes when I think of him, the only words in my head are swear words. I don't think I can be nice anymore, let alone kind. It's worrying. Maybe it isn't that I've been part of the problem, but that if I continue on, I will certainly become part of the problem. Any thoughts? I know I'm not the first to be thinking like this.

Tamrin Caring for Family
  • replies: 2

Hi, I am the carer for my son at present, he has a Mental Health condition, psychosis and an ongoing addition drugs, alcohol. I joined the group to get some support as I am feeling overwhelmed by trival things with other family members ( not the addi... View more

Hi, I am the carer for my son at present, he has a Mental Health condition, psychosis and an ongoing addition drugs, alcohol. I joined the group to get some support as I am feeling overwhelmed by trival things with other family members ( not the addicted one). I think I just cant added anymore things to my own head. I was geared up work as I have let it slip for a few weeks ( I work for myself) but 2 other family members with ( I would say arguing) but discussing some in my ear and I went to retreat mode ( putting my head in the hands to block out the sound) . They saw I was kind of distressed and left. Then the tears came and I cant manage to get myself into work mode. So today I decided I needed some help or support from other carers. Thank you for being here!

Disassociate_disorder How can I help my daughter who has lost touch with reality? 
  • replies: 4

I'm worried about my daughter she describes feeling out of her body sleep disturbances suicidal thoughts and isolates herself She has had a lot of trauma in her life. She doesn't seem to be in touch with reality says she feels like her mind is racing... View more

I'm worried about my daughter she describes feeling out of her body sleep disturbances suicidal thoughts and isolates herself She has had a lot of trauma in her life. She doesn't seem to be in touch with reality says she feels like her mind is racing Doesn't know what day it is hears voices is robot like very worried about her please help

StaticRose51 Seniors Dementia- suggestions that help?
  • replies: 17

Hi All I am currently living supporting someone who has Dementia and gets anxious a lot. Are there any extra activities that will help with the Dementia?

Hi All I am currently living supporting someone who has Dementia and gets anxious a lot. Are there any extra activities that will help with the Dementia?

Rose80 Online support group. Rural areas. Partners with depression
  • replies: 4

Hi, I am 29 and my partner of three years is 32. He has had depression for most of his life. I have come to terms with the fact that his depression is something that will always be around and impact on our relationship. While I have told some friends... View more

Hi, I am 29 and my partner of three years is 32. He has had depression for most of his life. I have come to terms with the fact that his depression is something that will always be around and impact on our relationship. While I have told some friends and family about how hard it can be, they don't really understand the isolation and worry that the partners of depressed people go though. And living in a rural area we don't have the support that people can access in the city. I want an online forum that I can go to to give and receive support when things are tough. There may already be a forum that has been created in which I can join, or perhaps some people would like to share some of their stories on this forum. I just don't want to feel like I'm alone and to communicate to some like minded people, who are going though similar things, would be helpful. I do plan on sharing more once I figure out where is the right place to start sharing (which forum). Thanks, Rose