Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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I don't know what to say

replies: 3

Hi everyone, I'm new. My partner of 4 years has suffered depression mildly over this time and is under a GP and medicated quite well. Around 8-10 months ago he became less affectionate and I have felt pushed away and rejected. I've talked to him a few times but nothing changed, however a month ago this came up again and he became very depressed. He ended the relationship saying he could never be what I need him to be. We are still friends and I know he needs the support so I'm touching base with him almost every day. He has seen his GP and she has increased his medication and wants him to see a counsellor. This is all great but I don't know what he needs from me. I want to tell him I love him, that I want us together to deal with it .. not apart. But I need some advice to help me know if telling him all this will add to his stress or should I just hold back on the relationship side and just be his friend. Does it help him to know I still love him and want him when he is ready ... or is this pushing him away. I'm so confused about what he needs from me right now but I'll do anything to help him get better and get us happy again.

I am in serious need of help

replies: 1

Hi, I am not a sufferer of depression but a lot of my friends are, and it's becoming to a point where I cannot literally handle their mental state at times, they are good friends however, they always turn to me during their "moments". I am a very open minded person, and I don't judge them based on their state of mind nor basically anything. I know it's not easy having depression, and it's especially hard to live with it even when you are in suicidal thoughts. However, I physically cannot take it anymore, it's gotten to the point where I am really tired of listening to same thing over and over again. I'd honestly like to help them but...the thing is it's online friends. Of course, I have nothing against them but seeking consistent reassurance about themselves, and then telling them all kinds of advice is not helping. Is there a way to tell them to slightly I guess back off a little bit? I know I am coming off rude, but I have become extremely immune to their episodes I even am starting to think I'm heartless or something. I am tired and very mentally tired it's been effecting me a lot, that sometimes I tend to have some anxiety thinking about what to say. I am really desperate for help they are good friends when they aren't in that state however, they keep coming back to me and another friend of mine to consistently get reassurance.I don't even know distancing myself a little bit would cause them to think I don't care, I do care I really do but I live half way across the world from them, and only know the surface part of them???? I don't know my friends personally, I have told them to therapy, try this that this EVERYTHING! I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE. THEY DON'T LISTEN TO ME!!! I am so frustrated O(-(....please any advice?? Thanks

Understanding my friend's mental health issues

replies: 4

My male friend is 19 years old. He has a secure job in the Australian Army. He has many troubles he often talks about with me but sometimes I feel unable to reciprocate. I'd like some advice on understanding what my friend may be facing in life. I will try and keep this concise. My friend is fit and healthy, his job requires it. He commits to his own ideas like 'going to the gym 4 times a week' but really it's whenever he feels like it. He is much more impulsive than structured, tends to act on his 'want' more than his long-term 'need'. He only sticks with an idea or plan if he sees immediate repeated success. I'd say he is easily discouraged and unable to commit to long-term ideas, impatient. Currently, he has financial trouble and generally spends his money as soon as its obtained. Purchases are made in large quantities without any respect for savings. It's only when he realises he has no money he tells me he has to save some. Like a vicious cycle. He recently took out a $30k loan - 'to get a vehicle', any attempt I made at persuading him to get a low-cost first car was ignored. I think he values the immediate fun of owning a fancy car and 'showing it off' more than the smart long-term approach. I think he compensates a lot for his lack of identity. I have an excellent relationship with him, we know each other very well. Our conversations are generally about him or his interests. I find he has very little or no appreciation for many things that he isn't preoccupied. Even things as general as music, books, arts or culture. He just completely ignores or just doesn't care. Even when I talk about my life there is a pretend to care response but very rarely do you get constructive responses out of him when discussing my life. I believe he is selfish. He is usually very respectful in conversation but occasionally just cuts you off and speaks his mind - or he ignores your rant / detailed explanation because he either can't understand it or it's 'useless to him'. He doesn't tell me this but I believe this is what is happening. I tried to keep this short. His life is very fast paced and I feel he thinks life is a big race to get money and act tough. Very rarely does he act in the present and appreciate the small things in life. I don't think he is gaining any more perspective even though he should be learning lessons through his job and through supposed financial mistakes. I care for my friend and we are very in tune as a pair. Thanks.

How can I help my husband ?

replies: 6

My husband had been struggling with depression for a while he gets anxiety and panic attacks also. He started taking medication 6 months ago, since starting the medication he has started drinking more heavily. His depression has been getting worse so last week the doctor changed his meds and now he has fallen more into the depression he can’t stop drinking.His moods jump from wanting help and being aware that it’s not him, to angry outbursts and wants to be alone . I have tried suggesting he checks in with his GP but he is reluctant to see them. I just want to help him and don’t know where to start

At my wits end

replies: 3

Hi All. Looking for any advice with regards to supporting / managing a spouse who has depression and looking after myself while doing so. Long story short, my husband developed depression and anxiety (and I think bi-polar tendencies that have not been formally diagnosed) just after the birth of our son two years ago. The condition/s were managed with anti-depressants up until three months ago, where he spontaneously took himself off them. We are now back to where we started with him sleeping constantly and not being interested in anything, anyone or activity. He loves our son, plays and cares for him-- this is not the issue-- the issue is that it actively feels like he's avoiding me, even to the point that ten minutes after I get through the door at the end of the day, he will just go to bed and leave me with everything until about 9pm, including the house work, dinner and bath for our son, our dinner, laundry and household administration (bills etc). I have tried so many different ways of approaching this topic with him with no success over the last two years. I have confronted him about this, tried the caring approach, tried ignoring the situation and just "getting on with what I need to do". I'm at the point where I am now getting four hours sleep a night, doing a full day at work and then all of the house stuff. He promises that he will change, try harder etc but there is no carry over from this commitment- even when he was on medication. I DREAD going home and only do so because of my son. I can't carry on with this level of stress, it's affecting my own mental health and my own physical health too. Any advice would be appreciated. I just don't know what to do anymore.

My partner tells me he hates his life and insists there is no point discussing it because it never goes anywhere.

replies: 1

Hello, This is my first time posting. Im concerned about my partner, we have had a lot of up and downs - mostly struggling with his depression, social anxiety, constant arguing and problems with alcohol (also my own depression and trauma as well). He goes through phases of not working and falls into a very long and deep depression (this has happened twice over our three years together) has been on and off antidepressants and has tried counselling which apparently didn't help much. Things are actually ok..ish at the moment however I feel the need to push him in the right direction so it doesn't happen again. He hates what he does for work and I know he feels trapped and doesn't know how or what he wants to do with his life. He has said to me he hates his life and tells me there is no point discussing it because it never goes anywhere. I find this incredibly frustrating as I am a very practical person and I feel like I could help him navigate options if only he was more open minded, but he is so negative. I strongly think he should go back to study to help change his direction and pursue his interests. But money is of course an issue, but he doesn't want to do share housing to make it possible, and we are not emotionally stable enough to live together. He is in his early 30's and knows that he does not want to continue in his line of work which is very labor intense and long hours but is making no effort to get out of it. His lack of effort to seek change drives me nuts when all he does is complain about it! I just want him to find purpose or at least not dread going to work everyday, what can I do to help? He makes it very difficult to talk about this and says it's a sensitive issue and has contributed to his depression and anxiety for a very long time. All of this is strongly impacting out relationship, I won't want to stay with him if he chooses to repeat another year like this but it's unfair to threaten him like that. Even if we don't work out I still want him to be happy and find value in his life. Any advice on what I can do?

Husband showing signs of depression...

replies: 2

Hi everyone, I am new to the forum but after reading other people’s posts thought I might be able to get some advice and support in this time. My husband and I have been married for 2.5years and we have a beautiful little 16month old boy who we both love dearly. I have been with my husband for 7.5 years and as a partnership we are very strong. Since we have been together, my husband has been able to work in his dream career as a professional athlete (I won’t disclose what field), but this is unfortunately also becoming a large source of emotional and mental stress that I beleive is really starting to cause him a lot of pain. His field brings on a lot of expectation, politics and in his case continuous “disappointments” that have quite often been out of his control. However, being in the public spotlight it is often not portrayed like that and he worries about his reputation, which adds a layer of pressure. As is often observed, the birth of our son has again seen my husband put even more expectation on himself to “be the best” and “do well” because he feels it is his responsibility to support the family (which he is doing already, he just needs to be reminded sometimes). lately, I have noticed he has been on board a rollercoaster of emotions -good and bad days. He sometimes talks and vents about his feelings and other days shuts down about it. Some weeks he doesn’t have a full day off causing him to constantly be around the people and environment that are aggravating his emotions. He is confused about what to do, and is torn between doing what is best for himself mentally because of the “damage” it may do in his career. We have spoken openly about his feelings, and he knows that he is supported by me and is looking to speak to a sports psychologist. However, i am wondering if anyone has any other tips on what I can do for him on this journey? Also, while I am positive about him seeing a sport psychologist I am worried that he may need additional counseling support that addresses more than the sport aspect and performance. Maybe someone can clarify more about what a sport psychologist can do for him to me? I feel he showing more signs of depression than he realizes, but I don’t know how I can address this with him? I am scared it will make him feel worse and I know that he will worry about the effect it is having on me and my son more than himself. thanks in advance!

Caring for yourself

replies: 3

Hi there, I’ve recently been having difficulties with my long-term partner of 4 years. He deals with depression and anxiety. Over the last few months I’ve realised that I don’t know how to look after myself. When friends or family members tell me to take care of myself while things are being sorted, I always say that I will. But then when I’m having one of my down times where I overthink everything, I realise that I don’t know how to take care of myself. There are days when I wake up and instantly have bad thoughts about what’s going on, and then I don’t want to get out of bed. I just want to sleep. What ways have you or people you know dealt with overthinking/anxiety? What methods do you use to feel better? And what would be considered self-care? - puppies

Partner with depression - hoping for advice

replies: 3

I am supporting my partner who suffers with depression. We have been together 2.5 years and episodic depression is something which he has struggled with the entire time we have been together. Generally we have a very happy relationship, we love eachother very much and barely argue. His depressive episodes are sporadic and he has extended periods of time where he is absolutely fine. Generally his low points come at times in our lives where things are unsettled or we are struggling with money. Due to pursuing his passion taking him across the world and back again, he has not got a career as he has had to take more casual work that has offered him flexibility. He is now approaching 30 and although I try to tell him that when he's 80 he'll look back at this time and be happy that he pursued his passion rather than get a career, during down points he feels very worthless because of this. I feel that most of his depression is circumstantial - in that he is triggered by stressful situations in his life - e.g. moving abroad, not having any money, being stressed about getting a job etc. When he is down, I find it extremely difficult to support him. I'm desperate to help him but he won't talk to me and I am the only person who truly knows the extent of his depression. He pushes me away and flips between telling me he's not good enough for me and lashing out at me about small things. He won't get help because he doesn't want to be medicated and doesn't feel that talking to a professional would help. He knows how to help himself in terms of diet, exercise and meditation etc but when he's at his worst he can't bring himself to follow those basic principles and I can't make him do it. I find it extremely stressful and draining and I feel completely helpless/useless. I'm terrified he will break up with me because he thinks he's not good enough for me or worse, that one day in an extreme low he may hurt himself. I can't talk to him about how I feel and the impact it has on me because he can't support himself let alone support me through how I feel about this at these times. Anytime I have tried to talk to him about how it makes me feel he has called me selfish and I have learnt that that is fair, but I don't have any support or anyone to talk to about it myself. I really don't know how to help him or to help myself. Any advice would be welcomed.

15yr daughter refuses to come out of her room

replies: 3

Hello, I’m in desperate need of help. I’m feeling very helpless and so emotional that I’m not able to function. My daughter who suffers severe depression, anxiety, self harms and borderline personality disorder has totally shut her family and friends out except for her older brother. She has refused to come out of her room for about a week now. Everytime my husband and I would go in to check in on her... she screams, cries and refuses to even look at us. It breaks our heart to see her like this... she looks at us like we are strangers. I have to get my son to bring her food in her room otherwise she would starve. She also refuses to take her medication, only eats one meal a day, probably took 3 showers in the last 7 days. We are all concerned about her. Tomorrow is meant to be her first day back at school from holidays but with her current situation I don’t think she’ll be going. My main concern is her mental state. We’re all worried sick about her. We have spoken to a psychiatrist whom she refuses to see. The psychiatrist said to be patient with her and to give her time and space. I can not watch her spend her life like this. How long do we have to wait.... what can we do to get her out of her room??? My son said she is scared of people (including myself and her dad). Why is this??? Does anyone know the reason for her feeling this way? I’m lost, confused, heartbroken and helpless.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

I don't know what to say replies: 3

I am in serious need of help replies: 1

Understanding my friend's mental health issues replies: 4

How can I help my husband ? replies: 6

At my wits end replies: 3

My partner tells me he hates his life and insists there is no point discussing it because it never goes anywhere. replies: 1

Husband showing signs of depression... replies: 2

Caring for yourself replies: 3

Partner with depression - hoping for advice replies: 3

15yr daughter refuses to come out of her room replies: 3