Suicidal Husband - no more hope

[Bubbleb]

So my husband and I have been together for almost 7 years, married for 2.5 of that. We have an amazing relationship, we love each other dearly, we don’t have any financial stresses, we don’t have any kids yet, just a beautiful pup. My husband however, suffers with severe depression and anxiety. To the point where each day he tells me he honestly doesn’t want to live anymore, doesn’t wasn’t to suffer. As much as he loves me and doesn’t want to leave me, he just can’t stick around.

All his stresses and anxiety stem from his work. He’s been hospitalised twice now of being suicidal due to two different work events, mainly due to his lack of self confidence in his role. He applied for a different company thinking it’d solve his stresses, but it hasn’t as now he’s in turmoil over whether to stay at his current employer (who is aware and supportive of his mental health issues) or go to new one job with no leave entitlements/support for a job that’s potentially less stressful?!

Given all this, I have been encouraging him to seek help, but my problem is I am feeling really let down by everything I turn him to. He’s been to the GP (multiple), psychiatrist, psychologist (multiple), different antidepressants (3 now), hospitalisations and now CBT course. He’s just not getting better.

Hes now said he’s tried everything and that unfortunately there’s no help for him and that some people just don’t get better from this illness. I feel like I don’t have any hope left to turn to for us in getting my husband out of this suicidal state. I just feel rendered useless /hopeless as I watched him continue adding to his draft suicide note tonight (he’s not aware I know)

How can I encourage him to persevere??

[Sophie_M]

Hey Bubbleb,

Thanks for sharing whats happening for you and your husband. Sounds like he is really struggling and that everything he has tried feels like it has not been helpful. We can hear how much he means to you and the impact this is also having on yourself. We're really glad to hear that he has felt comfortable to share with you how he is feeling especially given that many people (especially men) struggle to do so which can make things worse.

It takes alot of courage to reach out so we're really glad you have and know that you are certainly not alone in your worry.
 
If you or your husband haven't heard of Mensline Australia, perhaps it may be worth considering for your husband to reach out to Mensline who are available 24/7 for immediate support for men who are struggling. Mensline can be contacted both online at mensline.org.au and by telephone on 1300 789 978 anytime.
 
We urge you that if you feel that your husband is unable to keep himself self from act on his suicidal feelings, this is an emergency and you should contact 000.
 
We hope that you are both safe and trust that other members of our Beyond Blue community will stop by to provide support and wisdom also.

[geoff]

Hello Bubbleb, and an extremely warm welcome for posting your comment.

I am deeply sorry for the situation the two of you are struggling with, and I'll be as gentle as I can, knowing that the position you're in, seems like a bottomless pit.

From experience, for your husband to change jobs is not going to change how he feels, perhaps at other times this may be possible, the trouble is that he's had help and nothing has been able to change his thoughts so moving to a less stressful job is only going to cultivate how he feels, and please know, that I'm not a doctor, but perhaps an example might show you better.

I was a builder/handyman and someone wanted me to build a rabbit hatch, something quite simple to make, but with my depression, it took me weeks, I had no interest and virtually couldn't do it, so this could happen with your husband, although initially, it might make him feel better, but this will wear off quickly, and I'm only talking from my own experience.

You are not to blame for the help you have tried, and one option that the psychiatrist may mention is ECT, has this been suggested to the both of you.

Take care.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi Bubbleb

I feel so deeply for you both as you navigate through the torturous overwhelming challenges that come with facing the very depths of depression. Personally, I've been there myself and can honestly say there's nothing that compares to it.

While hindsight can offer clarity, when you're smack bang in the middle of such a challenge it can definitely be mind altering and not in a good way. In hindsight, I can say (for me) spending 15 years of finding all the things that didn't work in taking me out of depression was seriously depressing. I think there's a kind of negligence on the part of professionals who don't seriously address this issue. If I had to choose an analogy, it's kinda like you've been given this sentence which can feel like a life sentence at times. So you're stuck in this prison and every so often someone comes along with a key to let you out. In the beginning, you feel so excited, so optimistic. They try the key and it doesn't work and off they go while you sit 'rotting' in a way. Next one comes along with a different key. Again, you're optimistic. It doesn't work. It happens again and again, to the point where you now believe everyone who comes along with a key is holding a key that won't work. It can get seriously depressing.

Personally, I found my key where I least expected to find it. When I went along to PND group therapy after my 2nd child was born, I went with the belief I'd find ways to manage the depressing side of motherhood. I didn't expect at all to have it bring me out of a decade and a half of depression. The key is often where you least expect to find it.

Being one of those mind/body/spirit gals, with the benefit of hindsight, it's easier for me now to pick where things went wrong within my depression. While you can address the mind, the way it ticks and processes thoughts and beliefs in order to make sense of things, addressing the mind alone may not help. While you can address the body (biology and chemistry) in relation to depression, this alone may not help. In addressing how we naturally tick (from 3 different perspectives), what's being addressed is psychological, biological, chemical and soulful. From a natural or soulful perspective we can feel what is simply 'soul destroying'. If intense enough, it's like you can feel yourself slowly dying, desperate to put yourself out of your misery.

Being 'a feeler' can come with absolutely massive challenges, especially when all you're feeling is 'what doesn't work'.

[Bubbleb]

Hi Geoff,

Thank you for your response. It is appreciated. ECT was suggested to us at the time when he was on his second antidepressant, but my husband seems to be adverse to it and to be completely honest it does scare me quite a bit as well!

Do you have much experience yourself or are you aware of others that have gone through the ECT process?

[Petal22]

Hi Bubbleb,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im so sorry yourself and your husband are going through this it’s just heartbreaking…. I feel for you…

Its a really difficult and horrible thing to go through anxiety and depression…. I feel through out my life I had suffered with depression and I also had severe anxiety OCD which I was diagnosed with by a psychiatrist…….

I have now recovered from this condition … it was a long journey……

I did metacognitive therapy, I did this in a group my therapy was designed around a intervention into the OCD…… I have read this therapy is also used for depression…. Maybe you could look into it and see if it’s a fit for your husband…..

“ Metacognitive therapy “

In this therapy I learned what unhelpful thinking cycles I was in and then I was able to learn to disengage from these cycles…

This therapy really changed my life I used to be so lost and stuck in my head and now I’m no longer stuck in this cycle… I’m now more aware…. Conscious…… I’ve learned to rise above the thoughts..

It took practice and perseverance to overcome this but now that I have life on the other side is amazing….

Please tell you husband to please not give up hope there is hope, there is hope that he can get better and be on the other side of these conditions… people do get better I’m living proof of this… I used to “ feel” like I was living in an internal hell but now I’m on the other side life is amazing and it can be for your husband aswell.

Has your husband ever tried meditation? I did a guided meditation as part of my therapy it taught me that I’m not my thoughts but the watcher of my thoughts….. your husband can also learn this concept it just takes practice…

Im sorry you have tried so many avenues and have had not found anything “ yet” that has helped…… please keep trying……… don’t give up…. Your husband is the LIGHT it’s inside him, he just needs to realise this…..I understand right now he is trying to find his way through the darkness but sometimes we need to understand we are the light and we need to learn to tap into our light and use everything in our power to do this…… 🙏 look for LOVE…….. we are LOVE all of us….LOVE will always bring us back home to ourselves ❤️

[Petal22]

Sometimes we have to walk through the valleys to get to the mountain tops 🙏❤️