Problem with a girl

[bigjerry99]

So I’ve been seeing a girl, and she has a lot of trauma, and I mean a lot.

Childhood abuse

Childhood sexual abuse

Domestic violence by multiple men

Ongoing domestic violence from previous relationship

Rape

And a really messed up family, where it’s constant issues with her family.

And also self harm involved.

I visit, she’s drinking heavily all the time, which ends with her falling over and saying many things about hating living, and the conversations end on talking about trauma, ongoing issues and quite a lot of that.

I really like her, for all the beauty I see in her, our common interests, humour and everything.

It’s at the point it mentally is taking a toll on me. I feel scared to go home incase something happens. I feel guilty that there’s not much I can do. I stay supportive, I don’t try to just tell her what to do as I know as somebody who suffers mental health myself that sometimes you just want somebody to listen, but it’s really filling me up with just worry, anxiety etc. obviously I don’t want to say that or it would sound mean and I don’t want to hurt her.

Multiple times she’s been abused and she’s just not been helped by police or anything.

I honestly don’t know what to do, any advice would be great.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

There is a saying "you can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink". On this forum we have seen countless posts form members asking what they can do to help their loved one that is restricted or decides they wont help themselves. It's a very sad situation but in the end you can only do so much. This might mean you will need to draw a line at how far you go with this girl because you could end up quite hurt and scarred by the relationship. If however she responds positively then you have hope. One advantage is that you have experienced mental health issues yourself, that places you in a commending position to help her as you know a bit of what she has gone through.

You would be wise to not be afraid of going home eg that she could self harm or worse, again you can only help to a point then they are on their own. 

The best form of advice I can give you is for her to gain your trust. If your relationship doesnt work out you can always remain a friend and that could be a beautiful friendship. That trust will be a long road and it looks like you've made significant inroads.

So in summary- gain trust from her, dont fear her actions as you are not responsible for everything, listen, sway her habits like drinking calmly, time will drift thoughts about her past relationship, be prepared for the relationship not working out as there is excess issues there. Good luck and thanks for posting

TonyWK