Picking up on cues that signal my partner is struggling

[Squishy13]

My partner & I have been together over five years. At the beginning of this year our once-solid relationship was on the rocks - he was diagnosed with severe depression & apparently he'd been hiding it for the past couple of years. I knew he was unhappy with life at times but didn't realise how much pain he was actually in.
Long story short, we went through some very rough patches this year & I wasn't sure if we were going to survive them, but we seem to have turned a corner now, so yay us. I'm glad I persevered in keeping us together. I know it's going to be a forever thing.
Now that our relationship is back to a stronger place & I don't have to battle to keep us together, I am able to see certain things in his behaviour that tell me when he is hurting, or in a particularly dark place. Sometimes I catch him staring off into the distance, & I can see the pain inside. His eyes are wide open, & someone may think he's deep in thought, but I know that he is stuck in a dark moment. All I do is stroke his hair, or hug him, or give him a little kiss on the cheek or head....I don't say anything unless it's "I love you" & I try to just share some of my love & warmth with him, hoping it gets through.
Other times he'll come home & go straight to the spare room where his guitars are & he'll start playing. I don't interrupt, I just let him go & keep doing whatever it was that I was doing. 
One day I wanted to go for a drive, so I grabbed my keys & declared that we were taking my car, & we took off. Not long into the drive I could sense his feelings - he didn't have to do or say anything. He just seemed....empty. And I thought to myself, "damn, I should've let him drive so he would be busy." So now I keep that in mind.
I have my moments where I get frustrated or annoyed (internally). He listens to some songs that surely only make his low mood lower....But before running my mouth I think to myself, maybe he finds comfort in listening to songs that he can relate to, & if that's the case, comfort is a really important thing for him to have. So is the feeling of not being alone - and being understood.
This illness is the devil & I hate it, but it has taught me to think differently & to be more empathetic. Happy to hear about your experiences too.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Squishy13
 
Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums we are so glad that you have made you way here and had the bravery to post. We want you to know that this is a safe space to discuss your thoughts, feelings and experiences and receive honest responses and suggestions from fellow forum users.
 
We are sorry to hear you are going through this however can also hear the love and compassion you hold for your partner.  Supporting a family member who is feeling depressed or suicidal can generate a broad range of feelings and so it's understandable that you are seeking some insight and understanding here, at times it can be confusing, stressful and even overwhelming. As with any other time of stress it is essential that you look after yourself too.
 
While you await a response on your thread here, we just wanted to let you know that we are also here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our WebChat.  Our fully qualified counsellors who answer the phones are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it.
 
You may also find the follow resources helpful on supporting someone who is experiencing anxiety depression or suicidal feelings  - Click Here.  However please remember that it is important to contact 000 in an emergency, you may also call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467.
 
We’re sure to hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. They’re a really amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.  Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.
 
Regards 
 
Sophie M

[Bob_22]

Hey Squishy13,

Welcome to the forums and thank you so much for sharing your story. You sound like an amazing partner and support person and much of what you shared is very touching. Thank you for being so empathic and understanding and for sharing your experience/tips here.

As someone who has experienced depression I can say you're doing all the right things. It is amazing that you give your partner the appropriate amount of space and time whilst supporting him when he is low. It is incredibly difficult for other people to understand the feeling of emptiness/numbness that is major depression unless experienced by one's self. Often it seems that the person is detached and uninterested when in fact it has nothing to do with the environment and all to do with the illness/what is going on (or what little is going on) inside the mind.

I have worked with young people who experience anxiety and depression and simply offering an ear and some time can go a long way. I usually find simply being available or sharing moments of similar feelings with someone to be an amazing support strategy. 

Again, thank you for sharing and keep up all the great work you do. I'm sure your partner appreciates what you do for him and it is great that users here can learn from it as well. I hope you can find some similar stories here on the forums. 💙

Bob