Overwhelmed! Supporting 21-year-old depressed boyfriend, his mother lashes out at him for being depressed & I have no support of my own

[Sophie2]

Hi, I have been with my depressed boyfriend for almost 3 years and I'm really struggling to cope now. We are both 21, do not live together and both live at home with our families. I work and study and he has only been working for a year and is due to start his dream uni course in March after 2 failed attempts at other degrees.

He has just come out of a two-week stint in rehab and was a changed man and I was so proud of him. After 5 days of him being back at home we were due to head down the Coast for two nights joining his family on their holiday. He was going to drive us there which was a big deal because he has severe anxiety about driving due to a crash. When I found him at home, I saw his depression had hit and it was most likely triggered by him about to be in close proximity to his mother who he does not have a good relationship with. She frequently puts him down saying he's useless, he's been out of school for nearly 5 years with nothing to show for it etc and she says this to him, in front of his siblings and even calls me to tell me things like this. I know she's disappointed in him because his depression has caused him to let us down a fair bit but I don't think this is fair on him and it puts me in an extremely awkward position listening to her lash out at him.

He is currently on anti-depressants and a drug for alcohol cravings and sees his psychiatrist once a fortnight if he is up to it (if his depression hits, he misses the appointment). He completed the drive despite being depressed and I was so proud of him, but the day after we arrived, his mother started on him saying that she didn't believe he would do this degree, it's a waste of money, he's got no hope etc and this was awful to experience. He immediately retreated and would not join family activities and it was a huge effort for me to take him to the beach just the two of us.

We got home from the coast and I told him I would leave him be because he wants space when he's depressed for about 4-5 days. The next morning his mum called me to say that she TEXTED him to say that she wants him out of the house by the end of February and that he can't love me if he's depressed and he can live in a sharehouse with druggies for all she cares. She then told me she wants to sell the family home and she wants to leave her husband as well and so many other things I do not need to be hearing. I tried calling my boyfriend after this and he wouldn't answer.

Please help! I'm completely exhausted.

[Croix]

Dear Sophie~

It's a horrible situation to be in, and no it's not fair. All that time, love and support I think must count for a lot in the long scheme of things, perhaps things will improve.

I'm not sure what to suggest with the weed, it certainly sounds like it is causing a major problem, however not saying anything does not seemed to have worked either. Disssaproval is at least honest and gives him a reminder of how far off track he is.

Reminding him of the effects of weed and drink on his meds is something I'd consider, as he may be getting no benefit from medication at all as a result right now. I guess all the time his mates offer it the problem is not going to go away.

I don't think it does you any good thinking so much about the matter, expecting the phone to ring. May I suggest that you you try to occupy yourself just at the moment with other things. You mentioned you have uni and work as well. I'm not saying give up on the relationship, just keep yourself OK. Apart from anything else concentrating on work and study will keep your mind occupied.

I can feel how upsetting this turn of events is being for you and can only urge yo to look after yourself and see what happens

Please do keep posting

Croix

[Sophie2]

Hi everyone,

It's been 2 weeks since the breakup. I haven't reached out to my boyfriend, I thought about sending a funny photo after a month or so to see where he is with the depression, but I've decided against any contact - I think it's for the best I move on. I met up with his mother to let her know what had been going on and she told me it was obvious he was in love with me, but he's chosen to wallow in his depression and his addictions over the relationship and he won't change until he realises he is truly alone. I truly believe he will not change as long as he is in that living environment with friends who encourage drinking and getting high - why would he tackle depression when he can just escape? I was the one person outside his family that pushed him to see a better future for himself and he got rid of me because he hated letting me down and feeling guilty all the time. I've seen signs on social media that he's spiralling out of control and spending all his time with these bad influences who come to the apartment to get high. I've had to block him because it's too painful for me. I've lost my best friend and boyfriend of nearly 4 years in an instant. It was my birthday this week and he sent me a text wishing me happy birthday and that i'm a beautiful person with a beautiful soul and he wishes me all the best. That was so hard to read. He's clearly moving on and now I'm pushing myself to do the same. I've thought about texting his mum in a couple of months asking if he's taken steps to improve his situation. She's said she hopes it won't be too long before she sees me again (I think that means with my boyfriend?). I think I'm going to start therapy to help with letting go. I'm truly devastated.

[Sophie2]

Hi Croix,

It's now 6 weeks since the breakup. I haven't attempted to contact him, I'm trying to let go and heal and I've started therapy too. I have unfollowed him and his friends on social media to help with letting go but I forgot one friend and a photo of my ex boyfriend popped up of him out drinking a few weeks ago. He looked exactly as he did just before he went into rehab last year so clearly he's not looking after himself. I feel guilty that seeing him in that state made me feel better about the situation - it made me feel like it's not the relationship that was wearing him down. Since I saw that photo, I've made sure to hide every possible thing on social media of him so I won't be surprised again.

I said he texted me for my birthday a month ago and I didn't reply to his text. It didn't seem genuine and I was too hurt and angry to deal with him. But this weekend he texted me again late at night saying he misses me. I thought I was doing pretty well in working through the breakup but now that text has thrown me. I replied tonight saying I miss him too, but that's all I'm going to say unless he contacts me again and even then I'm not sure what good that would do. I still miss him everyday and I wish this didn't happen but I don't really have a choice but to work through it.

I know this question would get asked a lot, but could you give some insight into why he would reach out again, or if there is hope in the future? He's always been open with his feelings toward me so I understand he really does miss me, but what would he want to achieve?

Thank you so much for your help.

[Croix]

Dear Sophie~

I am so very sorry for what you are having to go though, it is a heart-breaking situation. As you have asked me I'd have to say I can see no way you could get back together without destroying yourself.

Your ex-boyfriend has had ample time to turn around and make a sincere effort to improve his lifestyle, however from what you say that is not happening. That being the case nothing realy has changed since you were forced to let him go. As you said before his environment has not changed, and you are most likely a symbol of his failure and guilt.

I'm actually quite impressed with the composed, sensible and resolute manner in which you have handled things since the break-up despite the obvious anguish you have felt.

Seeing that photo probably gave you a moment of relief that he had not changed and so your judgment was correct and all your suffering with the break-up justified. All that in addition to the fact it confirmed it was not your presence that made him behave as he did.

As to why he would reach out again, well he may indeed have felt something for you, not enough to change and look after your well-being, but something. Sending you a message is a very easy thing to do, so from his point of view worth a try.

Any worthwhile relationship takes two people that really do care for the other, and are prepared to go to great lengths to look after that other person, make them happy and lend their strength when needed.

I believe you deserve someone to be with you in such a relationship and seeking elsewhere really is the only way.

I'm sorry I can't give you a happier view

Croix

[Spikeo]

Hi Sophie

This is just the way I see it of course, but as you said it was late im assuming it would have been after the drinks and weed stopped and he was alone. He could very well honestly miss you. But not enough to stop the party lifestyle. He may also be just making sure youre still there, still waiting for him. You could possibly put the hard word on him to either realise what you 2 had, -a potential uni degree and career for him and beating depression- or weed and getting drunk with his mates. You could try bluff him or if you decide you have had enough, that is up to you.

just my perspective on this.

Hope all goes well for you.

[Sophie2]

Thanks Croix, I really appreciate your advice. Its now 2 months post-breakup and I'm feeling stronger - the therapy is really helping. I didn't think I'd be saying this again, but I received another text a couple of days ago (this is the third time he's contacted me). This one said he didn't think I would want to talk to him but he doesn't want to pretend that the last few years didn't happen and he wants us to be friends (?) even if its just a message every now and then. He said he wants to see how my life is going then told me all these life changes he's making, but none of those include getting sober or getting help (figures). At this stage, I have decided to not reply to this message. I think it's insulting that he can move on so quickly after a fairly long-term relationship. I have no desire to be a doormat and I feel like that message was only to ease the guilt he feels from ending the relationship. I think I'm finally realising now that I deserve so much better and I hope this will ease my pain. Thank you for helping me through this 🙂

[Croix]

Dear Sophie2~

You are very welcome. It is rewarding to see someone emerge from such a horrible episode in their life.

I think all you say in that latest post is spot-on and your decision not to respond a very wise one. You certainly do deserve much better.

I guess even as grief lessens over time there will be ups and downs, however I'm confident you can face them with strength and perspective.

Croix