New members: me and my teenage son.

[Aknitter]

Hi all.

Recently my 17yo son, currently in Year 11 of VCE, has been diagnosed with depression/anxiety. It is early days and we are just beginning to sort through the issues. I think he has always been a bit shy, but it never really crossed my mind that he had 'anxiety'. He has certainly coped very well under the circumstances. In the last few years in particular he has had problems concentrating, and complaining of "brain fog" but he's always been able to pull through. His symptoms are confusing as he also has constant allergic rhinitis and I thought that was part of the problem. I didn't realise how much this was effecting his school work until recently when he said that he wanted to give up on school, and had lost motivation for other activities he typically enjoyed.

We have seen a GP and he has seen a psychologist once with a follow-up this week. We have been given a referral to a paediatrician to try and ascertain whether he is a canditate for medication, and to try to get some answers regarding his "brain fog". At the moment it's a challenge to try to get him to attend school and stay in classes. I'm concerned about the time factor because this is Year 11, although his psychologist said "Time is NOT of the essence", which is reassuring, I guess. I have a tendency to want to fix things, and want them fixed *now*. It's especially concerning as he's heading into his final years of school.

And some info on me: I have depression too and have been on medication for 7 years. I'm not sure whether I've made much progress with my own mental health and some days I feel overwhelmed with my son's difficulties. I've decided to join in so I can learn more about this, both for my son and myself.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Aknitter,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for being here.

I'm sorry that your son is having a tough time at the moment and I'm glad that he's getting the help he needs. Hopefully it doesn't take too long to figure out what might be causing the brain fog!

I understand the feeling of wanting to get things fixed now, given the fact he is in year 11. This is a big period in his life given that he's so close to graduating high school.

From a young person's perspective though I want to try and encourage you to see that even though it is a big period in his life, this isn't a 'make or break'. I struggled a lot in high school because of health issues; and even though there is a lot of pressure and it feels like a 'do or die' situation, there are actually many pathways out and many options. I'm not sure what your son is interested in and if he wants to go to University, but there are many ways and options to do this besides getting a TER (University rank).

I'm sure that by being here you'll get lots of different views and perspectives - that's kind of the beauty in this forum; but hopefully it helps to know that even though your son is having a tough time, the fact that he's close to graduating doesn't mean it's going to be harder for him.

[Starwolf]

Hi Aknitter, good to have you on board.

It sounds like your son has trouble coping with study related pressure. This is difficult at the best of time but mental conditions and allergies sure don't help.

I think his therapist has made an important point by saying that "time is not of the essence". Your son's well being is the priority. If studies must be put on hold, it is not the end of the world. My daughter had to quit year 11 due to not coping (she has acquired brain injury). She focused on her physical/mental health for a couple of years. This was made easier by pruning studies related stress. She then resumed studying as a young adult...with the benefit of a clearer mind and more positive attitude.

The urge to fix things (and impatience which often goes with it) is a common human trait. Unfortunately there is no on/off switch where mental illness is concerned. Recovery is a process that cannot be fast forwarded. I hope that yourself, your son and his psychologist can put your heads together as a team to find the best way to handle this issue.

This situation is causing you extra stress so please take good care of yourself. You don't say whether you are undergoing counseling. If not, it may be the way to go to help you over this rough patch. Being a parent is no easy job. Caring for a teenager who is battling mental/emotional issues can easily lead to burn out. You need and deserve all the support you can get.

[geoff]

hello Aknitter, welcome to the site, but really sorry that your son has been suffering from depression and anxiety, and perhaps why he has 'certainly coped very well under the circumstances' could be that he has been pretending, which does actually happen to any of us coping with the similar problems.
It is concerning that you 'have a tendency to want to fix things, and want them fixed *now*', but I suppose that's no different to anyone else who has this illness, unfortunately it's not possible at this moment, it takes time, help with psychologist and medication prescribed by his doctor.
When I was heavily depressed both my two sons and my wife (ex) were given AD's, but as soon as my wife stopped taking them, so did our two sons, which did disappoint me, as they were coping much better when on them.
As he's in year 11, then all the pressure will be on him, to gain good results and may only make his condition worse, so I wonder whether you can stop him from going to school so he can take on an apprenceship in a trade which he maybe interested in doing.
This could then improve his knowledge without having to go to school and suffer from brain fog, although he will still need to go to tafe while he's doing this apprenceship, but if it's something he really likes, then it won't seem to be such a pain. Geoff.

[Croix]

Dear Aknitter~

I'm replying here to your most recent post at:

Supporting my teenage son with depression - confused by psychiatrist's advice

in which you were uncertain about your son's psychiatrist's advice:-

that my role as parent is not to make or even really to direct his
decision, but to get him thinking about what he needs to 'find out' or
what he 'needs to know' so that he can make this decision himself

concerning switching to a TAFE course having missed so much of year 11 due to depression, anxiety and an auditory processing disorder.

(If I've missed something please sing out)

I can well understand your concern as it is a very big decision, no matter who makes it, and you very much want the best for your son, who is 17 and is only on his 3rd week of medication.

I think from what you said in your post you have already discerned the psychiatrist's thinking, that he wants your son to have ownership of the idea.

Well, as a university educator I saw an awful lot of 1st year students who had no ownership of the idea they should go to uni, invariably the idea of their parents, and as a result they disappeared quite quickly, or if they remained did not perform to their potential. - Come to think of it I was one myself many years ago.

I do not think that recommendation means you have to have a totally 'hands off' approach. While I'm sure it is most important that you son needs to feel it is up to him to decide that does not stop you from ensuring the facts are available for him to retrieve so that sense prevails. (Sometimes too the reason for doing things can be more obscure, activities of friends, units offered, available facilities and so on.)

This of course means restraint and walking a fine line between giving no encouragement and 'steering'.

You son, following the events in year 11, may be in a situation where he doe not have great confidence in himself, and as a result be reluctant to come to any conclusion. Perhaps a concerted effort to bolster his confidence relying upon his input in a larger number of less important decisions now will help him with the more important ones later.

I'd be very glad if you came back and talked more.

Croix

[Elizabeth CP]

I agree with Croix that it is essential for your son to feel he has made the decisions in his life. I saw my role as helping them/encouraging my children to find out what they want to do. I had one son who was struggling at school so I took him to the TAFE open day to look at courses that he might be interested in. I made it clear that it was up to him which if any he wanted to do. He found one course that interested him & chose to leave school to pursue it. This eventually led to him completing an apprenticeship. My other children went to university but when they applied I actually left the house while they completed their application after telling them I wanted them to feel free to apply for what they wanted without feeling pressure to fit in with what they thought I wanted. It is good to show your son you are happy to listen or act as a sounding board, to provide transport to TAFE etc so he can see for himself what is available.

Good luck with it

[geoff]

hello Aknitter, in regard to your other post which Croix has raised about what your son's psychiatrist has said, is that at some time your son will need to make decisions by himself, suggestions can be made to encourage him, but if he agrees with what you always have to say, then you should take a step backwards.
He needs to understand that his psychiatrist is giving him the right advice, because if he can't decide what he wants to do now or in the future then the world ahead is going to be very difficult for him.
If he mentions something he wants to do then you can provide the pro's and con's from your own experience, but it needs to be made by himself, that's the only way he will learn to have confidence and high self-esteem.
That's the only way most of us have got on in life, and I'm excluding having a MI when I say this. Geoff.

[Aknitter]

Thank you Croix for responding (and re-directing my post into a more appropriate thread). I appreciate your suggestions. I will be looking out for non-threatening situations in which he can exercise his decision-making muscles to help him grow in confidence.

Thanks to yours and the helpful responses from Elizabeth CP and geoff, I'm starting to grasp what it will mean to my son for him to have ownership of his decision. I'm trying to re-frame my ideas of parental guidance, and it is challenging, but will be worth it. Thanks very much for your help!