Need help

[Mell-T]

My partner is an alcoholic, he has no cut off when he drinks. He is always looking for specials and finds things to do outside to drink. We don't have many friends as he becomes really silly when drinking, he thinks he is funny but honestly it's embarrassing. We went to a party not long ago and he was found in a ditch in the yard with his pants down and had to be helped back to the party. Recently our children have started having friends over for sleep overs, I have asked him not to drink when my children have friends here. He passes out in the toilet standing at the bench, kneeling on the floor or outside. I don't want my children to experience this at anytime, let alone when they have friends over. Anything I say to him follows a reply of sure or whatever and he just ignores anything I say and drinks. I'm at my wits end and don't know what more I can do to try and get him to get help. I have offered to go to the doctor with him and support him through this to get help. He just ignores me and continues to drink. His children have asked him to stop and he ignores them too. He was horrible to not only my child but rude to the friend who was over too. I told him it was unacceptable and he needed to apologise, how would he feel if that was his child. He apologised but told the child to make sure they told me and his child that he apologised. This is not ok and I really don't know what to do anymore, he changed jobs which was a good thing and I thought that would help, but nothing has changed. He is on antidepressants and other medications and drinks 2-3 cartons of beer a week, plus sometimes other drinks as well. I don't know how to get him to see how this is affecting his family and for him to understand he needs help and him to get help. I can't keep living this way and don't want my children to grow up thinking this is normal and ok!!

[geoff]

Hello Mell-T, having a partner who continually needs to drink can create more problems than you ever expected, I'm sorry to say.

The only way he can stop if that's what he decides to do, otherwise, there will be broken promises and reassurances that are never met, and if he drinks that amount of beer, you can never be sure what else he drinks behind your back.

There are many ways for him to get the help he needs, the trouble is, that that's exactly what he doesn't want, because to him, he's not doing anything wrong, if only he could see the pain not only from your eyes, but also the kids, which he is oblivious to.

I know a doctor can help him if that's what he wants to do, by specific medication, however, it seems as though that's not his idea.

Sometimes asking a person to move out may slowly begin to change their mind, but it's not as quickly as you would want, however, it gets him away from those people he's hurting and after a while he realises what he's missing out on.

Rehab may or may not necessarily work, although it will while he's in there, but it could change once he comes out, but something to think about, although he has to agree and this could be the problem.

If you ask him to move out, then he will be missing what you hope he will and decide another option, and I've known people who were alcoholics suddenly decide they don't want to drink any more, perhaps a long shot, but please get back to me and sk any question you like.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Petal22]

Hi Mell T,

Im sorry that you are having to watch your loved one go through this ….Im really sorry.

It can be so hard to watch a loved one go through an addiction it really is.

We can try to tell them about their behaviour and how it’s affecting the people around them and they just look at us as if to say what are you talking about… this is because they simply don’t remember what they did while under the influence.

An addiction of any kind is a horrible thing and we can only hope and pray that the person who has the addiction can become conscious of their behaviour and then try to turn it around for the better.

But it’s the person who has the addiction that is the only one who can make the decision to intervene with their addiction and realise they have a problem.

When your loved one does realise he has a problem he will need love and support to help him to recover.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Mell-T,
 
Thank you for having the strength to share your experiences and concerns. Unfortunately, as fellow community members expressed, it is impossible to force someone to take that first step. It sounds as if you are doing everything you can to encourage your husband to take that step, we have provided a link below to a service that may be able to offer more specific advice on assisting a family member with alcohol related problems.
 
The National Alcohol and Other Drug Hotline can be contacted 24/7 by calling 1800250015, where you will automatically be connected to the Alcohol and Drug Information Service that operates in your state or territory. Reach out for advice on how to support a family member dealing with alcohol misuse, find more information via Dept of Health link- NAAODH.
 
Please remember if you feel you need to talk through how you are feeling or honestly do just need a chat, please contact Beyond Blue either via phone  1300 22 4636 or through Beyond Blue Online Chat.
 
Thank you for trusting our supportive community and sharing your experiences, we hope you find the shared insights and advice of our members helpful.
 
Warm regards
Sophie M

[ecomama]

Dear Mell_T, welcome to the forums. 

Of course you don't want your children to see this, experience abuse, nor think these kinds of behaviours are okay. 

You and I both know that that's exactly how they'll grow up thinking. 
This person is modelling behaviours to the children. 

There's no simple answer to helping an addict / alcoholic. None. If there was a simple answer or a one size fits all approach then we wouldn't have addicts in the world any more. 
Each of these people MUST come to the decision to quit themselves. 

For some people, it literally is their reason for living. 
Makes no sense to others but it can be THAT hard to go sober. 

I ended a marriage because of alcoholism and never ending empty promises. I had joined Al Anon and found this group, for me, a very enabling group to keep the alcoholic drinking and put up with it. I persisted with it for almost 2y but to no help for us. 
AA can be very supportive for the substance abuser from what I've heard, though. 

Whilst separated H STILL made these promises and the very next day had a terrible accident whilst high level DUI, with serious injuries to the passenger. He lost his license for 5y and was lucky to avoid jail time. 

This was AFTER we left him. 
I was done, by then I'd bought my first house and didn't have to put up with that all any more. 

He remarried and continued the same path. Lots of damage to his next family (not us, we escaped). 
Now he's virtually an invalid. Still drinking. 
ALL this and I was supposedly the love of his life... 

So what I'm trying to say is that nothing can stop a person if they choose to keep living this way. 
They're in denial when they think they're funny, abusive or passing out any where, in front of family, in front of friends, nothing seems to matter. 

Wishing you the best
Love EM