Just a vent

eljaycee · ‎24-09-2017

Hi all 🙂

I was here a few years ago and just felt the need to come back for some friendly ears, not necessarily any problem solving but just to be around some understanding people.

My boyfriend of 5 years has complex PTSD. When his stress his out of control and his irritability is high, he shuts down communication and doesn't contact me. We don't live together, so I rely on his communication to know how he's doing, what he's up to, etc. When I don't hear from him I feel completely cut off. This takes a lot of self-talk on my part to not feel ignored and sorry for myself. I don't always succeed and can often be miserable during his shut down times.

When he's feeling good, he's amazing. We talk for hours. We spend time together and just laugh constantly. The trouble is, when he has his quiet times I miss him like crazy and just want to hear from him.

I am overly emotional, an over-thinker, I stress a lot and have anxiety. I wish I was a cooler person, cared less and had a higher self-esteem but I'm not. I think I'm compassionate and caring and as understanding as possible. I wish I could rise above my own feelings. This is why it helps a bit to write here rather than inundate him with messages that sound sooky and could isolate him further.

Anyway, thanks for the vent session, I feel a bit better already 🙂

Starwolf · ‎24-09-2017

Hi Eljaycee, welcome back.

Well done for using these forums as coping strategy. They exist to give silent suffering a voice. So by all means, come chat with us whenever the going gets tough. There will always be someone to listen, understand where you're at and offer cyber company. Navigating the Social Zone section may also help. No need to discuss mental/emotional problems there...any subject will do. We would like to know you a little better.

Isolation from loved ones is never a good feeling, particularly when anxiety and self-esteem issues are at play. And you are right, insistence from you would only serve to push your bf further away as isolation during lows is a need more than a choice.

It is good to know that you both share a strong bond. He is lucky to have your compassion and understanding. Unfortunately, when good times end, it is felt acutely.

Please feel free to post as much and as often as you wish. You will be heard and your contribution always appreciated.

eljaycee · ‎24-09-2017

Dear Starwolf, you have no idea how much I needed to hear your kindness. Thank you 🙂

KLG · ‎24-09-2017

bam! exactly how i am currently feeling - my partner has bipolar, we dont live together either, and at the moment i am feeling pretty much in the same boat as you - wonder if its something in the air atm? i am trying to keep myself occupied doing other things, but am feeling quite overwhelmed with a sense of loneliness and the poor me's just now - he is normally quite demanding of my time, attention and energy, so when it flips to the opposite i struggle - i am trying to pace myself and just sit with the quiet (for a change).

eljaycee · ‎24-09-2017

I have felt so completely alone so to hear someone going thru the same thing is amazing. Everywhere I look I see happy couples and loved up people. I had to disable Facebook because of people's happy lives. Sounds awful I know, but I get so jealous.

Big hugs to you for the poor me's. I know exactly how you feel x

eljaycee · ‎24-09-2017

I heard from him. He starts a new job tomorrow so I sent thru a good luck which he replied to. He doesn't know how he's going to get on, said he feels like he's hit rock bottom this time.

I'm so relieved to hear from him but so worried too. I replied and said I'm here if he needs anything anytime, but that's all I can do. I feel so helpless and useless. Guilty too for thinking of myself while he's been in such a bad way.

Starwolf · ‎25-09-2017

Being helpless is a horrible feeling. But why add "useless" to the equation ? You are doing all you can by just being there and letting him know this.

This situation has its own imitations. Please do not blame yourself for them.

Your mental/emotional well being is as important as his. Acknowledging the way you feel is normal, even healthy. No reason why guilt should come into it.

I hope your bf settles well into his new job and that some self-confidence will be restored. Feeling anxious about this important transition may have triggered the latest low.

I was sole carer many years for a daughter with acquired brain injury. No ups and downs, just a constant refusal to engage, rejection year in, year out. So I have some idea where you are at and what it feels like. My heart goes out to you.

eljaycee · ‎25-09-2017

Thank you Starwolf. So sorry to hear about your daughter. That must have been very emotionally exhausting for you.

The useless is mainly because I'm so detached from him at the moment. I would love to be able to 'look after' him - make sure he's eating and stuff like that, but he won't let me. He's always said he refuses to impact on me like that.

I have four kids from another relationship and he says they are my priority, not him. I appreciate that about him. I would never put him before them, he knows that, but I would like to at least do something for him - even if it's just making sure he has clean clothes.

But I respect him and his boundaries too much to force myself on to him, plus I know he'd do a disappearing act if I tried that. He left me 5 years ago after we'd been together about a month because he said he was toxic, but after a stint in a mental health facility he decided to get in touch again and we've been together ever since.

I am calmer today after hearing from him, even if it wasn't great news, at least he's still around and trying to cope.

I appreciate your replies 🙂