How to explain the need for personal space

[Mish_A_Wish]

Hi,

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year. I believe that he is suffering from depression. It has been very hard supporting him for so long when he doesn't seem willing to help himself, but I am reading more about depression now and learning what it is like for him and the support that I can offer.

What I am finding difficult is taking care of my own welfare. My boyfriend is very clingy and needs me to say how much I love him all of the time. But whenever I have a weekend if I say I need a day at home to "do my own things" I get severely cross examined on why I don't want to spend the time with him. He really doesn't seem to understand that sometimes I need my own space. I really need some downtime to give myself space from his misery which feels suffocating sometimes. But I can't ever ask for this without him questioning if I love him or asking for justification of why I don't want to be with him. If I tell him w reason e.g. That I want to read my book he teases "you love your book more than me!" It is said in a teasing way but it is clear that he is offended. Aside from waiting for it to get so bad that I have to break up with him for my own welfare, I don't know how to gently explain what I need. If I say that I need time away from him to relax or to protect my own welfare, I know that he will feel really guilty and miserable for making me feel down. If I ask him to accept when I say that I need time and not ask questions, this feels like dumping him and blocking him off from support. Please help with suggestions!

Mish

[Starwolf]

Hello Mish_A_Wish, welcome to the forums.

Caring for someone with a mental illness can easily cause inner resources to take a nose dive. Burn out can easily set in. Your boyfriend is lucky to have you though he may not realize to what extent. He must also understand that you need to keep looking after your own needs to continue to look after his. It is true that mental conditions can make people insecure and clingy but it is no excuse for refusing to acknowledge that a partner's well being does matter.

Your requests for time out are legitimate, nothing to do with dumping or not supporting him. Much the opposite, it would help you both.

Trying to make someone who refuses to know understand is draining in itself. There's a few things you can do to help you with this frustrating issue :

I suggest you scroll down to the bottom of this page and check the Supporting someone section. It also includes useful info in 'Looking after yourself'.

There's an interesting, relevant recent thread called "Tolerant partners" by Whiteknight in the Staying well section of the forums. You will find tips and support in the 'Supporting Family and Friends with a mental health condition' section.

Also check Carers Australia : 1800 242 636 or copy this link into your browser : https://www.carersaustralia.com.au/

Please take care of yourself, you very much deserve to. Carers are the salt of the earth.

Good to have you on board.

[geoff]

hello Mish, this is a situation where you need time to be alone, you can't keep on doing or saying everything he wants you to say, because what it is doing is closing you in, where you aren't able to have any spare time, so what happens is excactly what's happening now.
You could tell him a hundred times that you love him, would that satisfy him, no it wouldn't, and whatever you do with him will not cure his curiosity or his jealousy.
Imagine if you started talking to another guy, he would go right off and belittle you, that's not how a r/ship should be like.
It seems as though he is in denial and doesn't realise that he needs professional help, which he should be told and not necessarily by yourself but aomeone else, but I don't think he would respond favourably, but for you to get your own life back without his dependence on you, it's a matter of him seeing his doctor and not just once and then a psychologist and say that you're moving out and want time for yourself, but tell him that you still love him (whether you do or not ).
Your health is very important and do need to have a break without him clinging onto you, so you can decide and make your decision without him saying 'do you love your books more than me', rather a childish comment, sorry. Geoff. x