How do I support my partner

Elise94 · ‎13-08-2016

My boyfriend, 22 and I, 21 have been going out for over a year now.In March last year, before we met, he lost his 18 year old brother who was on life support in the Alfred for about a week. He hasn't really spoken to me about him much and that's ok, I understand that he may not want to bring it up.

In January we set on off on this big trip and came back in June. It was the best thing I ever did and I know that it helped Jack soo much, I saw how much it changed him and helped him let go a little bit. But not long after we got back things sort of went down hill. He did a new job, a new car and he seemed happy for a little bit.

He isn't really himself anymore though he's always snappy/grumpy, appears anxious over small things like phoning somebody up, and has lost interest in things that he used to really enjoy, like football, basketball, music, even sex. At times can be either extremely clingy or extremely distant - doesn't want to talk, says he needs space, spends the entire weekend on his own, doesn't answer his phone/reply to messages.

I really want to help but when he doesn't open up it makes things so much harder. I just want back the happy Jack I fell in love with, I hate seeing him this upset all of the time, it's really heart breaking.

He needs help but I don't know where to start.

He hasn't told me himself but I know that he was seeking some help online from Eheadspace but I don't know what's happened with that and he thinks I don't know.

i just want to know where to go from here, how can I support him to get some more help and how can I support him in his everyday life when things are this bad for him?

Br1sbaneg1rl · ‎13-08-2016

Hi Elise,

I am only new to the forum as well supporting my partner through depression so I can't offer you any advice other than to suggest reading the resources available to us all on the website, educating myself has helped me at least slightly this past week.

I'm sorry I can't offer you much advice at this stage, however, you have my support wholeheartedly.

Another of our lovely members will reply soon enough.

Please look after yourself x

Elise94 · ‎13-08-2016

Thanks @Br1sbaneg1rl

good luck to you too

geoff · ‎14-08-2016

hello Elise, I'm so sorry for the loss of his brother and that your b/friend is struggling, which will cause you to be feel upset, but what you need to do is to realise that he is going to be and down and for you to expect that this is going to happen and to feel comfortable in yourself to expect this, even though the love for him only means you dearly want to help him, however each day he will be different, from feeling really low to the next day only just coping.
You may not know what he needs and he may not want to tell you, but when he needs space then that's what you have to do, whereas if he wants to talk about it then just let he say what he needs, but don't ask him question after question because if you do then he will just close up that's why he doesn't answer the phone.
People are only concerned and want to know how he is feeling, but he doesn't want to tell them, again it's because of their questions and their offer to come over and help which I'm sure he doesn't want at the moment and may not for a long time.
I'm pleased that he is talking to Headspace, but perhaps you could try and get him to go to his doctor and offer to take him, but you to remember that when he feels this way he needs someone who is able to cope with his fluctuation, in other words you yourself may need some counselling as well.
I hope that we can hear back from you. Geoff. x

Carmela · ‎14-08-2016

Hi Elise, it is wonderful that you are reaching out for advice to support your boyfriend.

My husband lost his brother under quite tragic circumstances some years ago, and that spiralled him into a deep depression. I felt l had lost him for several years as he withdrew from family and friends. The grief was immense and like your boyfriend, he didn't speak about it even though l had made several attempts to do so.

We all have our way of grieving. It takes time and patience to support someone who is grieving. The fact that your boyfriend has contacted eheadspace, I feel he is acknowledging that there is a problem and is struggling with his emotions.

The best thing you can do right now is to let him know you are there and love him. Education yourself about depression and the grieving process and encourage him gently to visit his GP. These are all the steps l took to help my husband. These three steps gave me the best base to support him as well as myself.

I hope l have helped and please contact us again.

Carmela

Elise94 · ‎14-08-2016

Thanks everyone.

It is so hard because obviously I can't force him, he is an adult and the choice to get help is his but I hate seeing him this way, and it is putting a strain on our relationship. He can quite awful when he is in one of his bad moods, I know he doesn't mean what he says and he often apologises after he calms down but it can still hurt. I know that seems really petty and unimportant though.

Person_1 · ‎27-08-2016

Hi

i am new to this forum and I am here seeking advice on how to cope with a partner who has depression. I've been reading the threads Elsie and I don't think it's petty to be hurt or to feel hurt although I totally understand because I am finding it hard to allow myself to feel angry and abandoned by my partner when he withdraws because how can my suffering compare to the bleakness of depression? In reading these and other threads I can see that as lovers of a depressed person we need to be able to accept their feelings and have enough self worth not to 'take it personally'. But I do. And so I feel selfish. Where does one draw the line. How can I keep my self together (and get enjoyment from life) without causing my partner to feel abandoned or add to his depression? What if I am not strong enough to do this? Anyway those are slightly rhetorical questions I guess. Thanks for sharing Elsie.

romantic_thi3f · ‎27-08-2016

Hi Elise94,

There's been such great advice already but I just want to let you know that we are here to support you. It is such a hard situation to be in; I completely understand that you just want him to be happy but him losing his brother is only very new so I imagine he would still be very heartbroken over it.

What sorts of things does he say to you? Nothing is petty here. Grief is hard on everybody and there's often no right or wrong answer as to how to deal with it. It's great if he's able to communicate with eheadspace though as it does sound like maybe some support will be helpful.

romantic_thi3f · ‎27-08-2016

Hi Person 1,

I just wanted to say welcome to the forums and thanks for commenting on Elise's post.

It's true that when our partners are depressed that we shouldn't take it personally, but I think that's an impossible statement. We care about them, and that's only natural - so why wouldn't we take it personally? Both my partner and I have been depressed at times so I know what it's like from both sides. It's okay to feel angry and abandoned. You have every right to feel that. Just because you may not be depressed doesn't mean that you don't have the right to feel the way that you do.

As for keeping yourself together - well that's why you're here. So that we can remind you that you're not alone in what you're going through and that self-care is really key. Knowing that what you feel matters and that you are your priority number one.

Also if you want to chat more feel free to start your own thread 🙂 Hope this helps a little