Helping someone with depression

[johnt88]

Hi Everyone. This is my first time posting on these forums.
I'm lucky enough to not suffer from depression or anxiety much. However, my wife suffers from both. She takes medication etc but there are times I feel powerless to help her, as I am not experienced in those feelings/ thoughts and I have, on occasion, become frustrated, which worsens the situation.
She's the best person and deserves the best. We are happily married and our relationship with each other is fantastic. However, there are things that get her down that I wish I could help with. She used to be a bit overweight and despite losing over 60kgs, she still feels unattractive and has low self- esteem (I am extremely attracted to her btw) and I make a conscious effort tom tell her how beautiful/ sexy she is and I mean it, but she either doesn't believe it or can't believe it (again, showing my ignorance to mental health).
We have both been having fertility issues over the past 3 or so years, which has been very hard on both of us, but with her pre- existing mental health conditions, it has been harder on her. We are still confident that we will fall pregnant shortly, but I find it a lot easier to be optimistic about a lot of things than she does.
We have not had sex this year that I can remember and she assures me that this is not because of me, but that it is to do with her not feeling attractive and not wanting/ deserving sex. To be clear, I would trade ever having sex again for my wife's happiness and health in a heartbeat, but this situation has made me feel slightly unattractive/ unloved even though I do know she loves me. Are these feelings warranted?
There are other issues that have impacted my wife's mental health, such as being sexually abused as a teenager.
She has also confessed that she recently contemplated not being here and that I would be better off without her, which scared me so much as I love her so much and I need her here.
Basically, I want to know how I can help and what to do when she has severe depression and anxiety.
A side note is that with the fertility issues and my own issues with losing multiple jobs due to redundancy/ unemployment, I have occasionally felt useless and I have started to become more stressed/ depressed/ anxious than normal. However, I feel that I can't bring this up with my wife as whenever I do, she blames herself for things, even though it's not her fault, which then makes her depression worse, so I mainly stay silent.
Thanks so much for any advice

[blondguy]

Hello Johnt88

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums and for having the kind heart to post with us too!

I understand what you are going through being (trying to be) a carer for someone that has these awful health issues. There is only so much you can do as the recovery lies with with your wife and her determination to heal

May I ask how often your wife attends counseling (therapy...even a GP visit?) After many years of anxiety followed by depression I found some serious peace when I started having fortnightly/weekly therapy. It was difficult to start with yet after a couple of months I felt like a new person as the super frequent counseling brought the light at the end of the tunnel closer to me 🙂

Just my opinion if thats okay....Having infrequent therapy is okay yet only partially effective

I was also made redundant and then joined the forums after my depression was very dark three years ago

My sincere apologies for the late reply to your post John.....we are usually pretty quick in getting back to people

The forums are a safe and non judgemental place where you (or your wife) can post.

I do hope you can post back when its convenient for you John

my kind thoughts

Paul

[johnt88]

Hi Paul.

Thank you so much for your response. I am sorry to hear about your battles but glad to hear you are doing better now 🙂

My wife is currently seeing a psychologist, as she gets a few free sessions through her job and I am happy for her to continue seeing him even when we need to pay. However, I will need to convince her as we are getting back on our feet financially after I was out of work, so money is another stresser at the moment.

[BeeMac83]

Hi johnt88,

I'm not sure I have much in the way of advice, but I read your post because I'm on the other end of your situation -in my relationship I'm the wife with the depression and anxiety - and what you have described is pretty spot on with what things are like between my husband and me, just that we have children. The feelings of unattractiveness and thinking my husband would be better off without me all resonate, along with many other things you mentioned.

I can only speak for myself, but when my husband says affectionate and reassuring things I can't take them in properly and even though I can't, if he didn't say them I would be a lot worse than I am. The daily hugs and comments of 'I love you' and 'hey beautiful'...all those little things, are actually important. Even though you might feel like that are not being well-received, they do manage to penetrate the surface. One of the problems with depression is the apathy that goes with it. I can imagine it's tiring and frustrating to be wanting someone to see what you see in them.

In my situation, I feel like my depression is ruining everything and it's hard when you already feel bad about yourself, let alone when you know you are putting someone you care deeply about in a situation where they are pulled into it. It's a sign she cares about you and wants the best for you, and a sign she's fearful she's not good enough to ensure you get the best.

Hugs, head rubs, listening and limiting talking/advice giving and reassurance that is not too extreme is what I find best. I wish I knew what to offer in terms of how to look after you, except to say that it's important you keep doing the things that make you happy as well. If you start to give up the things that make you who you are, and give up things like seeing your friends, playing sport, whatever it may be, it may cause more guilt. Keep doing what brings you joy and encourage her to do the same - sometimes being helped to see that your partner can still have happiness and that you're not ruining their life is a powerful thing.

I'd be really interested to hear what sorts of strategies you use and the feelings you are experiencing because I'd like to be help my own relationship more by gaining a better understanding of what it's like from the other person's point of view.

[johnt88]

Hi BeeMac83.

Thanks so much for your reply. It was really helpful to read your thoughts coming from the other side also.

It's good to know I am doing a lot of things right and I will keep trying as I love my wife and I just want the best for her and I want her to be happy.

I will have a think about the strategies I use and will keep you in the loop, so that you can suggest them also.

Thanks again 🙂

[Pinkknitter]

Hi John,

I too am the wife who struggles with anxiety, depression and fertility issues. The easiest feeling to compare it to is grief. However, after 15 years I finally have the right combo of medication and therapy. Even though you may not feel like you're making a difference you definitely are. She just isn't capable of expressing that just now.

In saying that - make sure you care for yourself too. You don't want to become a doormat either.

Here are a couple of suggestions for ways to help her - go for a walk together on a regular basis. Just 10 mins can make a difference. Have a good belly laugh together - a funny movie or cat videos work for me. Even if you start watching and then invite her to join in. Get her to check her iron levels. Make a daily fruit and vegie juice for you both - it can be really easy to skip meals when your unwell.

All the best to you both!

[johnt88]

Thanks so much for that Pinkknitter. I don't know how to bring things up with her without upsetting her more so it's good to get some answers of people in similar situations and it seems I'm doing a few things right.

Thanks again