Helping depressed son

[Annie5]

As I have read so many posts on this topic I realise that I am facing the same dilemma as many other parents of depressed teenagers. Sadly I don't take any comfort in this as there is no quick fix or one solution to the problem.

My 19yo son has depression- ongoing for about 2 years and is now worse than ever. He has previously tried counselling which was unsuccessful (at least 10 sessions) and has tried medication on several occasions but won't stick with it long enough to see if there is any improvement. He will not return to his doctor for follow-up or agree to persevere with medication and as an 'adult' I can't force him. He quit his job a few months ago, no longer has any contact with friends either in person or on social media, stopped driving his car and has his phone switched off. He spends most of his time in his room and all efforts to get him to engage in any activities with the rest of the family are unsuccessful. I have had many discussions with him in the last few months about ways to improve his mental health but I have stopped pleading with him to see doc or continue with meds and for the last 2 weeks have kept discussions light and have not mentioned anything about his mental health. I have sought phone and in-person counselling because my son won't talk to anyone but on every occasion, their focus has been on my mental health and I feel I am getting nowhere with support or strategies to help my son. It is emotionally draining to see someone you love like this every day and be unable to help. I have read everything I can on helping someone who refuses help and I'm now left wondering do I sit back and do nothing? He is not a talker and won't open up to anyone. Any suggestion of involving a friend or another family member to talk with him would be refused. I feel that I have exhausted all options to get through to him and worry that nothing is going to change. Feeling drained but still searching for answers.....

[Guest_1643]

Hi Annie,

I relate a it to Ur son as I struggled in that way at that age.

I felt a lot of pressure to "fix" myself, and figure out my life at judt 18. I thought I had to know exactly which career and life I wanted..,..and it was too much for me. I relate to feeling empty and directionless.

I've read a few memoirs on ppl who in different ways, struggled in their youth with mental illness.

A few that come to mind are Rosie Waterland Not That Kind of Girl, Roxane Gay Hunger , Kate Holden In My Skin....

I think it's worthwhile to note that whatever pain u experience observing his struggle, the pain and fear he feels is tenfold. He is vulnerable and hurting.

I think short term fixes of trying to shake him out of his depression would not work anyway. The goal should be to gi e him space and, some trust, he is not his depression, and this may well be a temporary phase I his life. Catostrophising will only make it worse. A lot of ppl go through a period of blackness and pain in their lives and come through. For whatever reason, he may need to express his pain now, but it will not be forever.

[Petal22]

Hi Annie5,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im so sorry that yourself and your son are going through this I understand it would be so hard to watch someone you love go through this.

My only advice is to keep supporting him as I know you do………. Keep telling him you love him and your always there for him unconditionally.

Maybe just do little things together like going for a walk or sitting outside together talking reminding him that he’s important and loved………

Always remain open to him so he knows when he’s ready to accept help your there to help him anytime……

You can only encourage him to seek professional help or even give him the beyondblue phone number for him to call when he feels he’s ready to speak to a trained councillor….

1300 22 4636

Hopefully in the near future he will awaken from what he’s currently going through and find a way forward on his journey of life…..

❤️🙏

[Red73]

Hi Annie5. I'm new her too. I am in a very similar situation to you. My 23 year old son is severely depressed. Like your son he does not talk to any friends or anyone. He wont even talk to me. He has an apprenticeship he was doing but quit due to his depression. He now has a casual night job but is extremely unhappy in it. like your son he is awake all night and sleeps all day. Rarely comes out of his room. I do not want to wake him through the day due to lack of sleep. he doesn't have a great relationship with his dad and his older siblings probably just don't understand. its so hard when they wont talk. he came good a few days ago, went to the movies with his little brother...cleaned his room and now he is not so great. I am actually sitting in my lounge room (1am) now waiting for him to come home as he just left. I'm worried. he will never tell me where he is going. sending you a hug as i know how scary this is and how it feels.

[Ramblify]

Hi Annie, have you thought about approaching it by saying to your son that he is now 19 and an adult, and there are responsiblities that come with being an adult - like working, studying contributing financially to household living expenses. AND also his own mental health! Explain you are no longer allowed to help him the way you would and could if he was under 18. Encourage him to seek help from a mental health hospital if he thinks he cant get out of his bedroom. Tell him you dont have the financial resources , or professional training (Phycologist/phsychatrist), to support him for the rest of his life - his mental health is not likely to change until he takes some responsibility for it. If the treatment/s he has received haven't helped - keep trying, he may be depressed but there could be a lot more going on inside that he wont face and until he's willing to he will stay friendless, jobless and helpless.

[Annie5]

Thankyou.....and I'm sorry you're in the same boat! I think we have an epidemic of unhappy young people and that is only based on the reported numbers. So many more left untreated and doing it tough. Like you, I'm the one awake at all hours, waiting for kids to come home while everyone else has a good night's sleep! Hugs to you too and keep waiting for brighter days ahead. 🙂