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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Taylah96 My (very recent) depressed ex wants me to live with her as friends
  • replies: 6

A few days ago my ex really spiralled with her mental health, and started shutting everyone out, including me. This happened after an argument, and it felt like she hated me. I finally got a hold of her the next day (we bought a house together and I ... View more

A few days ago my ex really spiralled with her mental health, and started shutting everyone out, including me. This happened after an argument, and it felt like she hated me. I finally got a hold of her the next day (we bought a house together and I stayed at my parents house), and she told me to come back to the house to meet her. I did, and she told me she can't do a relationship right now, that the depression is taking up all her energy and she isn't capable of supporting someone else's needs. She said it wasn't my fault and that maybe in the future we can get back together. Obviously this hurt a lot, but I love her unconditionally and gave her the space she needed. Fast forward to the next day, my mum calls me and says that my ex would like me to live with her as friends, and that she doesn't want to leave the house. This is where I'm torn, I'd do anything to get her back, but knowing that this may be a cry for help and the fact that there is a chance I could help her get through this, even if it means putting her feelings first, makes me want to do it. I think I'll regret it if I don't try. Any feedback or opinions would be greatly appreciated

ANGIEAdelaide Daughter self harmed, could she be copying her friends behaviours?
  • replies: 2

Hi my 11 year has had a difficult year so far, she is in year 6, most of her friends are 12 to13 in class due to the cut off in age in May. they all start year 7 next year and moving schools. I am divorced but her father and I get on reasonaby well, ... View more

Hi my 11 year has had a difficult year so far, she is in year 6, most of her friends are 12 to13 in class due to the cut off in age in May. they all start year 7 next year and moving schools. I am divorced but her father and I get on reasonaby well, my mum lives with my daughter and I. I don't have any orther chidren or a partner. My ex- is a good father when he is sober, he has struggled with addiction and mental health his whole life, but to his credit he is always trying to get better. Until this year my daughter was not really aware of his illnesses, but as you would know the older they get its harder to hide. We both had very age appropiate conversations about his struggles after my ex-had a lapse this year and crashed the car with her, luckily nothing happened. My ex is getting help and doing well managing his recovery. I work in mental health and addiction too, but of course when dealing with this issues in your own home is always hard. Last year and this year my daughter got closer to a new group of friends, one of them had a gender change (from girl to boy) and struggles with a lot of family issues, self harming significantly and also childhood trauma, sexual abuse. My daughter shared this with me and I became very concerned as she seemed to feel the need to help her friend who she said cared for very much. I asked her to always tell me if she became concerned about her friend and to also be careful and not get to involved, I explained that children her age should not have to deal with such heavy topics and that her friend was getting help from Social work services and her parents. Over the past 4 months she seemed to get even closer and borderline obsessed with helping and being friends with this child, I made attempts to talk to her as I was noticing she was becoming withdrawn, sad and anxious, I let her know I was here and explained that she needed to put some emotional distance from her friend as I could see it affecting her. I found notes in her room of dreams she was having about this child self harming and being suicidal. This week another friend at school had been doing some self harmed with razers and this was very ditressing to her and her other friend. I called the school and my daughter also spoke to the school counsellor. Yesterday I found she had also tried to cut herself on her hand and wrist.I told her teacher so he is aware and I've made an appt with a Psychologist, but appt is a few weeks away. Need some advice please

Jaybee1507 Supporting autistic child’s emotional needs
  • replies: 9

Hi everyone, I’m new here. I’m Jess, mama to one little boy with (undiagnosed) autism. We’ve started the assessment process but thanks to covid it’s been difficult to continue. Long post warning. My son is 4, and he’s having a hard time at daycare. A... View more

Hi everyone, I’m new here. I’m Jess, mama to one little boy with (undiagnosed) autism. We’ve started the assessment process but thanks to covid it’s been difficult to continue. Long post warning. My son is 4, and he’s having a hard time at daycare. And I’m just at a loss on how to help him. He’s been at daycare for 18 months or so, has always been great at drop off, and suddenly he’s distraught when he knows he has to go. He was sick and missed a few weeks and once he was well enough to go back, that’s when it all started. I think he just got comfortable being at home? But it’s been 5 or so weeks of this now and he’s just not improving. Once he settles in, he has a great day but the minute he wakes up and see’s my work uniform he’s upset. He cries the whole morning, cries on the drive there, and I often have to carry him in while he fights and screams that he wants to go home. I don’t know what to do anymore. He’s verbal, but doesn’t communicate super well. When I ask why he doesn’t want to go, he just says ‘I don’t know’ or ‘I stay at mummy’s house’. I’ve questioned the educators, wondering if he’s had an incident with another child. Wondering if maybe he was scared of someone? But there’s been nothing. I can’t handle the upset anymore, my anxiety is through the roof whenever I have to work, and I’m out of ideas. I try to stay calm and gentle with him and show positive reinforcement but nothing is working. His dad is also finding it difficult and has started to yell and tell him to stop it, which doesn’t help at all so now we’re starting to fight because of it. I just wish he could understand or explain to me why he doesn’t want to go. If you’ve read this far, thank you. I appreciate it. I just don’t know how to help him and I’m feeling so lost.

BluePoppy Helping my 73yo Dad with possible Diogenes Syndrome (Living in filth with a bit of hoarding)
  • replies: 6

Dad is 73 yo Viet Vet w depression, anxiety & chronic pain. He lives on his own in our rental property. We’ve noticed he makes excuses for us to not go over there, or get beyond the front door. He comes to our place for dinners (weekly/fortnightly). ... View more

Dad is 73 yo Viet Vet w depression, anxiety & chronic pain. He lives on his own in our rental property. We’ve noticed he makes excuses for us to not go over there, or get beyond the front door. He comes to our place for dinners (weekly/fortnightly). We knew he had clutter & was having trouble with housework, but we were oblivious to the real problems. He has refused to get a cleaner so assumed he was ok. A few days ago he had a leaky shower. Our plumber couldn’t get there, so hubby went to look at it. I went to measure a few things, because we’re planning on selling the place soon. We were completely shocked by the filth. The clutter we knew was there - not quite as bad as hoarders you see on tv, but bad enough. The floors were really filthy. The kitchen floor full of old food spills. The place full of mould & his bed sheets hadn’t been changed in years - there was mould & cobwebs on his pillows. I felt sick. We didn’t say much to Dad, I measured, my hubby fixed the taps & we headed off to our next stop, telling Dad we’d see him next weekend. I don’t know if Dad even realises just how bad his house is. Dad went into a bit of a panic when we told him a few weeks ago that we’d decided to sell, so we’ve since made a plan to build a cottage on our property for him. He’s been involved in the design of it & we’ve started the process with the builder. It is a much smaller place than he’s in right now & he agrees, he has a lot of stuff to sort through. But, he just wants to put it in storage for now to sort later. We would like to help him in any way we can. This cottage will be brand new, so we’re going to start off on the right foot with him & have our cleaner who comes weekly to clean his place for him. We’ll change/wash his bed sheets every weekend, so he doesn’t end up living in that filthy state again. He is such a proud man; I’m certain he’s embarrassed. Does anyone have any advice or stories to share that would be helpful in trying to help him & make the transition smooth, without literally freaking him out. We want to buy him a new fridge & bed, because his are literally covered in mould, but I want to handle it all delicately. I’ve been reading this isn’t as straight forward as moving him to a new place with new stuff. We can see now that this has been going on for a while, but because he’s always clean when we see him, we simply had no idea! I feel that it has all just been brought on by physical incapacity through chronic pain & depression & anxiety.

Floweringtree Concerned
  • replies: 2

My son lives with me he is a man of 37 has not been diagnosed with any label, he hides in his room, his room is messy.. he will even pee in bottles so he doesn't have to come out of room. He can't keep a job because he takes too many days off. And do... View more

My son lives with me he is a man of 37 has not been diagnosed with any label, he hides in his room, his room is messy.. he will even pee in bottles so he doesn't have to come out of room. He can't keep a job because he takes too many days off. And does not contact his work just doesn't turn up. He is thin hardly eats, he has no motivation has no vehicle because it has to go mechanics can't arrange that, he can't seem to do anything. I have tried to talk to him everything is turned around that I say he sees as an attack on him. It's very stressful I don't know what to do to help him. It's affecting me I don't know how to help him..

Ammee Bullying and Mental Health - Trigger warning for harm.
  • replies: 6

My daughter is Gifted with Autism. She also has Pathological Demand Avoidance. And now she is very mentally unwell. Generally - when balanced - she is a great kid, full of spunk, great sense of humour, a real extrovert and so many love her for her wo... View more

My daughter is Gifted with Autism. She also has Pathological Demand Avoidance. And now she is very mentally unwell. Generally - when balanced - she is a great kid, full of spunk, great sense of humour, a real extrovert and so many love her for her wonderful empathy and loyalty to her friends. But she has been suffering bullying now for many years. She is 12 years old and has been bullied almost continuously for being different since she was 7. She had her first mental breakdown at 7 years old - with psychotic episodes - violent ones that would sometimes go for up to two hours - and she often couldn't remember them afterward. She got help at the time through CAHMS and was put on medication - but it is what started the bullying at school because other kids saw that side of her. Unfortunately she couldn't live it down even when she was better. She lost a lot of friends, and a lot of popularity.. it was very lonely for her. After three years of intense bullying (in hindsight we should have left the school much earlier) we changed schools. But the damage was done. My daughter is now very reactive due to triggers - so any kid who teases her ends up with her reacting as if it is massive bullying. She doesn't cope with the smallest of things, and it has been slowly getting worse. Last week she attempted suicide for he first time and went to a depressed state that she has never had before - complete dissassociation. Now she is slowly transitioning back to school - but the problem is, despite all the best efforts from the teachers, and us (setting up a safety plan) - some of the antagonisers are still bullying her - they sneak in and say small things that make her feel even worse about herself. This is not helping her mental health, it is making things really hard for her. How can I stop these kids from being so cruel? She is 12 years old. I want them to stop - I can't work out how I can make them understand that their cruel words could lead to her badly harming herself.. I am so afraid of her. Before anyone suggests it, I am really spent, suffering a lot of mental health issues myself - so homeschooling is not something I can manage, neither is unschooling - I need respite desperately and that is the time I get it. I also need to work two days a week to keep our income up enough to keep going. The hospital has no room to take my daughter either, so there is nowhere but home and school for her at the moment. Any help, anyone can give, will be much appreciated.

bluerose73 My strength is slowly diminishing ...
  • replies: 13

I posted on here a few months ago and well I guess I just need to vent or some support or just be heard , I'm not sure. My husband of 4 years (been together 8 years) has mental health issues , he has been hospitalized before (early 2018) for a breakd... View more

I posted on here a few months ago and well I guess I just need to vent or some support or just be heard , I'm not sure. My husband of 4 years (been together 8 years) has mental health issues , he has been hospitalized before (early 2018) for a breakdown mostly induced from excessive use of marijuana and untreated childhood trauma. He has been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder but I also believe he has NPD. We have a 2.5 year old boy who is my absolute world. The first few years of our relationship was very tumultuous and toxic. I myself suffer from mental health issues and anytime things got bad I would self harm(in the past) or think of worse. I'm not that person anymore. I have grown a lot since then and have better knowledge/tools to deal with stress/issues etc. However, eventhough it has been years, my husband continues to bring up the past calling me a suicidal w**re or worse names. Says he is feeling that way now because of me and I somehow poisoned him to think that way. I know it's not possible but there's only so many times you can hear the same detrimental thing over and over again. The past 1.5 years he has started smoking weed again along with making bad decisions, and he has again started being verbally and emotionally abusive towards me to the point I need to block his messages daily as it's very distracting at work and I'm trying to set boundaries. He blames me for every single thing gone wrong in his life to the point of him putting on weight, losing friends, not speaking to family, smoking weed, gambling, being anger and having bad thoughts towards me. Calls me every single name under the sun. And either gives me silent treatment and ignores me or just goes off on a rant to try and break me. Because I don't like to retaliate and cuss , I either ignore/block him or I speak to him in a supportive manner and remind him we are his support but he constantly calls me the devil and snake and manipulative woman. I am slowly losing my patience and I'm just over it as now I have my child I don't have the time or energy to waste on his toxic behaviour and by protecting myself and ignoring him, makes me feel like I'm doing more harm towards him by not being the constant support I always was. We are 35 years old and I want a partner someone I can talk to, who helps without being asked , who is reliable and empathetic, and I am just so angry now because he is none of it. And constantly blames me! I don't have intentions of leaving but I'm so sad

Overthinkingpartner How do I support my depressed partner when he keeps pushing me away
  • replies: 3

Hi all, I would really appreciate some advice. My boyfriend and I have been together about 18 months now. He was up front and honest about his depression from the start. Throughout the relationship, I have seen glimpses of his struggles; he would oft... View more

Hi all, I would really appreciate some advice. My boyfriend and I have been together about 18 months now. He was up front and honest about his depression from the start. Throughout the relationship, I have seen glimpses of his struggles; he would often get down due to feeling as though he has a lack of career direction and the pressure of having 2 kids to 2 different (demanding) mothers. During those times, he has gone quiet for a few days but it never really affected our relationship. Around 4 weeks ago I began to notice he was started to isolate himself. Sex was lessening, he stopped texting me throughout the day, after dinner he would get straight on to his phone and watch netflix with headphones in until it was time to go to sleep. Obviously this concerned me greatly and I asked if he had had a change of heart about our relationship. He said no, but that he had a lot going on in his head at the moment and struggling to pinpoint the cause. He said he just needed to work through these struggles on his own. I struggle with this as I am an extremely affectionate person and love being intimate and love when he says he loves me. Now it's like pulling teeth trying to get anything remotely 'boyfriend-ish' out of him. I can see that my constant pestering wasn't helping and I've pulled back to give him his space. We are currently living with his parents while we renovate our new place - I offered to go stay up at the house on a mattress on the floor for a few days if he wanted me to, but he said no. I'm at a complete loss as to how I'm meant to act or what he wants from me. I love him so much but it feels so one sided at the moment. I've since done some research on depression and know it's common for one to isolate themselves and that I should lower my relationship expectations for the meantime. It such a struggle though, because the insecure side of me still wonders if this is just a lead up to him breaking it off. I'm in a constant state of anxiety and feel like I'm walking on egg shells. He's already on anti depressants and has been for years. I suggested that perhaps he should seek out therapy, and he just brushed it off. I think the hardest part of all this is not knowing when (or if) this depressive episode will end, and when the man I know and love will come back to me. Thanks in advance

vulgarwolf Help with supporting my female partner
  • replies: 2

My partner has a myriad of mental health illness...such as PTSD, anxiety, depression bi-polar and many others. Sometimes i struggle with communication as i am black and white, and she is multiple shades of grey...i try to understand things from her p... View more

My partner has a myriad of mental health illness...such as PTSD, anxiety, depression bi-polar and many others. Sometimes i struggle with communication as i am black and white, and she is multiple shades of grey...i try to understand things from her perspective however my logical mind cant seem to follow where she is going. For example..when she drinks...its 50/50 how the night will go, sometimes its amazing and we have a great time...other times it can take her to a dark place...where she will verbally attack me, accuse me of things that i have not done and just seem to provoke an argument. When this occurs i disengage and tell her i'm not speaking with her when she is treating me like this....if she continues i will leave the house for an hour or 2....sometimes when i come home she has calmed, other times she will sleep in the spare room...yet the following morning she will apologize for her behaviour. she admits she has a drinking problem, however if i do speak about it with her she claims i'm controlling. Recently she has been harassed online by a person who was in a relationship with a friend of mine....when their relationship went sour he was accusing her of cheating on her with me.....from that time, this other person found my partner on social media...and continually makes contact with her telling her that i cheated on her, making up complete random accusations....which then my partner turns on me with...i'm just not sure how to fight a battle where you cant see the opponent....i'm unsure why she believes him over me. I have brought this up with her to no avail. She is an amazing woman and i am just looking for advice on how to deal with some of the situations that arise....i have a diploma in drugs alcohol and mental health...yet it seems the toold i learned during that course are for a practitioner and not a partner....and its not recommended to try and treat a partner. Anybody have any advice or suggestions

TRC Seeking advice
  • replies: 3

Hi...not really sure this is the right place but i need help....Miss 13 was being badly bullied at school. My husband and i "found" and read her diary and it talked of self harm and suicidal thoughts. We talked t her over a few weeks about these thin... View more

Hi...not really sure this is the right place but i need help....Miss 13 was being badly bullied at school. My husband and i "found" and read her diary and it talked of self harm and suicidal thoughts. We talked t her over a few weeks about these things and counselling (without revealing that we knew about her diary). Told her if she every wanted to talk to someone outside of us she could go to a counsellor. She decided she did want to see someone. We took her and she has been seeing a counsellor for a few months now. We also changed her schools. We thought she was doing better, she seemed happier, made new friends and was coming out of her shell more. The counsellor has even pushed her sessions back leaving a bigger gap between them. Last night hubby "found" another notebook with entries from this week.... talking again about suicidal thoughts and completing actual acts of self harm. I am not sure what to do. Do we confront her, speak with the counsellor, take the doors off....i do not know where to go from here