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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Gambit87 How can I support my partner with an eating disorder.
  • replies: 3

Hi everyone, long story short, my partner had suffered terrible childhood trauma and as a result she developed bulimia. She used to purge right up until we got together (over 5 years ago now). She says she has stopped but there have been times where ... View more

Hi everyone, long story short, my partner had suffered terrible childhood trauma and as a result she developed bulimia. She used to purge right up until we got together (over 5 years ago now). She says she has stopped but there have been times where I suspected she has been purging, although I was never sure, so I never bought it up. Shes a stress eater and she eats large quantities of food and its usually junk food. Shes extremely self conscious about her weight and breaks down crying apologises to me for her binges, being over weight, how ulgy she is (she isnt, she is more beautiful than the day I met her). I tell her she has nothing to apologise for and give her a big hug. On my part - I reassure her as much as possible. I am very careful about what I say - a few years ago I made an innocent remark 'that icecream didn't last long' over some icecream that was gone within an hour of buying it - she barely ate for 3 days afterwards. I am fearful of her binging because of the health implications but I hide it the best I can. She sometimes sees the bother it causes me and breaks down and I tell her - If you need to eat, eat but id rather you eat a kilo of veggies in one sitting than a box of cocopops. She knows Im only worried about her health and not the actual eating. She knows she has a problem and is currently seeing a psychologist and sometimes see a dietitian who specialises in eating disorders. she does have good days, but its the bad days that make her feel like she cant get past this. Shes very depressed and has a bleak outlook on life. she doesnt have may friends, she doesn't go out and do things she enjoys. Ive been trying to pass on what ive been taught/learnt in my journey in overcoming depression and anxiety - but she looks at it with skepticism. I'm encouraging her to change jobs as she works in disability support and she works with some clients who are quite mean to her and make comments about her weight. I love this girl more than anything and all I want to do is help. Does anyone have any advice? Thank you all!

EzzyW My 70 year old dad needs mental health support
  • replies: 5

Hey all, I need advice.... My Dad is currently experiencing (what I believe to be) severe depression and anxiety issues that are resulting in: significant weight loss, panic attacks, alcohol addiction and an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with m... View more

Hey all, I need advice.... My Dad is currently experiencing (what I believe to be) severe depression and anxiety issues that are resulting in: significant weight loss, panic attacks, alcohol addiction and an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with my mum. It came to a head about 6 - 12 months ago after he was diagnosed with emphysema and lost his capacity to continue working in his physically demanding business. From the emphysema perspective, he has had many many CAT scans and various specialist appointments that have all resulted in: physically, while he does have some reduced lung capacity, he's fine. My brothers and I have all tried (separately and together) to support him, talk to him, encourage him to speak to mental health specialists (which he did for a while and then decided it wasn't right for him) and we're trying to be there for him and mum in whatever capacity they need. Unfortunately for us there are a couple of issues that I think are obstructing us from helping dad get better: mum is from the school of "buck up and carry on" and doesn't have a strong appreciation for mental health issues, they live in a regional area without easy access to medical specialists and while dad is on anti-depressants he's also in the routine of drinking heavily every night from around 4pm. ie "knock off time" from when he was working. He also still smokes and getting him to quit is essentially a lost cause... I feel like he's on this path of destruction where the only two outcomes will be tragedy, or full-time aged care. Given the two options, aged care seems like a great one, but for me it feels like that would be giving up his capability to live a longer, happier, independent life. Ideally, I'd like him to be admitted into a mental health care facility for a month (or months) and deal with his addictions and his depression/anxiety, but I can't do that on his behalf and I'm a bit lost about what to do next. Mental health support for older persons seems really difficult to get advice on, so I'm hoping anyone has some for me! I'm not even sure where to start in terms of getting specialist advice, so please let me know if there is anything at all you think would be helpful. Thanks

Lise_1110 Navigating financial assistance and support – How do I access assistance
  • replies: 5

My husband and I have always worked hard and paid our bills. Now we have come to the point that we may need some assistance to keep our house and pay all the bills one my income alone. What avenues are available and what we should do? My husband is b... View more

My husband and I have always worked hard and paid our bills. Now we have come to the point that we may need some assistance to keep our house and pay all the bills one my income alone. What avenues are available and what we should do? My husband is battling serve anxiety which has manifested into serve depression. We were so lucky with family support and learning about the mental Health Act Waiver that we were able to get the quick access support he needed by going into private hospital. At first it was really hard, it was little dropping off a 2year old at daycare the emotional blackmail of Please don’t leave me here was one of the hardest things I’ve done. He progressed so well in the private hospital but it did become his safe heaven. He has finished his 6 weeks stay in the private but in coming home he has regressed, he has is appointments with the GP and Psychologist tomorrow so that’s reassuring. One of his anxiety trigger points is money and he will soon run out of sick leave. What are our options? What support is available? I can’t see him returning to work for potentially months as he couldn’t pick up the groceries which was a click and collect- they came out to his car and out the food in the boot and he came home an absolute mess. Thank you so much for any advise Lise

JaneA42 Husband with a pornography addiction
  • replies: 2

Hello All, I’m new to this forum but am hoping that some of you might have some advice to give. Three years ago I found out that my husband had a pornography addiction ( began well before we met - probably decades old). I knew before this that he wat... View more

Hello All, I’m new to this forum but am hoping that some of you might have some advice to give. Three years ago I found out that my husband had a pornography addiction ( began well before we met - probably decades old). I knew before this that he watched porn and that didn’t bother me, but it we not until I accidentally found over 2500 downloads of hard core porn that I realised there was a big problem. I was able to see the download dates and times and it was evident that the level of engagement was as not within reasonable limits. He was also using a tumbler account of a workmate to log on to sites with extremely explicit content. When I first approached him about it he really didn’t think there was a problem and it wasn’t until I showed him the amount of time he was spending online engaging with porn that there was some type of recognition. He rarely came to bed at the same time as me, stayed up until all hours of the morning and would actually be surfing porn on weekends while I was in the same area of the house. ( He still rarely comes to bed with me.) Anyway he agreed to get counselling and this occurred for about 6 months before he had to go overseas for work. I think the usage reduced but he also got better at hiding it as well. Would use in-private windows (oh but would then forget to close them down!!). However, whenever I did ask him about the usage he was quite up front about how it was going - but would never volunteer that formation. I know he did really try to limit the it the usage and is very remorseful for the hurt this has caused. Anyway... fast forward about three years and the engagement is still occurring, probably not as much, but now I’m so tired of being patient and understanding. We have very little intimacy because of all this has been so damaging - especially to my trust in him. I don’t want to leave, we’ve been together for 13 years and there is a lot of good in the relationship. But I’m now getting to the point where I am scared that this will never be resolved and I’m going to have to engage with this over and over again (which I find quite personally damaging) . I’ve seen a psychologist about this but I’m not sure I have the energy to go back again. I just want to withdraw but I know this is not helpful. I’m not sure how to gather the energy to continue to deal with this. many advice would be much appreciated. Thanks

Guest_6510 Looking for support
  • replies: 7

Hi everyone, I’m new here! I think I’m looking for support. Some kind stranger who will listen to me and tell me things will be ok and it will get better. I moved to Australia to married the love of my life. We don’t have any kid just me and him for ... View more

Hi everyone, I’m new here! I think I’m looking for support. Some kind stranger who will listen to me and tell me things will be ok and it will get better. I moved to Australia to married the love of my life. We don’t have any kid just me and him for the last 10 years. We have small circle of friends and to me, my husband is my only family. He’s always been struggling with mild depression but I don’t know that it’s going to be this serious. Over the year, life is getting harder and harder for him. He will be the light of the party, but in private, he’s sad and depress. Sometimes he’ll tell me that something like he wanted to kill himself but because of me, he didn’t. He’s been seeing psychiatrist but he’s not getting better, I feel that he’s getting worst with his meds. A few days ago, he decided to check himself into mental health ward. I’m so proud of his decision and I hope this will help him. I really want to understand him and help him get better but deep down, I know that I won’t understand or know how deep his pain is. And this is the worst part, someone I love is right in front of me but he’s so far away, I want him to know that I’m right here. I work 9 to 5 then visit him everyday after work. It’s hard going through this alone but I need to be strong for both of us. I cried when the nurse asked if I’m ok or when an Ola driver asked me. But whenever I walked in those double doors I need to be a strong person, be his rock. I want to know how long it will take, will he ever be the same person again or what else can I do...

Helarctus Where is the line where I can say It's not me, it's you?
  • replies: 3

Context: Somewhere in the middle of getting a grip on my own reality after a recent self harm episode I stumbled into. One of my friends is having their own moment in parallel caused by other unrelated external triggers piling on for them. Just got o... View more

Context: Somewhere in the middle of getting a grip on my own reality after a recent self harm episode I stumbled into. One of my friends is having their own moment in parallel caused by other unrelated external triggers piling on for them. Just got off the phone with them and the conversation felt like it was veiled stabs because I'm not rushing 200km to see them or able to step out of work more than half an hour for a call. But Ugh, I know my perception is off at the moment while meds adjust and I'm struggling with my issues, where does the guilt stop, what is the line I can draw to say, this is where I can help or listen to and what is the best way to communicate this when the person speaking and the person listening are both in their own quagmires. As much seeking suggestions as just a need to vent on the matter while my brain ticks over. Regards, Helarctus.

MummaS33 How to help a friend with PND
  • replies: 1

I literally don't know if this will even make any sense, but I'll give it a go. I have a friend who I am extremely worried about; however I am more concerned for her children. There is a significant history of trauma (a late miscarriage, child with c... View more

I literally don't know if this will even make any sense, but I'll give it a go. I have a friend who I am extremely worried about; however I am more concerned for her children. There is a significant history of trauma (a late miscarriage, child with cancer and early childhood trauma) which has impacted her life greatly. Since the birth of her youngest, over 12 months ago, there has been a rapid decline in her mental health. Nightly anxiety attacks, no longer leaving the house, unable to cope with the children or maintain a conversation. I have witnessed one of her anxiety attacks and even as a health professional I found it confronting. I have spoken to her and acknowledged her traumas and the impact that they could be having. I have supported her and listened for endless hours about her ongoing struggles. I have spoken with her partner and continue to emphasize that he is doing a fantastic job. However she goes to the Dr and paints a picture that nothing is wrong, refuses to take medication and will continuously say the Dr believes she is fine and places the blame on her partner. Now here is where my concerns lay with the children. The eldest is spoken down to often, struggling with social and emotional connections. The middle child (cancer survivor) is almost school age, still in nappies, terrified of everything and has started making comments about "Mummy screaming at her" or "Mummy getting very angry". She spends 98% of her time in her bedroom on her iPad, does not attend preschool and also struggles with social and emotional connections. The youngest has spent most of her life in a cot, portacot, pram. Very developmentally delayed and often wants to leave with people when they leave the house. My friend has made comments about being scared of herself. Her partner no longer does anything for himself out of fear of being repercussions and the house has such a negative energy about it. We have started avoiding gatherings, however something just does not sit right with me and I need to help her in someway. Mainly for the kids.

Glenwood Out of the Loop
  • replies: 5

My wife has experienced periodic anxiety for many years now. Until recently, we hadn't identified it as such. Episodes include her lashing out at me verbally and family around her. I feel attacked and abused personally and resent her attacks. We have... View more

My wife has experienced periodic anxiety for many years now. Until recently, we hadn't identified it as such. Episodes include her lashing out at me verbally and family around her. I feel attacked and abused personally and resent her attacks. We have had conversations and she doesn't realise how aggressive she becomes during these events. She has said she is open for me to confront her in these times but I don't feel equipped in how best to do this in the heat of battle. Often, I attack back and we both withdraw from each other until tensions are eased. Sometimes this is days. In the past we have come together and broken the silence by talking things out but the cycle repeats and I feel hopeless to change the pattern. She is on medication and is presently getting counseling but I don't know what is happening with the sessions. I feel out of the loop and unsupported myself.

Aniuok Drinking too much alcohol due to partners high stress levels
  • replies: 5

My wife finds everything difficult and stressful, possible early onset Alzheimer’s. I am coping partly by drinking too much because of the constant nature of this stress on me. I use music to relax, enjoyment of nature etc but I need more coping skil... View more

My wife finds everything difficult and stressful, possible early onset Alzheimer’s. I am coping partly by drinking too much because of the constant nature of this stress on me. I use music to relax, enjoyment of nature etc but I need more coping skills

sandl12 Helping my BFF with depression
  • replies: 3

Hi, I am new to the forums. Looking for some advice. My BFF gets engulfed in what he calls "the darkness" and when he is experiencing an episode, I can't seem to find anyway to help him through it. He is a gay man who feels isolated from his communit... View more

Hi, I am new to the forums. Looking for some advice. My BFF gets engulfed in what he calls "the darkness" and when he is experiencing an episode, I can't seem to find anyway to help him through it. He is a gay man who feels isolated from his community, his best friend who is also gay has moved overseas and all his other friends in the community have partners. For most of his life he has struggled with his weight and has zero self esteem and hates himself. He has had some terrible things happen to him, bashed, mugged, cancer, heart attack, unsupported by his family when he came out - he is in his late 50's now. I have begged him to get professional help or contact Beyond Blue but he refuses. I just feel so helpless as there is nothing I can say or do that seems to make any difference. I don't think he really wants to die as he has fought so hard to live but I can't take the chance. He keeps saying the world won't miss him, he would be better off dead, I would be better off if he was dead and it scares me. The sense of relief I feel when he comes out of "the darkness" is overwhelming as I feel I can relax for a while. He has taken a huge step towards helping himself by walking every day and has lost over 10kg. He has stopped drinking and eating only nourishing food. He says he is now facing his demons and trying to deconstruct his thoughts, draw a line in the sand and use 2021 as a rebirth. He is in so much pain mentally as he is facing all of the issues he buried and I am not sure he can do this without help. He hides this from his other friends and refuses to discuss it with them or allow me to seek support from them or my family. I feel so isolated and helpless, any suggestions? Thanks for listening