My daughter wants to end her life

[honeybee73]

Hi all, I am new here. I have a daughter who will be 22 this year. She is a Year 3 Psychology student and smart one too. She has been seeing counsellor for depression and anxiety since 2018, I did not ask much about the contents of her counselling as she was unwilling to open up to me. Last week, she had nervous breakdown at the counselling centre and I only found out that all these while she has these thought of wanting to end her life but yet knowing she needs to seek for help. She was too ashamed to tell us. I was so heartbroken thinking to myself I am such a lousy parent that she wouldn't come to me when she needs help and it really hurts. I have been trying to think back what have I not done or care enough for her that had led her life into such an awful darkness. I hope it is not too late to start caring for her but yet giving her space knowing I am there for her anytime. She is everything to me and I want to walk her way towards the bright side of the tunnel. I am seeking for advice from parents in this forum here whom have had similar experience with their children. Thank you and bless you all.

[Sophie_M]

Hi honeybee73, 

We're sorry to hear about struggles you are having with your daughter. This must be so daunting for you as a parent to want to help your daughter so much, find her supports, hope that she gets better to find out that she has a painful secret. It sounds like you have been an amazing parent to find her the supports she needs, to stand by her through her dark times and to keep wanting to find help for her. You are in a tough predicament and we can see that you are doing all that you can to help her, even at the expense of yourself if need be. If you happen to need to get advice regarding tips on how to support your girl, please feel free to contact any other the following services. Also please remember to look after yourself and seek support for you. It is necessary that you fill your own cup also, in order to help others.

If you feel it may be helpful, you are always welcome to get in touch with Kids Helpline. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under.  

You can also contact Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) for tips and strategies. 

If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

It is so great that you have turned to this community for support. You are not alone and we are here to assist you. Please keep coming back to the forum and touch base with us.

 

[Aaronsis]

Hello honeybee73

It is so brave of you to come to share here and to get some support in this time, I don't have a child that is experiencing thoughts of suicide but my family have gone through losing my 19 year old brother in 2019, the very reason that I came to the forum.

There are some really great positives in your post in that your daughter does have some medical care, that she is seeking support for herself and that she has a professional to talk this through with, that is great, the fact you have supported her through this since 2018 shows to me that you are in fact a wonderful parent.

It is so very easy as a family member to go to blame, blame ourselves for why she could be feeling like this, what did you do wrong as a parent? what have you missed that you have not supported her on in her life? That it is your fault that she is feeling like this. I have learnt a lot from this space in talking with both people who have made attempts on their lives along with professionals as well as others who have also walked this path and I would like to share some of it with you.

You can sit down and think of all the things you "should" be doing and "could" have done "to her" to "make her this way", the fact is that doing this is only going to cause you so much pain and heartbreak and essentially you are making up scenarios in your head, they are not fact based and this is not helpful to you or to her. Today is day one, today you know the information that she is having thoughts and I think it is what you do now that is going to prove helpful to her and also to you.

I hope that you can get some support for you too, this is not easy to support someone who is struggling so could use some help too from your GP, maybe even getting some counselling for yourself to manage your thoughts and feelings too.

Conversations with her might be limited around how she is feeling so you can write her notes, let her know that you love her and that you support her journey to wellness. If you can get to asking her what she needs from you to support her, what she would like more of from you, she may not know, but she might and this also lets her think of some ways in which support might look like to her too. The safety planning app here is fantastic and maybe something you can do together, to not only start a conversation but to but some things in place for her safety.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

Hope to chat some more to you

Hugs

Sarah

[honeybee73]

Thank you Sophie for your support. She has reached out to Mental Health Careline and two mental health nurses are talking to her now in our living room, so I had briefly talked to the nurses that we as parents are there to step in when my daughter is ready for us to involve towards her path to wellness. I am so glad I have joined this forum knowing I am not alone. I have just signed up as volunteer with Beyond Blue hoping that by helping others I can also learn more on how to help people with depression and anxiety.

Bless you x

[honeybee73]

Thank you Sarah and I am sorry to hear about losing your brother back in 2019. You must have gone through a very hard time over it and I am sure you still miss your brother. I cannot imagine what would happen to me if I lose my daughter forever, she was the reason I fought through my Leukaemia back in 2006 as I never believe anyone in the world would be able to love her as much as I do.

While replying your post, we have two mental health nurses talking to her now in the living room and I introduced myself and my husband to them letting them know we are here for our daughter whenever she is ready for us to step in and help her with her path to wellness. I have downloaded beyongnow app earlier on but yet to create the safety plan. I will look into it.

I have been thinking to seek for counselling for myself too as sometimes I feel that there are so much on my chest and shoulders that I cannot breathe. I am glad I have joined this forum knowing I am not alone.

Thank you and God bless you x

Loves & Hugs

Karen

[Summer Rose]

Hi Honeybee73

I’m really sorry to hear that your daughter is so unwell. I know how hard this is for you, as I have walked in your shoes.

My daughter was 13 when she fell seriously ill with anxiety and OCD. She thought she was a freak and that we (her family) and the world would be better off without her.

I just remember being so scared. Slept on the floor of her room. Removed all sharp objects and medicines from our home. Had every mental health help line and emergency number in my phone.

I also felt guilt. I kept thinking we’d done something wrong or missed something. Truth is, she was seriously ill and it was nobody’s fault. She needed professional help and the right treatment—exactly the same as if we were dealing with cancer, heart disease or diabetes.

I also remember a profound sense of loss. I grieved my happy healthy girl and was terrified about her future. It was a long road but I got my girl back. She graduated high school, went on to university and part time work, has fallen in love, travelled (pre-Covid). She is amazing.

The best thing I ever did was to seek professional help for myself. I found a mental health nurse in private practice.

She helped me work through my issues but more importantly she coached me on how best to support my daughter. She also helped me navigate the mental health system, which is really tricky.

I think you and your girl will really benefit if you reach out for support. Your daughter really needs you now and you need your A game.

Before I finish, I want you to know two important things. First, you are not alone. Post any time to talk. Lean in friends and family. Talk to your husband.

Second, while people do unfortunately fall sick, they also get better. Recover is possible and it does happen with the right treatment and support.

You sound like an amazing loving mum. You are doing an amazing job in really difficult circumstances. You can do this.

Kind thoughts to you and your family

[honeybee73]

Thank you for your kind words.

I am here sitting in the ED now waiting for a doctor to see her. After spoken to the mental health nurses who came to our house this evening she took voluntarily action to come in to ED with them and seek for help. I am glad she has taken the initiative wanting to get helped. My husband is very supportive and also is there for her whenever she wants to talk. Our daughter has an introvert personality and she has been keeping her feelings and emotions to herself worrying she is a burden to us if she speaks out of her disagreement. I just wished I could have stepped in and helped her sooner before she became worst. I blamed myself badly for what happened to her now.

She has recently started to go out with a guy who is a year older than her. He has not been giving her the care and support that she needed. Again, as a protective mum, I have advised her let go of this relationship if he is not ready to walk through the rough time with her. She agreed with me but I'm not sure if I have done the right thing.

I am glad I have joined this forum knowing I am not alone.

Thank you and bless you xoxo

[Summer Rose]

Hi Honeybee

The ED is a tough place to be with a MH condition. I hope your daughter gets the care and attention she needs.

As for her boyfriend, you did the right thing. You gave your best advice from a place of love based on the information available to you.

I shave found that not everyone responds in a helpful way to MH. Some people get it, some people want to get it and some people will never get it. You and your daughter need to surround yourselves with supportive people.

I imagine you’ve both had a tough night. Try to get some rest.

Kind thoughts to you

[Aaronsis]

Hello Karen

It is so great to hear from you and that you are here chatting to us, but I want to say how wonderful it is that you have taken action and that your daughter is open to reaching out to the ED team at the hospital, this is great news. I hope that the experience is not too traumatic for both you and for her, as Summer Rose mentioned to you, the hospital can be a little bit hard to manage also but, it is a great place for her to be if she is at risk.

I hear what you are saying in that you are blaming yourself, I know how easy this is to do so I am not going to tell you not to, only to be kind to yourself and see the good work that you are doing now. Also you mentioned how she has not spoken of this and is very introverted and quiet, I would also like you to consider the fact that how are you to help someone when you don't know, when they don't ask and they don't show signs, especially if ill mental health is something you have no experience with. Please take some time show the same compassion you are showing to your daughter to yourself also.

I am so pleased that your husband is also being supportive, it sounds like you are a great team and this is also wonderful to hear that you both have a person that you can share this journey with and cry with and also celebrate the wins with. Just as people to get sick, they do get well too, I wanted to mention again that as Summer Rose also said that to you and it is very true.

With regards to her relationship, all you can do is advise and support and share some of your experiences with her, ultimately the choice is hers but if he is not able to support her then it is probably best that they part ways. This is also no fault on him, you can mention that to her too, that this does not make him a bad person or a bad boyfriend, just as this is new to you, it may be new to him too and he may not know how to support her, maybe if there is a connection there you can reach out to him to see if he would be interested in finding out about her mental health and if he needed support too, not that it is your role to care for him but you can share some contacts you have been given to make sure he is aware.

We are here for you Karen and for your family too, also your daughter if she felt she wanted to start a thread of her own to let some steam off and get some support.

I am proud of how you are managing this and how you are doing whatever is needed for your daughter, I think you are a wonderful mother.

Chat soon

Sarah