Help with mother-in-law

[frieda]

I don't even know where to start, so I will start with what is most current. My husband has taken a job overseas and I am left behind to care for my mother in law. We will move to join him in a month or so. That might seem like a small problem, but the thing is she has been with us for last four years. After she moved in, we stopped going anywhere. I have lost all my friends because they ask me to take my mother in law with me everywhere I go. I dread meeting people. I have gone to movies about 4 times in last one year and for  that too I have heard comments from people that I should have taken her with me. I know I suffer from acute social anxiety disorder.

About my mother in law- she loves to criticize me to others. Whenever she meets someone, she tells them everything about my daily routine. It's like living on reality television forever. I believe people also like juicy gossips. There is nobody I can trust.

There is no hope for me. It's going to be like this forever. When I pray, I hear only one thing that the only solution to this is to die. I sometimes think ways to end my life.

[frieda]

Yes, Geoff. They have to be together with the son and daughter in law under the same roof.

Thanks Rodentron,

I understand what you are saying and I agree with it, but I can not implement it.

P.S.- It's only getting worse. My sister in law wants to visit from overseas. Feeling angry and helpless.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Rodentdron,

I'm married to an Indian culture and I'm English.   It's a fine balance and Frieda obviously wishes her situation was different.  But cultural identification is alive and well in the world.     For me the advantages are the beautiful slow cooked 12 hr Indian meals that seem to make an occasion or ceremony of any family occasion.   But then the disadvantage is that because I married the daughter (and not the son !) we have had had zero financial assistance and infact when we had our 3rd child no one even recognised her.  A daughter providing another daughter.  No way !

If you were to marry outside your culture it would be the same thing.  Advantages and Disadvantages.   I know you are young and fiesty but stating "Tradition is nonsense" is interesting in that you have to be taking on the whole world with that statement.  Possibly a single, selfish outlook.   After all traditional methods of having children didn't deny you an existence.    The pressure to continue the line is always there.  I guess getting married and having children validates the family.  You mentioned elsewhere that you were a virgin (or hadn't had sex) so maybe you are subconsiously saving yourself for that special girl.   If you've never had a serious relationship I guess then that tradition would be irrelevant, not just nonsense for your personal situation.

Also, I would have to disagree (if I may) with your idea that "the present-day world actually works".   That's quite an assumption too as even Geoff would attest.   With more divorces and family break downs that ever maybe Frieda is proving that family should stick together regardless.  Even if it's inconveniant.  But then my own family of 3 kids under 5 years was pretty inconveniant too ?  Then having 3 teenagers a bit like a rocket launcher over my daddyness.

Where's the love ?  Or is that too traditional ?  Something about this post has touched a few raw emotions.   If having a hobby will rectifiy centuries of culture and diverse family hierarchies in one foul swoop then maybe I should get my old chess set out and use my hands in a mathematically induced thoughtful manner rather than release my wife's bra strap tonight.  In the traditional manner.

Adios, David.

[geoff]

dear Rodentdron, good comment.

It's the same as when you tell your 12 year old not to smoke, because it's tradition that you can't until your 18, or is it unlawful, either way these are always broken.

The same applies to drinking alcohol, or having a sexual relationship, by law it shouldn't be done until your 18, imagine all those hormonal kids waiting to cut the chains off the chastity belt.

'They've lived their lives by those silly rules', the year is 2013.

If your parents ( look away Damien )are religious and go to church every sunday, or even everyday and say to you, 'Johnnie you should go to church every sunday, because that's what our religion tells us to do, and don't forget to bring some coins for the plate', but they break tradition and don't go, because they have other things to do, 'no mum I have a date'.

We have monogamous marriage but in other countries it's possible to have 10 wives for their leader, simply because they have broken with tradition. Geoff.

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

I thought it was implied, but by "tradition", I meant "tradition for the sake of tradition".  There are traditions that just happen to be good ideas.  But they're not good ideas because of the fact that they're traditions.  They're good ideas because they're good ideas.

"Centuries of culture" doesn't deserve automatic respect.  Culture is fascinating, but it shouldn't be enacted in our own lives simply because it already existed before we were born; before we had any say in what rules got made up.  Let me show you some counter-examples of bad traditions: ritual genital mutilation, fellating tribal elders as a coming of age ritual, neck elongation, foot binding, bullfighting, human sacrifice, duelling.

Yes, if someone is trying to control someone else's life, they need to get their own life (get a hobby).

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Geoff & Rodentdron,

Maybe it's traditional to disrespect tradition and some people just follow any trend because it is different and possibly not valid ?   Good debate though.

There's an Old Testament passage that you two would love where the roaming Israelites (the Jews) stop in a city for food,etc, and also to make some conversions.   By the end of lengthy reasoning the whole home team goes for the circumcision bit (sorry, but ouch !) and the Jewish group (playing away) take the opportunity to smite all before them and be victorious while the home team hobble.

So the moral is "Don't get taken in by opposing ideas, new ideas or let a blade near your manhood" or "Wearing a little firemans' helmut does not protect you from new ideas".    There must be more takes on this.   Any suggestions ?

Adios, David.

PS  10 wives means 10 mother in laws. That's a lot of pressure.    Geoff, you know Damien will be looking harder after you've joked (look away Damien).   Bordering on a bit of religious discrimination in a playful way.  Bit close to the bone - like the circumcision.

[frieda]

Hello David,

I am with Rodentdron on this because what can be more important in life than life itself? What good are traditions to me if I have to end my life because I can not break the rules. What good are traditions if a woman can only wish her situation was different but could do nothing more than that?

[frieda]

Hi Geoff,

My son is 19. He doesn't drink alcohol and he doesn't smoke not because it's against tradition, it's because he is clever enough to know that drinking or smoking are not going to do him any good.

Traditions are not always right. What good is a tradition that puts the right of one person over the other"s?

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Frieda,

Maybe you should start a new tradition.  But most changes in culture only happen because we don't value something.   And even not valueing something is actually still giving it a value - a negative value.   That's why changes work as they resonate with the past and point to the future.   Hope you work out a balance.

Adios, David.

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

Is the mother-in-law going with you to stay with your husband?  I know you said "we are going to join him", but I supposed this "we" could refer some heretofore unmentioned children.

Does your MIL herself demand that you take her with you to social events, or is it just other people telling you to do this?  Does she enjoy it?  Apart from that, does she hang out with her own friends?  I really think she needs to have her own life, separate from yours.  That'll surely improve things.

[frieda]

Start a new tradition? no. I am not interested. 20 years is a long time and I am just too tired. I am on the verge of giving up, calling it quits. Every breath, every moment of my life seems a burden to me. I am sick and tired of people telling me how great traditions are and then in the same breath telling me how they are enjoying their freedom after their kids moved out. I want my freedom too, for heavens' sake.

Why does mentioning that I was born into a different culture change everything. Why do I deserve any less if I wasn't born in a western country?

I can't win I guess, like you said in your earlier post.