Help Im stressed and worried my husband has stopped taking his antidepressants and is drinking more than normal.. :-(

Debi66 · ‎26-11-2015

Hi my husband was first diagnosed with depression & anxiety a few months ago,but leading up to that we had a few fights over alcohol he has always liked his drink but we never had any issues with it until about 2 years ago when he started making his own, & it affects him differently, its only been recently that iv realised that the issue is the homemade alcohol. He agreed earlier this year to buy it for a couple of weeks to see what happened, nothing it was all good. I found myself constantly monitoring & questioning how much he was drinking & I would say something which at times ended in an argument. I have no idea whether this was partly the reason for his depression, alongside him being a shift worker for 10 years & not really liking his job. Well after he was diagnosed he was put on antidepressants & started seeing a councillor & he stopped drinking a few weeks after taking the meds so I assumed it was because he no longer needed the alcohol those 2 months were fantastic but his step dad passed away early Oct, but he wasn't really close to him so I don't know if this has anything to do with him drinking again. He also has been lying to me mostly about the drinking hiding the coke and bottle of drink outside where I couldn't see how much he had etc.( which he is still doing) Last Tuesday 17th at night we had a huge fight which also continued the next night until early hours Thursday morning, everything was ok for a few days until this Tuesday when he went of his rocker about something that he normally would shrug off he was screaming and screaming and crying ( keep in mind I have never seen him cry in the 10 years we've been together maybe a few tears but nothing like he did) after last week he made arrangements to go see his mum whether he just went for visit or stayed a day or 2 but he has been avoiding that &making excuses he rung her after another argument last night &hung up on her twice,so I rung her & she said that she told him he can come to stay with her a few days & talk to him and that he should stop drinking & take his meds, he obviously didn't like what she said, maybe it hit home.I am stressed & have lost 2 kilos in a week. I have to confess I have verbally abused him but only over complete frustration not enough space to explain that, I am seeing a councillor myself. He has also stopped his counselling, I don't know what to do, we still really love each other so much, I forgot to mention he blames me for everything even his depression.

Kathryne · ‎27-11-2015

Hi Debi,

Shift work can be a big issue as your body clock has to adjust to different schedules.not liking the job also does not help good mental health.

Could you consider not using homemade alcohol., if this is causing issues. Maybe you could set an agreed amount that could be used each pay period with no guilt attached.

The death of a person one is familiar with can result in deep emotional feelings, which maybe the cause of the issues currently being experienced.

Maybe a grief counselor could assist. Or return to your go for review.

Hopefully you can find a solutionn.

Kathryne

pipsy · ‎27-11-2015

Hi Debi. Your husband has a lot of issues going on. He's lost his stepdad, he's a shift worker (my sympathies to both of you there). He's taking anti-depressants and drinking. What a dynamite combination. I would suggest you ring AA for advise on the drinking. With anti-depressants, drinking is not a good idea, the combination there is harmful. There are a lot of things he's not telling you, the drinking is possibly to cover up whatever he's feeling. Do you know what the argument with his mum was about, it obviously helped fuel whatever anger he already has. Until he's ready to accept he needs help, there's not a lot you can do. I would keep seeing your counsellor, but definitely contact AA re: his drinking. Perhaps contacting AA for your benefit as well. They quite often have guidelines for people who have family with alcohol problems. I think he's blaming you because it's easier to blame you than it is to admit he has a problem. Anyone with 'black dog' issues often feel completely unworthy and will lash out to try and prove they're not worth loving. It's a case of; I'm not worth loving, so how can anyone love me? Once you have some guidelines to work with, things may improve. Maybe discuss calling AA with your counsellor.

Debi66 · ‎28-11-2015

Hi Pipsy thanks for that advice it definitely helped...he didn't actually have an argument with his mum,he rung her at 2am half drunk when we had just had an argument and said he wanted to live with her im guessing to run away from everything but after i had a chat to her the next morning she told me that she said he can stay their awhile but he cant live there because she's in a retirement village and she said if he did stay a few days or til he sorted himself out she won't have him drinking. Also she said he needs to stop drinking and take his medication...so im gathering he didn't like that too much....i will definitely ring alcaholics anonymous..

Carmela · ‎28-11-2015

Hi Debi,

It sounds like you are both experiencing a difficult time in your relationship. You noted that your husband is drinking alcohol. Unfortunately regular alcohol consumption can trigger an episode of depression, make current symptoms much worse and make it difficult for someone to recover from depression. Alcohol can stop any mental health treatment from having a positive effect. This is an important issue to address. Beyondblue have some resources available for you at https://www.beyondblue.org.au/resources/for me/men/what-causes-anxiety-and-depression-in-men/alcohol-and-drug-use

I am pleased to read that you are seeing a counsellor. This is a positive step and one you should continue whilst your husband is depressed. Counselling presents great opportunities to discuss your frustrations points and identifying coping mechanisms. Supporting a depressed partner carries its own pain and grief and we should never under estimate the extent this has on our day to day lives.

In relation to your husbands’ behaviour from what you have posted, it sounds like his is grieving. It’s very
difficult to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped, and it sounds like you’re doing the best you can. Can l suggest that you speak to your counsellor or GP about grief management and what you can do as a partner?From the information you gather, have the conversation with our husband without judgement or expectation. My husband lost his brother some years ago it brought on his depression. I found that patience and understanding are the two most important elements here. Take time to chip away at the small things as all these will lead to recovery.

Debi66 · ‎30-11-2015

Hi everyone thanks so much for the advice. I want to give an update on the current situation. He said he would do a communication course with me so that's a good thing. things have been ok there's been no arguments and we've managed to talk a couple of times although I did most of the talking not unusual lol. He finally spoke to his mum last Thurs afternoon,& after the call he came & told me he was going to start taking his antidepressants again, he never had a drink from Wednesday night til today,I would rather he not drink at all, but at least hes not drinking the homemade alcohol, he went and bought some cans which is better than a bottle because with a bottle he can put whatever amount of alcohol he likes in it, this way its pre-made. He visited his mum today to talk but because she lost her husband only 2 months ago, she also needed someone to talk to so apparently he didn't get to talk about a lot. I was worried the whole time thinking is he telling her only what iv done wrong or is he talking about his part in all this. Today I have been very emotional & frustrated id probably say its everything along with menopause which isn't helping things. He seemed a bit quiet when he got home, I was anxious to hear about what was said and how he felt after talking to her but things didn't come out right and I just ended up upset and more frustrated but we didn't argue. I have a question for whoever would like to have a go at answering he doesn't seem to want to have sex, hes never really had a good sex drive, mines never been huge either but a bit more than his until the last couple of years mines become almost non existent, but even though we've both had low sex drives we have always made the effort but probably only every month or so etc. But since the arguments a couple of months ago he hasn't wanted to even try, he said he doesn't really know why but he needed to talk to his mum about everything but after talking to her today he still feels the same but he said he didn't get to talk to her about that, but im wondering could it be the depression & all the arguing over the last couple of weeks. He did say to me today that its been a build up over years of arguing, but its not like we've been arguing non stop for 10 years but we've had some bad patches. He said its got nothing to do with not loving me at all, he just needs time, but I feel like im being punished or something, he said that's not the case but its how it feels. if anyone can help thatd be great!

pipsy · ‎01-12-2015

Hi Debi. It sounds as though he's started to slowly 'turn the corner'. Trying to talk to his mum didn't go well, she's in mourning and probably can't help him because she's not in a good place emotionally. With everything else going on, I wouldn't worry too much about the physical side, I would hug him (when possible). Try to build your communication first, the rest will follow as he starts to settle down. Whether he's 'bagging' you to mum or not, I wouldn't dwell on that either. If you and her have a good relationship (lucky you), she won't take too much notice of that. You've had a fairly rough trot lately, you both need time to 'lick your wounds', have you got someone close you can talk to, that's really all he's doing. If you've got someone you can unload to, as well as BB that would help you immensely. I'm still concerned about the drinking, did you ring AA on that issue? Sounds like the communication course would be beneficial to both of you. You going through menopause, (sympathy there). With his depression, your menopause (which possibly also brings depression plus). None of this is your fault, circumstances beyond both your controls have started an emotional roller coaster. Once you attend your communication course, you'll learn how to overcome your negativity. Menopause could also be playing a part in how bad you're feeling. Are you taking anything for the menopause. Perhaps a mild anti-depressant wouldn't hurt. Have a talk with your Dr about your emotions.

Best of luck with your course.

Debi66 · ‎01-12-2015

Hi Pipsy, thanks again for the advice. My Mum in law and I are get on well but I we don't talk about stuff my ex mother in law is an amazing woman and it didn't matter what was going on she never judged me and never took her sons side just because it was her son... but hubby did say that she doesn't think any less of me so I guess that's good. I haven't rung Al non yet but will do, just haven't found the right time plus my memory is bad lately. I do have my aunty and my dad I can talk to and a couple of friends, although my best friends dad has cancer and lives in Holland so she is going through a lot herself so its hard for both of us to be there for each other atm. As for the menopause no not taking anything at the moment, I was taking something natural which was working but like anything it built up in my system then didn't work as well so I'm giving my body a break. I'm not sure if I have depression, things are getting me down though I have good days and bad days but that usually depends on what's happening here. its so hard feeling like I'm to blame for it all, hubby has said a few things here and there that kind of acknowledges he has issues but then there's other times where it appears its all my fault, its like being on an emotional roller coaster at the moment. There are days when I see light at the end of the tunnel and other days I can't 😞 I really wish he would go to counselling with me, I think it would be beneficial, one would think he would do anything to make our marriage better, I know I would, but could it be that by doing that he may have to face some demons?? who know?? Anyway thanks again will keep you all updated 🙂

geoff · ‎01-12-2015

dear Debi, sorry to come into this conversation so late, but your comment I can truly resonate with, as I used alcohol to self medicate myself in depression, where I didn't make my own brew, but stored alcohol in the shed in various positions.

My wife yelled at me but I never retaliated, I just wanted to be alone, by myself and relished when she took our sons out for the day and hated it if anyone come to visit me.

My wife (ex) and two sons hated to see me drinking, but I was so depressed that I needed something to numb my feelings, my negative thoughts that I could never solve, even though I was seeing a psychologist and taking antidepressants (AD), but the alcohol just waters down the strength of the AD, but eventually it cost me my marriage and the house had to be sold.

It took me a long time to get any contact with all of them, but now I only drink socially and have a great warm relationship with both my sons and now two small granddaughters.

It's so much easier now to reconsider what should have happened, in other words in hindsight, that perhaps I could have recovered much faster than I did, but that's something which is left open.

My wife had PND so our marriage was never great with having intimate relations and I can't blame her for that, plus I can't blame her for divorcing me, because she said she couldn't help me any more, plus she hated the alcohol.

I never ever anticipated that I would ever get divorced, she was my one and only love I had, but that's what depression can do to us, plus all it brings with it just to complicate the issues.

I probably haven't been any help to you, but I know exactly what you are going through. Geoff. x

pipsy · ‎01-12-2015

Hi Deb. Wish there was more I could say to help lift you up. With everything that's going on around you, it's not surprising you're feeling that low. With taking any thing for menopause or anything, your body does build up a certain immunity. Sometimes taking something for a month, then having a break, then resuming the med is good too. However your Dr is the best advice there. I think you're feeling low because you feel your hubby is 'shutting' you out. He isn't really, he has to process how he's feeling before he can put it into words. With attending your communication course, hopefully this will enable you to resolve a lot of your problems. Going to counselling may be more than he can face at the moment. He may feel counselling would not be to his advantage yet. I know my ex vowed and declared he would never go. He used to make the excuse that the counsellor would tell him what to do. It could be your hubby believes the same thing. When you attend counselling, do you tell your hubby anything about it? This would help him understand how counselling works. But, if he's scared he's going to be told 'what to do', sharing what happens will give him a better understanding. Women are usually able to process emotional matters quicker than men, this is no reflection on men, it's just that women actually mature faster. Men as a rule have difficulty with emotions because they're taught 'men don't show emotions'. They are able to 'walk away' quicker than us because once the argument (whatever) is 'over', time to move on to 'living'. We get upset where they just dust off. This situation you're in has actually been going on longer than you've been alive. We've always had trouble with the sexes living together because women are wired differently to men. We don't understand how each other works. Half the time, we don't even understand how we work. You're probably feeling 'to blame' because of the lack of communication. The more we don't talk, the harder it becomes.

I'm positive things will get better. Ask your counsellor for tips (if possible) on communication. This is part of what his/her job is. They should be able to give you some guidelines.