Desperate to help my 31-year-old Son who has gone off the rails

[echoforum25]

I never thought this could happen to one of my children. My eldest child has always been difficult. He didn't do well at school but stayed through Year 12 and managed a low score. He did some study but didn't finish. He worked for a big company then just didn't turn up for work one day and abandoned his job because it was "just too hard". He has always blamed us his parents for his life, even though we have loved him unconditionally, been there for him always, fed/clothed him and picked up the pieces when he has fallen in a heap.  We have bailed him out financially so many times I have lost count.  When he abused us for "interfering" in his life we cut the financial cords and let him take the reins of his life, trying to get him to stand on his own two feet.  Unfortunately this didn't seem to have the required result and he defaulted on many payments on his car and rent. He then begged us to bail him out yet again. Last year he met a wonderful girl and he seemed to improve for a while while she was around. After a year she isn't around any more and so he has spiralled into a pit even worse than he was before.  He has started to cut himself off from us and his brother and sister, not returning calls and only texting us when he wants something. We have often suggested he seek counselling but he absolutely refuses.  How do you help someone who doesn't want to be helped? I'm so worried he may harm himself or one of us if we visit him.  His father and I cannot sleep for the worry of it all and this affects us so much as a family.  How on earth can we help him?

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[HelenM]

It really is a Mum's nightmare isn't it? We do everything as well as we possibly can but ultimately they live their life and make their own choices. 

I must admit I don't think you should visit him. If he doesn't want you too then I would say you have to respect that. Though it's easy for me to say that I know. If you're not seeing him but know his address I think I'd write to him. Not asking him to change or come home. But I think I'd write to tell him you're thinking about him and you'd love to see him. You hope things are going okay. And you love him. I'm not sure you can ask too much without getting his back up. I think I'd send a letter every month or whatever timescale you think is right. The reason I'd do this is that you'd be keeping the lines of communication open.

Whether you help if he wants money or whatever is hard to know.

I really do feel sorry for you. My kids are both adults and things are okay but like you I'd be sick with worry if they weren't.

I hope things improve, Helen