Depressed Husband & Pregnant PTSD Wife

[Tony_F]

Hi, This is my first post and I am feeling some what anxious about sharing my personal issues online, but I feel I must reach out not only for myself, but for the benefit of my wife and children.

My wife and I are in our mid 30's and have three children and are expecting our fourth. My pregnant wife suffers with PTSD from a traumatic child hood, her currently being pregnant is making everything harder, and I suffer intermittently from depression. We have been together for almost 17 years, and have had to endure some amazingly difficult times. But without getting too personal I would like to just get right into it.

Our marriage is suffering... My wife is suffering, I am suffering, and the kids I believe have been effected and are also in some ways suffering, even though we try as hard as we can to shield them from our adult issues. Currently our situation is quite bad, my wife is staying at her sisters house whilst I am at home with the children. I feel useless and depressed because of so many things in our lives that I feel we've lost control over. We want to sell our home and move. But, the problem I am having is that I fall in and out of depression.. and this has happened for years, which has hindered me from having the motivation to complete just about anything in the house, and personal goals. I don't blame her at all, it's just hard.

Why am I depressed? Well.. My wife whom I love very much suffers from PTSD and because of this I have to endure a lot of disrespect, personal put downs, personal attacks and insults, even sometimes a physical attack such as push or shove, or even get things thrown at me. Honestly, I am 6 foot 5 so it's more so the verbal attacks that hurt me more than anything. I try so hard to talk to her, and get her to understand things but it is hard for her to trust my judgement due to her PTSD? She doesn't see how it's all connected, or am I wrong?

I am very depressed, I wish she could see that PTSD effects the whole house, not just her. I believe her PTSD causes my depression, which leads me to have no motivation around the house, which triggers her to call me lazy, then gets mad and attacks me emotionally which makes me even more depressed, which in return I have no motivation and then she again lashes out at me.

Please, can anyone help me to understand what I need to do? I love my wife so much I do not want us to break up, I know shes in there under the PTSD, and she is so beautiful.

Thank you.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Tony_F,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for being here. I really appreciate you writing in and can see it hasn't been an easy step to do.

From what I can see though, you've taken the hardest step. You've reached out. Reaching out is not easy when you have been dealing with things on your own for what seems like the longest time. I can see so much resilience from both you and your wife, as depression and PTSD is no walk in the park.

I'm wondering if you've ever considered getting some more support? Ultimately professional support is going to be the best source of help, being able to navigate everyone's needs and understand where you're both at.

You mentioned that it's hard for her to trust your judgement - that makes sense to me. When someone with PTSD is being triggered and their behaviour is so different, the parts of the brain that are logical (decision making, reasoning) kind of take a step back. I'm hypothesising here, but your wife may be taking things out on you because it's too hard for her to deal with things internally - attacking you may be easier than coping with what's inside her head at that moment.

I hope that this is somewhat helpful. Thanks for being here on the forums with us.

[Tony_F]

Hi romantic_thi3f,

I appreciate you response and views.

Yes, I agree that reaching out is the hardest initial step, and I don't always find it I'm usually a self preserved person who tends to deal with things independently (or at least try).

In past years we've learnt to deal with everything ourselves as we don't have many family and friend's around, and yes as you said we are quite resilient and have learnt to just "roll with the punches", but that's now taking a dramatic toll on us as a couple and individually.

My wife has been getting support for a while now (she's off her meds) and things are some what better than a few years ago, but the pregnancy is making things "heightened" and isconcerning considering she suffers from PTSD.. I get quite worried at times.

As much as I am concerned for her and bubs.. in an unselfish way I am also worried about myself, I know she thinks a lot (she tells me) that I don't care, stress, worry about her, or try to change and fix things.... I know within myself what the truth is, and the truth is that I do my best and I suffer too. I spend A LOT of time by myself out the back which I probably shouldn't do but it helps me to relax somewhat, and I usually sleep on the couch, as I have spouts of insomnia. I am also worried about my physical health as lately I have been having some chest pain, loss of appetite, tear up when no one is around, reflect on my life and feel as a failure, and even had thoughts of self harm (not serious-instantly dismissed) .. It deeply hurts that she doesn't see I am hurting too, and if she does then why doesn't she come to me and reassure me? It is times like this that we must not be stubborn and proud, I'm not perfect but I do my best, I just wish she would drop her guard.

My wife is such a beautiful woman, she really is, its just so frustrating when the PTSD kicks in, like someone just flipped a switch and instantly she goes from my wife to a demon. If she could just feel how my heart aches for her, and how I hurt too, just for a second...

A main thing I have found is her ability to understand my point, it is like we can not communicate properly and she miss hears everything that I say, it is so frustrating because this then triggers her and she gets angry.

But I am strong, I am strong for myself, and for my wife and children, I will fight them..

I believe the key is her just doing her best to know she can trust me enough to let me take the lead and guide her to happiness.

Thanks again.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Tony_F,

Great to hear from you again and thanks for sharing more about what's going on.

It sounds like my post resonated with you a bit which is great to hear. I can see that you care so much about your wife even though it's clearly taking its toll on both of you.

I think it's probably important to recognise how much weight caring can take on you. Both myself and my partner deal with mental health issues so I can recognise what it's like to be on both sides of the coin. A lot of the caring too comes with compassion - and with compassion comes compassion fatigue. Quite simply, it sounds like that's part of whats going on. There's so much giving and giving from your part. Especially when you say that you don't feel like your wife sees your hurting. It's kind of no wonder that you're having these physical issues too - it's just becoming too heavy.

What do you think might be the next best step? On a positive note - you've recognised what's going on. Often these things that you (and many others) are dealing with just feel like the 'normal', so it can be hard to pick out and say 'this isn't right' or 'I need to change this'.

You mentioned in your post your wife is getting some help; I take it that means she's seeing a therapist - have you ever considered seeing one? As someone who has seen a few therapists, it's not all about talking; maybe thinking about ways to communicate better, carving out some time for yourself or even just setting some boundaries when your wife lashes out could be helpful. It might not be for you but something to think about perhaps.

[PamelaR]

Hi Tony F and a warm welcome to our community forums

It's so pleasing you've found your way here and are starting to open up. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I can see how difficult it is for you and how difficult it must be for your wife and children.

I'm not a health professional, however, I can share with you some of my own experiences. I have lived with PTSD, CPTSD, anxiety and depression for the past 50 or more years. However, diagnosis of this never happened until about 8 years ago. So life for me and with me was pretty tumultuous. Memories of the morning after my wedding day to my hubby of 36 years was very traumatic. I threw the most incredibly vindictive, foul mouthed garbage at my husband. Many years later I realise it all had to do with my mother who had travelled to where I was getting married.

Anyway, my years have been spent going up and down on a roller coaster. I used to get so angry. Taking out this anger on who ever was the closest, usually my poor hubby. He has stayed with me. Bless him. Though these days after many years of intense therapy, medication, self reflection, self work I no longer have that anger which was hidden within my body, my mind and my soul.

My diagnosis came when I had a breakdown 8 years ago. In a way that was the best thing that ever happened to me. Otherwise I'd still be riding that roller coast I think. Also, I am lucky to not have children. We tried very hard for a long time. It was never to be and in some ways I am thankful because what you have described about your wife is how I think I might have been if I'd had children.

So how does this help you? That PTSD is manageable. It takes an enormous amount of work though and it will take time.

You sound very much like my hubby. Very understanding and wanting to help so much. He used to get so frightened and I never realised how much until I started to recover and heal.

Maybe something to help you understand - often when you have PTSD especially from a young age, one's emotions, feelings and thoughts are quite scrambled. It's only been in the last 8 years I've learnt about feelings and emotions - which is which and how to respond. Maybe your wife is similar?

Getting her to take that first step is going to be difficult. Her hormones at the moment I expect are heightening her behaviour even more.

My thoughts are you both need help from a therapist/s, individually I think. What's your thoughts?

Hope some of this helps.

Kind regards

PamelaR