Depressed daughter *Trigger warning - self harm*

[Blue_Basil]

Hello,

First time posting.

My 15 year old daughter has been suffering from depression for almost a year now.
I am not sure what event caused it or if it is a combination but her first real boyfriend broke up with her last year. Her best friend moved overseas and her friendship circle broke down. I believe the fact that one of her friends in particular started communicating with me about my daughters struggles may have caused friction in the group and my daughter now feels guilt over that also.
She has been self harming, eating less and less each day and withdrawn from her friends and everything that she used to love.
I've tried 2 counsellors but she doesn't want to talk to them. She opens up a little to the guidance officer at school which is good but besides that doesn't talk to anyone about her struggles.
She has body image issues and has lost a lot of weight, also refusing to eat in front of people.
We've been to a Dr today and had blood tests done after she disclosed feeling often dizzy and light headed to the GO.
I'd love to hear from others who have been through this. Its so shattering to watch her go through this.
Previously I'd become all emotional and jump into 'fix it' mode but I am now learning to keep calm and offer support rather than advise.

Thanks

[ElleVinnie]

Hi Upsy-Daisy,

Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I totally agree with you when you said we need to give up 'fixing, judgement & control'. Sometimes we get too obsessed with finding ways to 'fix' our kids and if those 'fixes' don't present themselves we get frustrated, feel despair and beat ourselves up over and over for it. In my case, it's learning to come to term with the fact that this journey will mostly likely be a rough ride and it may very well take a very long time to end. And also to never lose faith in that one day our daughter will come out of it and be able to find self worth and value and happiness in life again. Right now, unconditional love and support are the best things we can give her.

As parents, we all know that we're not perfect and at times feel that we've failed our kids. My hubby and I certainly have lots of moments like this. We have our own psychologist to support our mental health while we care for and support our daughter's. I find that being kind to myself isn't always easy but I must try for my daughter and soldier on.

So Upsy-Daisy, all the best to you and your daughter and take care!

[oliviahw]

Hello

I too have a daugther who is 14 and is going through all the same issues as yours. My daughter has always suffered from a bit of anxiety but during the last 6 months (I think its been ramping up for about a year though) that's turned in to full tilt depression, SH, early stages bulemia and it seems to be getting worse. My daugther has a psychologist and a specialist easting disorder dietician (who seems to really push my daugthers butttons so I'm not sure its a good idea to continue with her but she's so good and makes so much sense...but my daughter can't see that...she just wants her to tell her how she can lose more weight), a school counsellor and is about to see a psychiatrist. She wants to go on anti depressants but from what I've read they don't really do much to help and can have horrible side effects. We found out she has very low iron so we got an iron infusion and we have had her taking melatonin to improve her sleep (she now sleeps much better) but still she seems to be getting less and less interested in school, friends, sport (she was a really sporty person prior to this) and us. Its heart breaking. She has massively low self esteem, doesn't want to eat (although will eat a bit of breakfast and dinner but will never eat at school) and cries a lot. I really don't know how we are meant to act around her. My husband is struggling a lot and so I'm taking on more of the load. I can't help but feel that i've failed as a parent and am starting to feel really low myself. I know I just need to keep trying to help where i can and to be there for her unconditionally and to talk to her about it but I feel Like its just never going to go away. So sorry about the ramble. I guess i wanted you and the others on here to know that there are many of us dealing with the same struggle. Its reassuring to read other people's journeys to know I'm not alone.

[Sophie_M]

Hi oliviahw 

We're so sorry to hear about what you and your daughter are going through. It sounds like you're a really supportive parent, and are doing your best to get her the help she needs. We hope that you are taking time to check in with yourself amongst all of this, as it's a truly difficult thing to be going through.  

Here are a few things you might find useful: 

• Our website pages about supporting young people with depression  
• Our pages on looking after yourself when supporting someone.  

Remember our phonelines are open to you and your family 24/7 on 1300 22 4636. We'd definitely recommend making contact with The Butterfly Foundation on 1800 33 4673, 8am-midnight (AEST). They offer phone, webchat and email support for those experiencing an eating disorder, friends, family, carers and professionals. We'd also recommend having a look at their support groups for family and friends, here.

You could also remind your daughter that all of these services are available through webchat, if that's preferable for her: 

• Beyond Blue 
• Kids Helpline 
• The Butterfly Foundation 
• Lifeline 

We're really glad you could share here with our community, and we hope you find comfort and understanding in this community where others are going through similar challenges. Please know that our community are here to listen and offer their kind support to you during this difficult time, and will always appreciate your updates.  

Kind regards, 

Sophie M 

[BElaine]

Hi Upsy-Daisy,

My first reply! Thank you for sharing your advice - giving up fixing, judgement and control. Just unconditional love. So hard. My daughter is 17 now and I've been her fixer all her life - bandaid on the knee, encouraging her through social disasters, organising her study. But not now. I need to be clinical as someone else said.

Is your username from the character on TV? She was my favourite and I encouraged my daughter to be as unique and positive as Upsy-Daisy. Hope it works for you too.

[Upsy-Daisy]

Hi BElaine, yes Upsy-Daisy was a favourite character of my daughter when she was little. Oh, to go back to those carefree, toddler days! When at the time I was probably looking forward to the toddler tantrums being over 🙂 Time flies. And perhaps in 10-15 years’ time hopefully our daughters will be strong, independent & happy. But presently we need to be their advocate in an underfunded, flawed health care system. So your words of being clinical is so true.

Today my daughter was discharged from hospital for the 2nd time in 8 days for self harming. I found somethings that she could have used in her room. I’ll be checking her room weekly from now on. Meds are of course locked away, but will be reassessed by her psychiatrist this week. I’m feeling so tired & emotionally drained. But luckily I have supportive colleagues, friends & family. There’s no end in sight to her mental health journey, as it really is up to my daughter to accept that with her BPD diagnosis she should do a 12 week therapy course. But she doesn’t want to. No one can force her. It is hard when a 15yo doesn’t want to help herself - it’s tricky for everyone. I just keep reminding myself to be strong for her, love & support her. It’s all I can do.

[ElleVinnie]

Hi Upsy-Daisy,

I agree with you in that it's so much harder when they don't want to help themselves. My daughter currently is basically waiting (or hoping) for the medication to 'magically' make her feel better so she will have the motivation to do things. She is self neglecting, we can't get her to shower or brush her teeth. She doesn't see there's a need to look after her body or her health. We (and the psychiatrist) can't make her understand that she needs to be the one who takes some level of responsibility for her condition to improve. We need to go little step at a time but she needs to be willing to take the steps that are suggested to her. Her view of the whole situation is backward. She has a psychologist she's been seeing recently but she's very reluctant to continue with the therapy sessions because 'they do nothing, they're not helping, they make her stressed and anxious every time, they make her worse...'. Her sleeping pattern is all over the place. She has Melatonin but refuses to take them. SH is still in the picture and SH urges and suicidal thoughts, according to her, are there all the time.

Even with the support of our own psychologist, my husband and I are finding it extremely hard to cope. We have to be patient and strong for our daughter. I always remind myself our daughter is the one who is suffering the most. We can't be the ones to break or to give up first. Still, that feeling of helplessness and frustration is hard to bear. I feel for all the parents on this forum, each of you fighting a battle to which it seems to have no end. Let's continue to share and to encourage each other. Lot's of love to each and every one of you. xx

[Sophie_M]

Hi ElleVinnie,

Thank you for sharing this here. It sounds like you’re a really supportive parent, and your family has been through a lot. We hope you can find some comfort and understanding on this forum, where other community members can really relate to what you’re going through.

It sounds like you’re doing everything you can to help your daughter. It’s really hard when treatment and therapy aren’t immediately successful, or aren't engaged with right away, and it can be a really difficult journey. You’ve taken some incredibly important steps and we hope you can see how inspiring that is.

It’s good to hear that you and your partner are seeing a psychologist. It’s so important, that while caring for your daughter, you are aware of your own emotional wellbeing. You can call the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636, or our friends at Carers Australia on 1800 242 636. They offer short-term counselling, emotional and psychological support services for carers and their families  You could also check in with Parentline, who have a number for each state listed here.

Thank you again for sharing here, we hope it helps you to hear from and share with people who understand what you’re going through. Please keep us updated whenever you feel comfortable to do so. We’re sure others on this thread will appreciate it as much as we do, and will share in kind their advice and understanding.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[quirkywords]

Many decades ago , Elle Vinnie , I was a teenager who could not get out of bed, rarely washed and was in denial and refused medication. Then in a few weeks I would be having two showers day, talking at 100 miles an hour, taking risks, and very impatient.

As a parent now I can see how worried they would have been but it was so confusing for me.

Everyone here sounds like very patient caring parents . I felt the more my parents tried to get me to do something the more I would refuse to. Sometimes the self loathing makes it so hard to care for oneself.
Sophie has given helpful suggestions.

parents please look after yourselves. your children do appreciate that you care but may not be able to show it,