Depressed daughter *Trigger warning - self harm*

[Blue_Basil]

Hello,

First time posting.

My 15 year old daughter has been suffering from depression for almost a year now.
I am not sure what event caused it or if it is a combination but her first real boyfriend broke up with her last year. Her best friend moved overseas and her friendship circle broke down. I believe the fact that one of her friends in particular started communicating with me about my daughters struggles may have caused friction in the group and my daughter now feels guilt over that also.
She has been self harming, eating less and less each day and withdrawn from her friends and everything that she used to love.
I've tried 2 counsellors but she doesn't want to talk to them. She opens up a little to the guidance officer at school which is good but besides that doesn't talk to anyone about her struggles.
She has body image issues and has lost a lot of weight, also refusing to eat in front of people.
We've been to a Dr today and had blood tests done after she disclosed feeling often dizzy and light headed to the GO.
I'd love to hear from others who have been through this. Its so shattering to watch her go through this.
Previously I'd become all emotional and jump into 'fix it' mode but I am now learning to keep calm and offer support rather than advise.

Thanks

[Sophie_M]

Hi Blue Basil,

Thanks for reaching out here today. We're really sorry to hear that your daughter is going through so much at the moment. We understand that you must be feeling very concerned for her, but she sounds very lucky to have such a caring parent like yourself. Please know that you've come to a safe space to talk about these thoughts and feelings and our wonderful community is here to offer as much support and advice as you need.

If you would like some professional advice on how to best proceed, you might like to try Parentline. Parentline is a confidential telephone service providing free professional counselling and support in Queensland and the Northern Territory for parents and carers. Their phones are open every day from 8am – 10pm, while WebChat is available every day from 8am – 9pm at https://parentline.com.au/

You might also consider getting in touch with an organisation called the Butterfly Foundation which offers support for eating disorders and body image issues. We'd recommend you check out their website - https://butterfly.org.au/

Thanks again for reaching out here. Hopefully some of our community will be by over the next few days to welcome you.

[Blue_Basil]

Thank you. I did not know about these services, I will reach out.

[Doolhof]

Hi Blue Basil,

Welcome to the community here. I'm really sorry to read about your daughter and all she is experiencing. I am so impressed with how you are trying to help her.

Sophie_M has recommended some places you can receive help and advice for your daughter. I don't have children but have experienced depression on and off since I was about 12.

I've seen many different types of journals advertised for assisting with mental health aimed at all age groups. I am wondering if a tool like this might help your daughter.

I'd also like to suggest you find ways to care for and look after yourself in all of this. I can only imagine how devastated you feel at times. Finding ways to enhance your own life will provide you with more energy strength and care for your daughter.

I hope you find ways to break through her thoughts so she really knows how much you love and care for her. A depressed mind can screw up our reality.

Wishing you both much care and hope you are soon travelling through this. Best wishes from Dools.

[Sammy_123]

Hi Blue Basil,

This is my first day here too, my daughter is also 15 and we have been going through similar things for the past year also, she is a chronic self harmer and it is to the point now I don't think she has an un-scared body part even her face is damaged:( we have been in and out of hospital on numerous occasions and are currently living in despair. we have been to all the Dr's and the only answer we get is that we must accept this, and accept that she will probably get worse. i have also switched off my emotions when i am around her and have learnt to become very clinical instead of just being her mum. Which is truly heartbreaking as she is my only child and we were incredibly close not that long ago. I wish I could give some more positive insight, but at least I can understand your heartbreak and devastation. Its also nice to see I am not alone.

[ElleVinnie]

Hi Blue Basil and Sammy 123,

My daughter is turning 15 in a few months. She has been battling depression and anxiety for over a year. To some extent I'm in a similar situation as both of you. She has taken to SH a few months ago and the frequency and intensity of her SH have escalated quickly. She's now a chronic SHer and admitted that a large portion of that is in an addictive nature. (she also has suicidal thoughts constantly). Last year she had a hard time with friendship because those friends she had do not understand her struggles. By the end of last year she successfully became part of a new friendship group within which she's able to find emotional support and empathy. This should be a big positive under the circumstance. However we came to know over time that most of her friends in this new group also suffer from mental illness and SH. One of them that we know of has had suicidal attempt(s) in the past. I can understand why they're drawn to each other because they 'understand' one another. But what I find concerning is that I'm almost like looking at a cluster of self harmers who don't see SH as a problem any more. They would (according to my daugher) compare SH wounds sometimes, when they go deep it's something to be proud of. My daughter is already seeing a psychhiatrist and psychologist, and the school counsellor is also involved. She's also on medication. But nothing seems to be making much difference for her. She said yesterday that she doesn't want to get better because there's no point. One is eventually going to die anyway so why does anything matter? She has no goal or vision in life and no self worth. Nothing that she looks forward to and she sees no future. She used to be doing really well academically up until last year but now she doesn't care about school any more. Her current friends are the ONLY reason she's alive she said. These friends are her only safety net at the moment. It's heartbreaking for parents to hear things like this from their own child. She feels like a total stranger to me sometimes. How do you help someone who doesn't want to get better? How do you break a SH cycle when the action is constantly reinforced by her closest immediate support network? I'm sorry I ended up ranting on about my own situation and ain't able to offer any positive insights. My husband and I are in a state of despair and we'll be seeing a psychologist for ourselves for the first time this week. We just feel so lost and helpless...

[Sophie_M]

Hey ElleVinnie,

Thank you so much for sharing your journey here with our kind community. We can hear the love and concern that you have for your daughter, and we are are so sorry to hear what you've been going through. It sounds like you've taken some really important steps in helping your daughter to see a range of mental health supports, and it is important that you too receive support during this overwhelming time.

Please know that our Beyond Blue Support Service is also always here for you if you'd like to talk these feelings through, anytime on 1300 22 4636, as well as through Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. Our friends at Lifeline are also here for you 24/7 on 13 11 14 whenever things are feeling overwhelming to cope with.

If your daughter is interested, she may also like to reach out for extra support from the kind counsellors at Kids Helpline, who are available 24/7 on 1800 55 1800, as well as through online chat here: https://kidshelpline.com.au

You are not alone in this, and we hope that you feelk free to keep updating us on how you're going whenever you feel ready.

[ElleVinnie]

Thank you Sophie_M. It’s such a difficult journey with no finishing line in sight yet but it’s always comforting to know I’m not alone and many parents and carers out there are fighting their battles as well at the same time. Thanks for sharing the resources. I hope next time I post an update here there’s positive news.

[Upsy-Daisy]

Hi Elle-Vinnie, it’s my 1st post ever on any forum & your experiences & concerns about your beautiful daughter mirror mine.

My 15yo also has a clique of SH’ers at school. I worry that she doesn’t see how dangerous SH is because it’s “normalised” by her friends & on social media. The way I’ve coped is by letting go. Not in the “hands up in the air - I don’t care” way. But just being there if she wants to talk & then I’ll stop what I’m doing & properly listen - then paraphrase back so I understand her clearly. I can never fully understand what she’s going through & I feel helpless & hopeless that I can’t “fix” my mentally unwell daughter. But I love her so very much, as you do with your daughter. We have reached out to medical practitioners who medicate, provide safety plans & strategies. It’s been nearly a year trying to get her the help she needs on this mental health merry-go-round & her journey isn’t over. But we can only support them & love them.

My friend sent me a “holding space” extract which resonated with me. With open hearts & no judgement we need to be there for them. It’s giving up fixing, judgement & control. It’s about providing unconditional love. It sounds so easy, but I struggle! I’m not a perfect Mum. No one is. But I hope that our daughters will be happy and well again soon.
Oh, and make sure you & your hubby reaches out for support from family & friends. You need to do self care at this stressful time. So be kind to yourself too. All the best 🙂

[Sophie_M]

Hi Upsy-Daisy,

Welcome to the forum, it' so great to have you join us. It must be so difficult to see your daughter normalise SH and to put so many supports in place for her, only to have to sit back and hope for the best. Indeed, it can be quite difficult when it comes to children as we cannot control their every move. We can understand that after trying to put in so many services in place, the best thing to do is to stay approachable in the hopes that our teens come to us in their times of need. This must be challenging for you to do and wondering if you are seeking supports for yourself in order for you to be there for your family?

If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

If ever you wanted to get some advice you are always welcome to get in touch with Kids Helpline. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under.  

Here are some articles for you to read if you think they will be helpful:
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/feeling-suicidal/self-harm-and-self-injur... 
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/supporting-someone 

Welcome again to the community, you are not alone and we are here to support you.