can someone love me properly if they dont love themselves?

[jane_1]

Hi all,

To give you some context, i have been with my partner for 2.5 years. When we first starting dating they had anxiety ( i do too and we bonded over this, feeling we understood eachother), but over the years they  have been diagnosed by their psychologist with pure OCD and struggles with depression. 

Although i experience my own mental health difficulties, i have never experienced depression so i dont fully understand how hard it is. But my partner sadly, hates themselves, and no matter how hard i love them its not enough to make them love themself. 

My partner is also not engaging in therapy consistently and prioritises their student life (which is a driver and exacerbates their depression due to feeling inadequate and incompetent). I have tried many times to encourage them to book many sessions in (as i know how booked up psychs get) but they dont do it. I dont even think they are doing ERP (exposure therapy - gold standard for OCD). 

Because they are  so consumed in their own head, they are often low when we are together, or forget about me and has it a toll on me. As someone who has a very high emotional deprivation and defective schema myself (currently doing schema therapy), i am someone who needs to be shown how much someome loves me. They have told me that sometimes they just cant give anymore. 

I love this person so much but i dont know if this relationship is doomed. Recently, i have been contemplating whether it would be better for them to work on themselves without being in a relationship, to heal themselves. But can they work on themselves alongside me? I feel very lost. 

If you have any sort of experience with this or advice, i would appreciate it so much. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

This is a problem for you because you have difficulty in finding solutions. I hope I can help.

Many people that have any mental illness are either in denial or treatment is on a low priority on life's list. In these situations it can be pointless and even damaging (to your relationship) to push them to conform to the appointments as they dont see the seriousness or the benefits of attending professionals that can help them. I know for me with bipolar etc I didnt have the endurance of several years of therapy... 12 months I was done. Remember, he's an adult and it's up to him to make that call to get help, it's not really your role to remind him, maybe subtly and thats it!

I could suggest that focussing on his abilities rather than his disabilities will give him support he might flourish with. A hobby, sport, interest he has might well rejuvenate his interest and be a major distraction of his struggles. 

Depression is a feeling of no motivation, low self worth, no feeling good about life, sensitivity etc. It isnt something that you just snap out of. So partners often get upset after trying to cheer them up, better to wait till the depression cycle begins to pass eg "I'm feeling better today, might go for a walk" they say, then you capitalise "how about that large park, can I walk with you and we can enjoy a coffee at the cafe"? I call it the "timing of motivation"

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/depression-and-the-timing-of-motivation/td-p/149708

Your own needs are also important and there is a risk that if your needs aren't met to some satisfaction then a relationship might not work out. As a carer of a friend of mine told his partner- "As much as I love you I'm not your nurse and I do need a life whereby happiness plays a part".  Not long after they separated.  

I'd like to mention my wife and I. She has clinical depression. I have bipolar, dysthymia, high functioning autism. Most times we complement each other, her down me up- no problem and visa versa. But when we are both low we clash so we have an agreement that we remain less involved with each other for about 2 days. Works great. You might need to find your niche.

Re: " Recently, i have been contemplating whether it would be better for them to work on themselves without being in a relationship, to heal themselves."  I've heard that suggested a number of times. The answer IMO is no. It rarely works if at all. The reason being is that their personality doesn't change and their illness doesnt cure, the only thing that might improve is how they cope with it, however, living alone they are less likely to pursue any treatment... emphasis on "less likely".

Re: "But can they work on themselves alongside me? I feel very lost."  There is a big difference in getting treatment and "working alongside me". Partners benefit their ill partner with general support, research and discussion as a release. It barely scratches the surface of the professional but your support can be daily in small ways so that you both benefit whereas professionals are one hour every few months. I hope thats in perspective. There's a limit you can flood your lives with mental illness before it dominates. Life must be a mix of some of that and comedy, laughing, social life and compatibility.

So your role is crucial but defined as a supporter not a fixer, a partner not a analyser, a friend that hopefully ends up a better friend. But if you dont find fulfillment then the relationship is what has failed its just the issues with mental illnesses that is the catalyst. No different than an addiction that ruins a relationship. Therefore you could not be blamed for trying.

Reply anytime and take care

TonyWK 

[jane_1]

Hi Tony, 

Thank you so much for your response and for sharing your experience with me. 

The lines of supporting him and trying to "fix" him become very blurred for me as, for context, i am an aspiring psychologist and this can get in the way sometimes.

My question is how do i ensure i am also receiving what i need out of the relationship when this cycle is lasting a lot longer than usual? (I feel guilty and selfish even asking that). How do i support him without also feeling drained myself? I also find it hard to be honest with him when i am feeling drained because i know he will think he is a burden to me.

Jane

[therising]

Hi Jane

You sound like such a beautiful, thoughtful, caring and deeply feeling person.

With me having been married to the same guy for 23 years, I'd have to say the healthiest kind of relationship can involve the 'teacher' aspect. When we're teaching each other or learning from each other how to gradually 'wake up' or become more conscious of things, we can definitely do this together. It can be a slow and sometimes painful process at times, for sure. It can challenge us and seriously test us at times. I don't believe a relationship can work if one out of the couple is largely self focused and closed minded. It sounds like you could possibly manage to wake up together but maybe the process will look very different for the both of you, partly based on your different natures and influences (history and people included).

Regarding the love factor, it was my daughter who woke me up to the concept of 'The 5 love languages'. Btw, my daughter and son are 2 of my all time great teachers in life. With the idea of 'love languages' suddenly a lot began to make sense when it came to the difference between myself and my husband/partner. While he relies on 'Words of affirmation' and 'Physical touch' in order to feel and express love, I don't. I tend to feel and express love through 'Acts of service'. While I don't feel loved through being told I'm loved and being hugged/comforted a lot by my husband, I do feel loved by how my kids serve me in so many other ways. Within times of deep depression, I feel a deep sense of love through how my kids may wonder with me as to why I can feel myself suffering so much, helping me identify my reasons and triggers. They don't leave me to wonder alone. I feel loved by my son when he leads me to laughter (he's a natural comedian and a bit of a clown). I feel loved by my daughter when she inspires me to tap into the intolerant part of myself, which is upstanding when it comes to where my boundaries are and how I deserve to be treated. The list goes on when it comes to all the ways in which my kids serve me in loving me to life or back to life. It was my daughter who pointed out to me that I feel love in the same ways I give or express my love towards others. 

Maybe this is something you and your partner could wonder about, what kind of lover of people he is. The reason I mention this is based on how 'broken' I used to feel. I used to get really down on myself and question 'What's wrong with me? Why did I used to be someone who verbally and physically expressed love and now I'm not?'. The short and simple answer is 'My nature changed'. Now I love differently. As I've said to my husband 'If you serve me through bringing me and certain emotions to life in different ways in this relationship, I will feel no choice but to embrace you and tell you how much I love you'.  

How does your partner love you or feel loved by you? Through

• Words of affirmation and/or
• Acts of Service and/or
• Gift giving and/or
• Quality time and/or
• Physical touch

The way we love others can also point to how we can gradually come to love ourself, such as with the words we say to ourself (affirmations) or the ways in which we come to serve ourself and our own positive evolution (acts of service). ❤️