BDP Fiance

alexisonfire94 · ‎30-05-2018

Hi All,

I am new to this community and need some advice. I have been in a relationship with someone for 5 years now who has driven me absolutely crazy at times and we have both wondered if he has bipolar, but now I am realizing he is a classic BDP. He isn't interested in hearing it because he doesn't want to 'label' himself anymore. We have bought a house together and have plans to get married but all of a sudden he wants to ditch it all and go travelling in a van. I AM SO CONFUSED. He gets really depressed at times, even crying, because he can't achieve this new dream. Before all this, he would get angry and depressed because he hated his job, but he refuses to try to learn something new. He is always dissatisfied with something. We have broken up before and he spent the entire time calling and texting me begging me to still talk to him. I really don't know what to do. I love him, but is it ever going to get better??? If anyone is in a BDP relationship please help me.

JessF · ‎30-05-2018

Hello alexisonfire94, welcome here. I am going to be direct on this one...I don't think it is helpful to throw around labels for mental illness when someone has not been in touch with a professional. It sounds like you both may have been looking up symptoms and seeing if they fit his behaviour, which is a recipe for disaster as it is guesswork, and doesn't help you to deal with the problem behaviour. The only way to know is to see a professional and find out, and look at what options there are for treatment.

So where does that leave you if he won't seek professional help? Well either way, you are in a relationship where there is behaviour causing you problems. Whether or not there is a mental illness in play, you will both need to sit down together and work through the specific issues and how you will deal with them. Couples therapy might be an option in this regard.

Issues you might discuss together: his anger and depression about his job, his unwillingness to do anything about it, and how that affects you. His desire to leave you and go travelling, and how that makes you feel. His dissatisfaction with life, and how that makes you feel about your life together. Are you seeing a pattern here? While you can't make him seek help, or change his behaviour, you can make a decision about how much you are willing to put up with, and give him the best opportunity to see how his behaviour is affecting you.

A diagnosis won't change the core problems happening in your relationship that you are describing, that is work the two of you will need to do together.

alexisonfire94 · ‎30-05-2018

Hi JessF,

Thank you for your reply. I probably should have mentioned in my post that my guess that my partner has BDP did come from the suggestion of a registered psychologist. We went to see a couples counselor together and she sent me some info about BDP afterwards as my partner talked a lot about the abandonment issues he has with his dad during our session.... You are right, there is no formal diagnosis but she did want us to go again to keep working on it

james1 · ‎30-05-2018

Hello alexisisonfire,

Yes, I am in one but I am the one who exhibits traits of BPD (I am guessing you are talking about borderline personality disorder?).

I think it might be a good idea to go back to that psychologist if possible together, otherwise on your own. As JessF suggested, treating the BPD won't fix the relationship. You need to both work on the relationship, and your partner also needs to separately work on his BPD symptoms.

To explain, one of the relationship difficulties I have had is feeling like I am being abandoned all the time. If I was to treat my abandonment fears, I still wouldn't know what signals my partner was giving me when she was feeling frustrated or needed time out or was just tired. Perhaps I wouldn't be so hypersensitive, but I still wouldn't know how she felt and we would still have relationship difficulties. I could only know, and be able to ask without being worried, by having these difficult conversations about how we relate to each other.

So I think it was a really good thing that you two went to see a couples counsellor. I'd really recommend looking at that as the way to work on your relationship. His BPD symptoms are a separate thing to discuss with a doctor who knows about BPD therapies.

I hope that helps

James