Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 2

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Digital & Gambling Addiction Self-Exclusion

replies: 1

Yes digital and gambling addiction are real but none of the big tech companies are doing anything about it. I asked a fried to please put PARENTAL CONTROLS on all of my devices and it worked. 90 days ago I made a commitment on New Years and the parental controls was the only thing that helped me change my habits. Then I was beginning to wonder why it’s so hard, it’s because big tech companies don’t want us to self-exclude, they rely on our addictions to make profit. It’s too easy to bypass and we need a digital self-exclusion mechanism built into Apple/Microsoft/Google accounts. The App Stores keep making money, so of course they don’t want to implement this. But we need this. Self exclusion from institutions is easy to regulate, but not easy from a digital perspective. Let’s be the people who change this, and get regulators to enforce this with big tech. Are there any politicians who can help us extend self-exclusion into iPhones/Samsung/Tablets in the design of the products??

Relapsed and isolated alcoholic dad don’t know how to get him to get help

replies: 1

My father has been an alcoholic my whole entire life. He has caused my family and myself a lot of trauma, despite this my heart breaks for him because it all stems from his own issues he never got help for. He went to rehab and came out early claiming to be capable. He unfortunately released and I have put on a brave face and do the best I can to be there without triggering my own mental health struggles. He doesn’t eat, he doesn’t shower or take care of himself, he locks himself in his room, his health is fine but he makes excuses that his health is bad and he is too unwell to do anything. Which, yes mentally he is unwell but won’t get help. He attempted to come off his medication alone and I believe that to be the reason for why he is starting to believe things that he has made up in his own mind thinking everyone is against him. He claims he wants to move away and start another life but he has nothing to his name and he will go and just blow all his last remaining money to end up with absolutely nothing. It breaks my heart and I just don’t know what to do. I can’t personally help him because it’s too painful, as well as the fact it’s professional help he desperately needs that we can’t provide ourselves. We have tried to get him to get help but he doesn’t want to go help and his narcissistic tendencies due to the alcohol causes a lot of distress to the family that we are at a loss of what to do. His behaviours tigger my ptsd that I have worked on and am still working on. It makes me feel so guilty that I can’t do more because when I do it takes a massive toll on my own mental health. I want him to get the help he needs and be better for his own health and for my family and myself to be able to build our relationships back up with him.

I need help for my wife with medication

replies: 4

Hello, my wife and I immigrated to Australia a year ago from Uruguay. She suffers from depression, but at times, we were able to manage it with a psychologist and medication. Later, she stopped taking the medication and turned to yoga and meditation, and it was working, as she never had luck with psychologists; they never understood or supported her. The issue is that moving to this country has been challenging, mainly due to the language barrier. Even though she speaks, understanding is difficult, especially under social pressure. This makes it incredibly tough for her. Moreover, for now, the only jobs she can find are in cleaning and hospitality, which brings her down a lot. We've been married for 6 years, and I always want to help her, but I'm not the best support since many times I don't have the right words to say, and sometimes I even make it worse with misunderstood words. These days, she reached a point where everything overwhelmed her, and she wants to take medication or something alternative to reduce her discomfort, even if only for a while. We have medical insurance,, but I don't know how things work in the country, so I'm reaching out to you to get opinions. I want to do everything possible to make her feel better and seek this information to help her. Thank you very much for reading everything.

How to support and manage my alcoholic father who was recently diagnosed with cancer

replies: 1

My father, whom I don't have the best relationship with has just been diagnosed with prostate cancer. I believe my father is a a narcissist due to behaviours he has displayed. He is also a highly functioning alcoholic. He has taken no care of himself or his health for essentially his entire life he avoids doctors due to anxiety. My husband and I have been supporting him through this diagnosis, even with the very vague amount of information provided to us about his cancer. We do ask regularly, he is just very tactile with the information he provides us. We have been taking him to and from appointments ect, offering him a place to stay and a hand while he's recovering. Each appointment he has been drunk and clearly stinks of drink. My concern is, essentially every single day since this diagnosis he gets off his head drunk. Then lays in bed all day the next day and doesn't eat. When we call in to his house he says he's feeling "sick" and ushers us away. Which before this diagnosis he actually had no idea he had cancer as he had no symptoms. This is something that has been happening for a long as I can remember, even though he denies it. However it has gotten significantly worse since the diagnosis. We now have real concerns that he was not honest with us about the cancer diagnosis. It may possibly be worse than he let on originally due to his behaviour. He has called me so many times drunk, can barley even get his words out and non-sensical crying saying his life is over for the last few weeks. This is really disturbing for me. He keeps saying he's not going to get time with his granddaughter (who he's essentially spent no time with anyway). It seems very odd that someone who received good news, that cancer was isolated to one area would behave like this. I do not know how to approach this subject with him as he is very dismissive towards me. Difficult to communicate with and oftentimes just downright mean towards me. He is due to have surgery next week to remove his prostate. I have insisted he stays at my place to help him with recovery from surgery, which he is adamant he doesn't want to. He has no help at home so he does need the help. I also want to see first hand if he is going to be drinking or not as he has always denied his drinking behaviours. Nothing stops this man from getting his drink. He is constantly drunk. He has had many incidents of drink driving and accidents with his vehicle that I don't know how he can deny it to my face. He has been putting his health at such significant risk with the drinking over many years now that it is incomprehensible to me that he could consider something like this was a possibility OR WORSE ! How to I even approach the subject of reducing drinking if he values his health and while going through this treatment? Please help?

BPD son in prison, I’m over it

replies: 124

My son has been arrested for the second time. He was arrested in 2015, trial and sentencing in 2016, released 2018. I believed him when he said he didn’t do it. He has BPD. I thought he had turned the corner and was getting his life on track. Had started studying, got a job, seemed to be ok. Then last week he was arrested again. He went before a judge, remanded in custody until end of April, no bail. His name suppressed. I don’t know what he has been charged with but have been told it’s serious. I don’t know what to think or what to do. I don’t think I know my son at all. I know longer trust him, I really don’t want to deal with it but there is no one else. I’m angry and sad. Other than my partner nobody knows. I’d rather he just didn’t exist anymore. I’m a terrible mother for thinking.

How to approach my 19 year old son about his possible depression

replies: 5

Hi My 19-year-old son has all the signs of depression. My GP agrees with me. But I have no idea how to approach him about it. My wife says to find a doctor, make an appointment, and force him to go. But I want to take a gentler approach and find some way to talk to him about it and make it look like we are ganging up on him. How would you go about talking to him about it? Puggs

Partner's depression

replies: 7

Hi... My partner is 39 years old and severely depressed. He's also an addict which really doesn't help with his depression obviously. We've been together 5 years and there's a 10 year age gap between us, him being the oldest. He absolutely refuses to get help, dismisses me when I suggest counselling, dismisses me when I attempt to bring up his mental health in general. He can be very hostile, says really nasty things and if I get upset he gets angrier saying I'm too sensitive and he is 'sick of having to worry about how I feel', which just ends up in me walking on eggshells pretending I'm not upset while he continues to take his depression out on me. I don't believe I'm too sensitive, I think being upset at being spoken to that way is justified. I don't know what to do, the thought of trying to have a conversation with him about it is exhausting, I just know I will be dismissed or spoken to like I'm stupid but I love him and don't want to end the relationship. The whole situation builds up this resentment in me because I can't believe that he would continue to feel like this and because of it, treat those around him like crap and still refuse to do something about it...is it wrong of me to think that as so selfish? Perhaps it is...I'm trying to be patient. Any advice would be appreciated.

Wife Feft

replies: 2

Wife LeftResided in China for 20 years, married a Chinese women some 10 years ago ,(wife is 35 and myself 77 now) returned to Australia 4 years ago and with child and wife, she is very unhappy, myself not perfect some lies were told in our marriage but I am to blame on all most everything, she suffers depression blame me for it, suggesting I should see a therapist instead of her . Sone after our daughter was born the she become aggressive and insulting and swearing at me angry at not listening at her advice about company matters, on many occasions she wouldn’t t stop yelling and swearing had to send her home with my driver, trashed the apartment a few times and I let it go thinking it has something to do with post-natal depressions, suggest then she should see a doctor but in China this is a no-no. Then and now, attempting to have some kind of conversation is futile, she constantly interrupts and get very angry. Just before she left our home, told me she was dating on line to find out if she is still desirable and find love , that was very hurtful. My daughter tells me , “mama wants you to die to find another man younger to look after her”. Left home some 3 weeks ago and said she needs time to evaluate our relationship and she wants to come back in two months. For the las 4 year no sex and the level of personal insults toward child and me and swearing is staggering. She said sorry for being a monster but her excuse ‘I am angry’. Twice had to call the police got crazy and attempted to commit suicide and taken to hospital , she convinced the doctors nothing wrong with her, they let he go back home. Despite everything , still ,call me stupid, I have felling’s for the women just very worried to let her back home without her seeking mental help , I have a child and she doesn’t want mom to come back home. The child become withdrawn, lost appetite and stroppy now , she tells me mama hurts her and I am scared of her. As an aside, my wife is a very intelligent lady, I employed her in China as my translators, and she had a BS in Exterior Commence, she told her self very fluent in English and turns that she was very efficient in to running my aerospace business, year later she become partner in to the business. My wife had an affinity to the western world and at my retiring we moved to Australia. Once she become an Australian citizen she enrolls at the universities to study law , first year passing all examination with very high percentage and she got herself a part time job as a clerical in a local law firm. She has a golden heart and shares with the family. Don’t understand how is possible someone with depression act normal and for some reason becomes a monster. Some time in my mind I think, was I used to a ticked to the west..? Our age gap is huge, then again culturally Chinese women don’t mind age and looks as long the man looks after them. Can folks with depression mask the change of personality..? what can I do to help, let her go to find her own way or keep soldering on..? Respectfullygato

Lost

replies: 2

I’ve got a lot of little things eating me away. I’ve recent lost a friendship with a friend with no real understanding why. I’ve failed at a job interview that I was super experienced and qualified for and I’ve been told that my current role will cease at the end of the year and I’ll have to apply for it if I want to keep doing similar work. I’ll still have a job but it will be doing something else, I don’t know what and at 63, and a specialist in my field, I’m left bewildered and embarrassed. Everyone I work with seemed to think I was really good at my job. I thought I was really good at my job. I thought I was above average at my job. I was clearly wrong. I’m devastated to be honest. My boyfriend smokes weed. We’ve been together 20 years and we have a 19yo old son at uni and living interstate. My BF smokes weed and tries to solve my problem's with really stupid advice that does my head in. . He sometimes restrains me if I try to get away from him. He tells me to stop crying or stop being sad and this makes me worse but I sometimes can’t get away from him. I feel like I hate him. I wish he would go away forever. He’s not engaged in this relationship he’s not interested in being with me. No sex. My friend was my rock but she’s a stoner too. She is 10 years younger and we used to do heaps of cool stuff together like bike riding and lunches and walks. I didn’t spend much time with her in evenings as she was too drunk and stoned. So we were solid daytime friends. Until her son started hanging around hitting on my grown up friends and getting wasted at my place and generally being a pain in the ass. My boyfriend told me he harassed another friend of ours and she was uncomfortable. I spoke to the boys dad, my friends hubby about this behaviour and he agreed it had become a problem. The kid didn’t work and was pulling cones with his mum at 10am. Hubby tried to sort it out and the kid moved out initially in anger, to live with friends in Sydney (and got a job) but my friend got really angry with me and blamed me for him leaving. I later found that my BF denied that anything happened. My friend thinks I made it up because I’m trying to control her life. Now she’s bringing other people into it. I’ve been really understanding of her as a mother myself. But I am super sad that she’s dragging other friends of mine into this. So my bf throws me under a bus, gets in my face when he’s stoned, and my career is ended and I lost my friends. I’m lonely & sad

Sister has isolated herself

replies: 7

My sister is in her mid 30s, lives alone and has completely isolated herself from all family and friends for 3 months. She has stopped going to work. This started just after our paternal Grandma died. She is normally a very active, outgoing and extroverted person. About 5 weeks ago our mum and her bff went around to see her and she agreed to a group chat where we could all post positive things from our days in an attempt to minimise pressure on her to contact us all individually. She had also agreed to begin seeing a psychologist but failed to attend any of the three Telehealth appointments we had set up for her. She is beginning to disengage from the one place we have contact with her and she doesn’t seem to be making any progress or getting any help. We’re at a loss of how to help her.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 2

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Digital & Gambling Addiction Self-Exclusion replies: 1

Relapsed and isolated alcoholic dad don’t know how to get him to get help replies: 1

I need help for my wife with medication replies: 4

How to support and manage my alcoholic father who was recently diagnosed with cancer replies: 1

BPD son in prison, I’m over it replies: 124

How to approach my 19 year old son about his possible depression replies: 5

Partner's depression replies: 7

Wife Feft replies: 2

Lost replies: 2

Sister has isolated herself replies: 7