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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Haurice Living with an alcoholic partner
  • replies: 30

Hi, this is my first post. My partner is an alcoholic. While she’s always had issues with drinking, they’ve become overwhelming and all pervasive in the last four or five years. She drinks to get drunk every day and I’m just devastated. When she drin... View more

Hi, this is my first post. My partner is an alcoholic. While she’s always had issues with drinking, they’ve become overwhelming and all pervasive in the last four or five years. She drinks to get drunk every day and I’m just devastated. When she drinks we can’t communicate at all. The only thing that matters to her is making sure she has enough alcohol. It makes her depressed, angry and argumentative, and I’m the one who wears it, night after night. She only rarely hides her drinking from me, but she does hide it from everyone else. I’ve confided to a close friend, but other than that I don’t think anybody knows - maybe her workplace has guessed, but it hasn’t been raised with her. It makes me feel so alone and isolated. This is the main reason I’ve come to this forum - I don’t want to be the only one carrying this knowledge and stress. My other purpose is to seek advice. She doesn’t want to stop and is currently at the stage of believing it gives her an escape from a life she is dissatisfied with. I feel like I’ve tried everything to help her but she doesn’t want to stop. The burden on me is huge. We both work full time, but after work she just sits around drinking and getting more and more depressed and angry, while I do everything else for the household - cooking, dishes, walking the dog, laundry etc etc. I guess I’m just at a loss for what to do. My mental health is starting to suffer now too. I love her as much as ever, but I’m also angry and frustrated. I’d love to hear from people in similar situations. How do you cope? How do you look after your loved one, while still looking after yourself?

Moominmoo My beautiful 16 year old daughter hates herself.
  • replies: 6

I’ve just spent another night trying every tactic, every loving compassion filled ounce of my soul, to settle my 16year old daughter to sleep. Again. ”I’m ugly, I’m so lonely, I’ll fail anyways, I have no friends, everyone leaves me out, I can’t do t... View more

I’ve just spent another night trying every tactic, every loving compassion filled ounce of my soul, to settle my 16year old daughter to sleep. Again. ”I’m ugly, I’m so lonely, I’ll fail anyways, I have no friends, everyone leaves me out, I can’t do this anymore, why is everything so hard?!” I sit here in desperation watching the wee girl I spent my years as a proud mummy with crumble. Move told her even if she spends every day in bed I’ll still love her and be proud of her. I’ve told her she is amazing. I’ve listened, I’ve booked countless rejected dr and psychology appointments, I’ve tried everything I can think of! Even going so far as to say she is responsible for the happiness in her life, which in hindsight sucked because she sees no happiness! How the hell do parents and teenagers get through this and more importantly how the hell can I guide her, unobtrusively through this?! She just reacts in extreme anger, like throwing things and shouting and swearing in any situation that confronts her. I need a holiday!!!!! helllllllllp!!!!!!!!! waaaahhhhhh!

geoff A Devastating Year 2022
  • replies: 8

Such an awful year 2022 has been so far , now with The Queen passing away in September aged 96, such a strong icon for some many years and has always been on the throne before I was born, unfortunately the same year her husband Prince Phillip died.I ... View more

Such an awful year 2022 has been so far , now with The Queen passing away in September aged 96, such a strong icon for some many years and has always been on the throne before I was born, unfortunately the same year her husband Prince Phillip died.I had so much respect for her but it's not only her, we have lost so many other wonderful people who aren't with us any more this year, it's so devastating.My heart opens up to all and my sincere apologies for those concerned.Take care.Geoff.Life Member.

smaireewall Partner's depression
  • replies: 6

Hi... My partner is 39 years old and severely depressed. He's also an addict which really doesn't help with his depression obviously. We've been together 5 years and there's a 10 year age gap between us, him being the oldest. He absolutely refuses to... View more

Hi... My partner is 39 years old and severely depressed. He's also an addict which really doesn't help with his depression obviously. We've been together 5 years and there's a 10 year age gap between us, him being the oldest. He absolutely refuses to get help, dismisses me when I suggest counselling, dismisses me when I attempt to bring up his mental health in general. He can be very hostile, says really nasty things and if I get upset he gets angrier saying I'm too sensitive and he is 'sick of having to worry about how I feel', which just ends up in me walking on eggshells pretending I'm not upset while he continues to take his depression out on me. I don't believe I'm too sensitive, I think being upset at being spoken to that way is justified. I don't know what to do, the thought of trying to have a conversation with him about it is exhausting, I just know I will be dismissed or spoken to like I'm stupid but I love him and don't want to end the relationship. The whole situation builds up this resentment in me because I can't believe that he would continue to feel like this and because of it, treat those around him like crap and still refuse to do something about it...is it wrong of me to think that as so selfish? Perhaps it is...I'm trying to be patient. Any advice would be appreciated.

815 Supporting a depressed husband - seeking hope
  • replies: 230

I am married to an amazing man. We have been together 20 years, married for 15 and have 2 amazing daughters. We have always stood by each other, and he has always been loving and supportive. Towards the end of last year, my husband told me he was dep... View more

I am married to an amazing man. We have been together 20 years, married for 15 and have 2 amazing daughters. We have always stood by each other, and he has always been loving and supportive. Towards the end of last year, my husband told me he was depressed. At that time, I asked him to get help. He said he didn't want to and we left it at that and things got better for a few months. But for the most part of this year things have been very up and down,. A couple of weeks ago he admitted that he wanted to die. I know nothing about depression so every time we talk about it, I ask him to get help. However over the last few weeks he has stopped talking to me, and started sleeping in our spare room. He has told me that I can't help him, he wants to go it alone, I haven't been there for him, and may other hurtful things. I keep telling myself that it is the depression, but it causes me great pain and sadness. Last week one of his oldest friends contacted me to tell me that my husband had been to see him. He told him he's lost and disconnected, doesn't know where he is, and how or where I stand with him. But his friend told me that he loves me, and that I can't give up, even when/if my husband says he has. He hasn't given up. But I need to be patient and try to find a way to reconnect. I cry every time I think of this. I do believe there is still love there. But I can also appreciate that the depression probably leave very little room for him to feel/see anything else right now. I know the priority is to get him help. However as he keeps refusing, I feel there is little more that I can do. I know he needs professional help and as long as I still have the strength to, I will keep trying to convince him to get help. I am writing this post basically because I need hope. I need to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I need to know that loving him and simply being there for him (even though he says it's not enough) can get us through this. So if anyone has any experience, stories to share, tips and suggestions on how to reconnect, I would be very grateful. I know that it sounds highly idealistic, and we don't live in fairy tales. But I have to keep believing that we will get through this somehow.

Jacah Long distance relationship - boyfriend with depression
  • replies: 4

Hi all, I have been in a long distance relationship for 9 months with a gorgeous man who I love incredibly. We get along so well, and he's just beautiful. When we met he was depressed however I didn't realise, as our relationship started out we were ... View more

Hi all, I have been in a long distance relationship for 9 months with a gorgeous man who I love incredibly. We get along so well, and he's just beautiful. When we met he was depressed however I didn't realise, as our relationship started out we were both so excited and chirpy that I found that both my anxiety, and his depression was nowhere to be seen. We spoke twice a day, texted constantly, about everything and a lot of sexual things. (honeymoon) About 3 months in, he completely plummeted emotionally and asked for a break and for me to cancel all flights and that he could not handle our relationship anymore. It broke my heart. We hardly spoke, hardly messaged. After 2 weeks he apologised, said he couldn't handle the split and that it was a mistake, that he loved me and paid for me to go there. The depression then disappeared again until about 1 month ago. He started a new job, had really high hopes for how it would go. Some pieces he worked on did not go to plan and all of a sudden he started plummeting again. Getting depressed, not texting or calling much, etc. Me, being anxious, has automatically gone into OH GOD mode, worried that he will think that our relationship is causing too much stress again, and will break it off. I feel neglected because he has withdrawn. He mentioned a few weeks back how hard he found this, that he couldn't just see me whenever, and that planning for the future of me moving there felt like loads of pressure too. As a result I have become a sad over thinker and have been too impacted by it emotionally. In summary, I need help with how I can support him and also manage my own expectations. Understand that it's not necessarily me, and how to 'drop those thoughts'. I just love him dearly and he deserves to feel the absolute best and I desperately want him to see that. Also, we have been talking about next year closing the gap. How do I live with someone who is depressed and not get depressed myself? How do I stop getting anxious when I feel neglected? Also, how do I make sure I don't put my own needs and feelings second always? Advice and stories appreciated.

Mell-T Need help
  • replies: 4

My partner is an alcoholic, he has no cut off when he drinks. He is always looking for specials and finds things to do outside to drink. We don't have many friends as he becomes really silly when drinking, he thinks he is funny but honestly it's emba... View more

My partner is an alcoholic, he has no cut off when he drinks. He is always looking for specials and finds things to do outside to drink. We don't have many friends as he becomes really silly when drinking, he thinks he is funny but honestly it's embarrassing. We went to a party not long ago and he was found in a ditch in the yard with his pants down and had to be helped back to the party. Recently our children have started having friends over for sleep overs, I have asked him not to drink when my children have friends here. He passes out in the toilet standing at the bench, kneeling on the floor or outside. I don't want my children to experience this at anytime, let alone when they have friends over. Anything I say to him follows a reply of sure or whatever and he just ignores anything I say and drinks. I'm at my wits end and don't know what more I can do to try and get him to get help. I have offered to go to the doctor with him and support him through this to get help. He just ignores me and continues to drink. His children have asked him to stop and he ignores them too. He was horrible to not only my child but rude to the friend who was over too. I told him it was unacceptable and he needed to apologise, how would he feel if that was his child. He apologised but told the child to make sure they told me and his child that he apologised. This is not ok and I really don't know what to do anymore, he changed jobs which was a good thing and I thought that would help, but nothing has changed. He is on antidepressants and other medications and drinks 2-3 cartons of beer a week, plus sometimes other drinks as well. I don't know how to get him to see how this is affecting his family and for him to understand he needs help and him to get help. I can't keep living this way and don't want my children to grow up thinking this is normal and ok!!

cgsha1 Helping my partner with psychosis
  • replies: 6

My partner suffers from an unusual form of hearing voices. He frequently hears derogatory comments added in whilst either me or someone else is talking, which can also be from the TV/radio. I can't find any helpful information or other similar cases ... View more

My partner suffers from an unusual form of hearing voices. He frequently hears derogatory comments added in whilst either me or someone else is talking, which can also be from the TV/radio. I can't find any helpful information or other similar cases because he doesn't hear any independent voices when nobody is talking. He says the comments are said in my voice and others voice exactly. He has suffered bipolar since he was 20, but this 'mishearing/added speech' started after he smoked ice/meth and weed a few times. He has not taken any drugs for over a year now but the psychosis is persisting. It has led to some delusions which have really hurt our relationship. The main delusion is that I am cheating. This is because he hears comments from me and other people confirming it all the time. For example, the TV at his medical clinic will say 'she is home cheating' or 'she prefers your friend X'. And he says he hears me tell him I'm cheating and prefer his friend constantly. It can be at really unbelievable times, such as the other day he heard me tell the children I teach maths too how much I hate him and prefer this other person. I seem to be the main focus, but he sometimes hears other comments like 'you're stupid or you are boring'. I can deny saying these things until I'm blue in the face, but at times he thinks 'the whole world' is trying to tell him the truth or believes I am 'slipping up' and speaking the truth during normal speech. I know this is absolutely not true but have to answer to constant accusations. He has also packed up all of his things and left for a short period of time at least 10 times over this delusion. There have been a few times when he has also been very verbally abusive and demeaning about me because he became convinced I was cheating, not just with his friend, but also with members of my own family. It makes me feel like I am never being treated like a trustworthy, faithful person. The comments are hurting us both and the delusions have led him to be hypervigilant of me. He checks my phone and sometimes passes my work to check I am there. He is already heavily medicated (both a depot and oral medication). I don't know how to cope or how to advise him. At times I have yelled out of frustration because I am denying what has been said for what feels like the thousandth time. I don't know if anyone has supported someone with something similar or if anyone has any advice, but it would be appreciated!

TheDreamer Realities of being a carer to bipolar.
  • replies: 8

I was on a phone call with my best friend after my partner had a manic episode during one of Melbourne’s 250+ lockdown days and I said, “do you know what sucks. Doing the regular 9-5… pretending to smile and act normal because I’m in a leadership pos... View more

I was on a phone call with my best friend after my partner had a manic episode during one of Melbourne’s 250+ lockdown days and I said, “do you know what sucks. Doing the regular 9-5… pretending to smile and act normal because I’m in a leadership position, pretending I’m totally fine during client meetings..the appearance that everything is fine. And then finishing my job and immediately needing to mange a my partner who is at risk of taking his own life. I mean where do I even go to figure out how to do this. How is this normal?” She replied almost laughing, “absolutely not hun, that is not normal.” Enter, my life. As a carer to a partner who is bipolar, I’m always on, I’m on high alert. It’s like I’m triggered every second of the day because I’m trying to foresee what could go wrong. It’s crisis control. 24/7. Can you imagine living in that heightened state and bedding down a high powered agency job that takes up 50 hours a week and managing a household (thankfully no children!!)) Jeez, I must be superwoman. The truth is, I am fully broken inside. Because I dont know what normal person could function like this. I long for the days when I hear couples on the street speaking about small talk. Going out for a lockdown picnic with their takeaway cocktails, just enjoying the company of being with each other. Reality is, when you’re with a bipolar person that is like a distant dream. Social outings pretty much disappear. I know what you’re thinking. Well why are you still in this relationship. I ask myself that everyday. And the simple answer - love. I do it because I love. He loves me. He challenges me to think bigger, do better… and I am all those things. You push yourself harder than you have, and you realise you love that version of yourself. Its this incredible sense of being and togetherness. This sense of security and intense vulnerability. But of course it comes with a cost. And the cost is expensive. Its a cost that just isn’t sustainable. Because I’m in his realm. His mood defines mine - and thats if I let it. As a carer - it is vital that I see a therapist. Someone who helps me set boundaries. Someone who cares about my mental health and helps me every step of the way. Realise what is, and what isn’t in my control. Whilst some days I execute it flawlessly, other days, I dont. Otherdays, I can’t…. because when someone is at risk of harming themselves. You can’t set boundaries. You go into survival. Anyone else can relate?

TagusL My partner has opened up about his mental health struggles and i am worried for him
  • replies: 2

Hi there,My partner has opened up to me about his mental health struggles and thankfully he is seeking help for it. He is only at the beginning of his journey so he still feeling very low and i am so worried about him. He has tried to push me away te... View more

Hi there,My partner has opened up to me about his mental health struggles and thankfully he is seeking help for it. He is only at the beginning of his journey so he still feeling very low and i am so worried about him. He has tried to push me away telling me he'd be better on his own. I have told him he isn't alone and will be there for him. I'm just wondering is anyone else in this position or have been in the past? What can i do to support him when he is feeling this way.Any advice would be great.