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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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wam Out of ideas, affecting me
  • replies: 2

HiI left my husband 22 years ago, though we've remained friends as parents of two great kids. He's struggled with depression for a long time, and relied heavily on me (only me) for support. I raised our kids here in Australia while he worked overseas... View more

HiI left my husband 22 years ago, though we've remained friends as parents of two great kids. He's struggled with depression for a long time, and relied heavily on me (only me) for support. I raised our kids here in Australia while he worked overseas, without much support myself. He returned to Australia around 5 years ago, stayed at my place while he found somewhere of his own (3 years later, after strong suggestions from me that it was taking too long), and has been struggling badly ever since, living alone. I'm still his only real support, especially when he's very down. There have been two 'threats' of suicide over all this time, and even though I'm sure he'd never do that, the strain of it takes a toll. I feel responsible for him, and although this sounds selfish, like I can never escape. Like it's always dragging me down. I struggle with anxiety myself, and this feels like such a massive weight. I've never remarried, focusing solely on my kids while they grew up, and not really having much of a chance since they left home, given he moved back here almost immediately when they did. I have been trying to get him to get support for years and years, knowing I'm not a psychologist. He has always said it never works (he went twice) and also refuses medication. Until the past week when he's agreed to try again. He still travels for work, and I get messages that he's really down, struggling etc while away. It's awful. I'm totally helpless to help him, I ask if he wants to talk and he doesn't respond. I can now feel it taking its toll on me. I feel my anxiety escalating, it's affecting how I am with others, and my work. I just don't know how to escape this. He has no one else, but even 22 years later, it feels like I can't escape. I really don't know what to do about this. I want to support him, but I don't want this affecting my life as greatly as it does. Any advice very much appreciated.

Har0 What is the cause of my unhappiness?
  • replies: 1

I am seeking clarity for my unhappiness, short temper, loneliness as I've been through a few life changes.Firstly, I moved to an area that is a long hour drive from work, children's school etc and have adapted to this change. I do like being here but... View more

I am seeking clarity for my unhappiness, short temper, loneliness as I've been through a few life changes.Firstly, I moved to an area that is a long hour drive from work, children's school etc and have adapted to this change. I do like being here but tired all the time making sure children don't miss out on things.Secondly, a long on going conversation with partner regarding affection. I'm affectionate but now feel like e an idiot when I approach partner as I het nothing back When we discuss this he says nothing, it occasionally gets too much and I get upset but he's over it and says nothing. Thirdly, my teenager 17, hates everything I say, too strick, never say anything right and I end up in a screaming conversation with then. A lot to take in but I'm over it all and don't know where to start. Never joined antlything like this before. Nervous

Lostwife2 Depressed and suicidal husband
  • replies: 1

I am feeling really lost and confused and don’t know what to do. My husband has suffered from severe anxiety and depression for a very long time (10+ years). He has had breakdowns at various times over the last few years, triggered by changes like bu... View more

I am feeling really lost and confused and don’t know what to do. My husband has suffered from severe anxiety and depression for a very long time (10+ years). He has had breakdowns at various times over the last few years, triggered by changes like buying a house (we withdrew from the sale) and getting a dog. He has withdrawn more and more over the years. He is from the UK and has no family in Australia. My own family support is very limited. At the beginning of the year we bought a house and the day after the purchase he spiraled again. He wanted to withdraw from the sale but we were unable to because it was purchased under auction conditions so was unconditional. He phoned me at work multiple times and begged me to stop the sale and not to sell our current house. He told me that he would not move to the new house with me and our teenage children. He withdrew himself from any aspect of buying or selling and left all decisions to me. We decided that we would relocate to the UK so he could be closer to his family. With my insistence he started to see a counsellor and tried medication but stopped after trialling two different types because both gave him unbearable insomnia and made him feel more suicidal. I took him to the hospital to try and get him admitted but was turned away because he wasn’t suicidal at the time we were there. After selling almost all of our furniture and storing what remained of our possessions we flew to the UK. After almost 2 months there staying with relatives, our children were still not enrolled in a school and my husband had not made any attempt to see a GP or counsellor. He thought no one could help him and he started to talk about suicide again. He had written notes and planned his funeral. I returned to Australia with the children to re-enrol them at school and give them some routine and stability again. I feel so lost and guilty for leaving my husband in the UK and for separating my husband from our children. I don’t know what more to do and it is taking all of my energy to stay strong for my children while my life falls apart.

gilmoregirl I don’t where to turn
  • replies: 2

My husband is suffering from depression and anxiety. The medication he is on at the present has settled the anxiety but the depression is bad. He hardly gets out of bed most days and I’m feeling quite overwhelmed. Both his doctor and psychologist hav... View more

My husband is suffering from depression and anxiety. The medication he is on at the present has settled the anxiety but the depression is bad. He hardly gets out of bed most days and I’m feeling quite overwhelmed. Both his doctor and psychologist have said it’s on him now he needs to make the effort to get up and do things. I have tried to help him by helping him make lists of things to do, suggested by the psychologist but to no avail. My husband acknowledges that he needs to get up but says it’s just too hard and easier to stay in bed. I feel he needs to see a psychiatrist but his doctor doesn’t feels that’s necessary and that it won’t help. Does anyone here experienced anything similar? I just don’t know what to do.

thenotebook Letting go for your own sake -how do you put yourself first for once ?
  • replies: 3

I supported my ex husband for 15 years with his duel diagnoses mental health issues. I finally left due to the fact his addiction was stronger than his desire to be well despite years of rehabs and hospital stays. My business was suffering and he was... View more

I supported my ex husband for 15 years with his duel diagnoses mental health issues. I finally left due to the fact his addiction was stronger than his desire to be well despite years of rehabs and hospital stays. My business was suffering and he was spending everything I had so I had to get money to pay bills from my parents. Suicide threats and possible manipulation kept me staying 5 years longer than I should have. Two years later I let him stay with me for a week so he could start a new job. Now a year later he has lost the job, not worked, refused to leave my house because he has nowhere to go, broken up my relationship, I’ve not had friends at my home, I’m isolated and lonely. He sleeps in his car outside my home for a few hours then knocks on the door, I have pleaded with him to give me space, told him I need someone to help with the bills and rent. I get suicide threats and my house is a prison to me. He keeps promising me money that never comes. He doesn't see it’s effecting my mental health, won’t give me even a night in my own home. He has nowhere to go, parents no help. We sat a spoke that I needed to pay an amount of money by a date so I wouldn’t lose my home. He let me down 6 hours before it was due. This was my last chance to pay. I care for him but he has cost me absolutely everything, I hate to cut him out and I worry and feel guilty so I don’t. Now I have lost my business my home, yelling at him so distressed with my future unsure I don’t have anything left for myself let alone him. The stress brings on psychotic episodes, on top of this, I’m expected to keep looking after him. I feel he sees it that his life is more important than mine and I don’t know what to do. I’m at breaking point myself, I love him but how do i remove him from my life for a while ? I don’t know what to do anymore for him. My life feels like it’s been kidnapped and I’m the only one not getting anything, in fact I’m loosing everything and he refuses to detach from me. im scared he will end up on the streets or harm himself - I can’t sacrifice my life anymore for him but how do you cope with the guilt? Any suggestions, anything that has helped anyone dealing with a similar situation? I’m at a point where I just can’t help anymore and I’m really in a mess financially - I just want to move forward before it’s to late but I need some help for him and some space to fix me.He is unable to work apparently due to his issues. Am I selfish for wanting my life, my freedom and my own mental health healthy? I need to break the chain- everyone has said “I told you so” so I don’t have my friends to lean on. I know this has to be a common situation, how did you deal with it ?

gilmoregirl Husband crying alot, what can I do?
  • replies: 4

Hi, I'm new here and just finding my feet. After over a decade of handling his depression, my husband has had a very major crash. It seemed things were going along not too bad, he had some issues with his new job he had been at for about 6 mths but n... View more

Hi, I'm new here and just finding my feet. After over a decade of handling his depression, my husband has had a very major crash. It seemed things were going along not too bad, he had some issues with his new job he had been at for about 6 mths but nothing he said he couldn't handle. Then a couple of months ago he had a few nights where he wasn't sleeping, and this ended in him having a panic attack. He ended up at the hospital where they gave him medication to sleep. He then saw a doctor who prescribed Olanzapine to help calm him and help him sleep, he has now been on those for 6 weeks or so but they don't seem to be helping him much now. This week he has crashed very badly, with a couple of visits to the hospital and multiple talks with the mental health team. He had a visit with a psychologist which seemed to go well and he seemed much calmer but the very next day and since he can't seem to function without crying. I am at a lost as to what to do and feel so helpless. Has anyone else had a similar experience? How did you deal with it?

RimzM ghosting
  • replies: 1

ghosting is for kids! I lashed out at these 2 girls that ghosted me last year. I know them from social media. autistics are prone to ghosting! they have no idea I'm autistic though!

ghosting is for kids! I lashed out at these 2 girls that ghosted me last year. I know them from social media. autistics are prone to ghosting! they have no idea I'm autistic though!

Violet12 I'm really exhausted psychologically and emotionally. I think I'm setting a deadline in my head for things to get better, or I'll have to leave.
  • replies: 10

Sometimes I think I'm codependent. How do we tell the line between caring/supporting codependence, absorbing their emotions, and letting it totally affect us? I'd really like to hear others' thoughts on that. So I'm here I suppose for a venting sesh.... View more

Sometimes I think I'm codependent. How do we tell the line between caring/supporting codependence, absorbing their emotions, and letting it totally affect us? I'd really like to hear others' thoughts on that. So I'm here I suppose for a venting sesh. My partner is on a waitlist to see a psychiatrist early next year for an assessment to see whether he has ADHD. All signs indicate that he does. I am praying that we can afford that appointment when it comes, which is really iffy, and that we can then also get medication - and, that the medication makes serious improvements. Because... I'm so tired. I'm so over this. I love him. I do not blame him. He did not ask to be this way. But I also did not sign up for this. I think that if the medication doesn't work out, and if he then doesn't actively try in therapy, I might have to leave for my own sake. The emotional rollercoaster, his inability to self-soothe, just everything... It sometimes feels like there's not enough oxygen in this relationship for me. It feels like our relationship has become one where I anticipate and manage and react to his moods, and he feels guilty and hates himself for it but nothing ever changes. Every day since the pandemic last year that kicked this into another level, I feel like I wake up and my day depends on his mood. Will I get to get some work done, maybe think about myself for a few hours, get some housework done? Depends if he has an emotional outburst or not and tells me he hates himself and wishes he had the guts to end his life. It's at least 3 out of 7 days a week lately. I can't do it. I'll wait to see if the medication helps but if it doesn't I'm going to have to leave. How I'll do that knowing he'll be suicidal, I have no idea. But I can't give up my life to sit next to him on the floor.

JustWantToHelp Help in getting depressed adult child to open up
  • replies: 6

Hi all, Hoping to get some advice here. I have an adult child in their early 20s who has been suffering from severe depression for about 18 months. They went to therapy for a little while, but stopped after a handful of sessions as they felt there wa... View more

Hi all, Hoping to get some advice here. I have an adult child in their early 20s who has been suffering from severe depression for about 18 months. They went to therapy for a little while, but stopped after a handful of sessions as they felt there was no benefit. They were also prescribed medication, which did prove helpful to some degree, however, they now appear to have stopped taking that too. I asked them why they stopped and they said that they forget. When I remind them, they just say they've taken it, but I can see they haven't, and now they have hidden the medication or thrown it away. While they go to work (part time) and mostly go to their uni classes, outside of that, they spend all their time locked away in their room. They won't engage with me at all. Even a simple conversation about their day is met with a one word response as they head straight to their room. They typically come up to eat late at night when everyone else has gone to bed. Similarly, when they leave for work in the morning, they don't even make eye contact as they pass and often don't even say goodbye, they just walk out the door. They don't eat with the rest of the family, nor do they accept any invitation to do anything with us. I tried talking with them last night, but they refused to sit down to discuss anything. I had to speak to them from across the room while they stood at the top of the stairs. They wouldn't engage in any conversation whatsoever, so I simply asked them to let me know how I could help them and that I love them and their mental health is my top proirity. Shortly after, they went out to the pub. I sent a long text asking if I've done something/haven't done something that has made them completely withdraw from me. They can't even have a simple, general conversation with me any more. Their reply was simply 'I want to be left alone'. I don't think they're mad at me as we're going overseas together later in the year (which was their idea). It seems obvious to me that they REALLY need to start back on their medication and give therapy another try, but I just don't know how to reach them and have those sorts of discussions if they refuse to engage with me at all. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Bunny6 Bunny
  • replies: 1

Hi guys, My brother used to be highly successful in his job (he is a mechanic). He has been married three times. The last marriage has broken him. He used to 'commute' from Malaysia to WA. His Indonesian wife did nothing (and I mean NOTHING). My brot... View more

Hi guys, My brother used to be highly successful in his job (he is a mechanic). He has been married three times. The last marriage has broken him. He used to 'commute' from Malaysia to WA. His Indonesian wife did nothing (and I mean NOTHING). My brother had to come home after 3 weeks working to have to clean the house as his wife did nothing. She did, however, spend all his money. He is now trying to re-build his life after three years (and doing an awesome job), but he is still becoming drunk. I know that I cannot intervene personally, but, gosh, there are much better ways to live than getting drunk all the time! I don't understand why he 'needs' to drink to excess, but I DO get that he is hurting! I wish I could ease his pain (whatever it is) so he can actually live a wonderful life.... PS. I have progressive MS, so am not especially mobile. Any suggestions are very welcome. PPS. I like a glass or two of white wine, but I have never been drunk. No idea what to do ....