Father and husband

[Isaac220486]

I'm a husband and a father of a 6 month old. Ever since he was born I've struggled to be able to connect with him or my wife. I don't know how to entertain him for a whole day. 

But prior to getting married and becoming a father I struggled with depression. I feel like it's getting worse. I cry a lot and I believe my wife is also suffering from depression. Some things have happened post marriage and it's made it difficult for me to do anything. I struggle to get out of bed. The only thing keeping me going is work. But everything else is a struggle and I don't know what to do anymore. I try and try but nothing is working and I have kind of given up in being a good husband and father. I don't know what to do anymore.

Please help me because I don't want to feel like this anymore

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

Most people at some stage in their lives run off the rails, are confronted with situations that call out for help. 

My ex wife and I had such a siltation. Our first born had colic resulting in not stop crying, wouldn't feed on yhe breastfeeding and with my shift work it was really bad. Our GP said a few things- 1. "I've never known of a baby passing away by crying" and 2. Your baby is a new human that hasn't shown her character yet.

That made us think. Also suddenly your marriage is put aside to cope with this baby. Adjustment time is the least you need. Try to be fair to yourselves.  

I think you know you need an assessment by your GP. The other suggestion is to imagine 9 months time when your baby is walking and your wife has settled in to this major family change.

So yes this hurdle is common, hard to jump over and we need help starting with a GP appointment.

TonyWK 

[therising]

Hi Isaac

You are in good company here, with people who've struggled with depression on top of managing life with a baby, 2 significantly overwhelming and exhausting challenges that can lead to so much sufferance and self doubt. 

While my babies are now 17 and 20 years old, I suffered through post natal depression with both of them toward the end of long term depression (of about 15 years). I came out of long term depression when my daughter was 3 and my son about 8 weeks old. This was through the mind altering impact of post natal depression group therapy, set up by my children's health centre sister. Her guidance changed my life. Since then, I've faced periods in depression based on a variety of different reasons but 2 keys that have always made a massive difference in every case were 1) strong and reliable guidance and 2) compassion, support and understanding. I think we can struggle seriously and painfully without those factors. I'm so glad you've come here in search of those things.

Should start by saying I absolutely love my kids, I adore them to the point where it brings me to tears at times (just looking at them) but emotions aside and truth be told, I had no idea how to connect with them when they were babies. I actually resented them. Remember emotions aside, my babies were basically exhausting (a lot of sleep deprivation there), tormenting, they had no personality (something Tony touches on), they were testing and they triggered every self doubt I had about myself and the list goes on. Just wasn't feeling the love, to put it simply. With a lack of oxytocin being a chemical factor, when it comes to what's natural it's naturally hard to bond with a person who torments the hell out of us in so many ways. Doesn't matter whether it's our own child or a full grown adult. I know I sound a little blunt but I figure there's no point beating around the bush when it comes to what can feel overwhelmingly depressing. Give yourself credit, you're trying your hardest to manage what can feel incredibly depressing for a lot of people who tend not to talk about this kind of stuff.

Parenthood is something I'd describe as a 'learn as you go' experience. It challenges you to find new ways of bonding (whether they be babies or teenagers), new ways of managing exhaustion and self care, new ways of thinking outside the square. It develops the goal setter in us, the wonderer (who wonders about what to do next), the problem solver (finding answers outside the square), the adventurer (adding new ventures), the clown (for men, that's the part that produces all the dad jokes), the financial manager (for all expenses), the sage that holds wisdom and so much more. Parenthood brings new facets of our self to life yet such facets do not come to life easily. There are the unbearable labor pains that can come with them. Our children raise us, pushing us through challenges, to meet with every new facet. They challenge us to find the best in our self. This 'raising' business is a mind altering and life changing 2 way street and one that can be far from easy to manage at times.

Do you think creating solid goals to reach, in strategic ways, could make some difference to you? Ones for yourself and ones for you and your wife to meet, as a team.