I miss my husband

[Aleja-91]

Hi everyone. Just looking to vent over here and maybe find people with similar experiences for some guidance. For the last couple months I've felt completely disconnected from my husband, who used to be the most loving and caring person in the world. He was having a hard time at work, ended up being burnt-out which I assumed was the reason for the disconnection. He wanted to quit which I supported fully and encouraged him to become independent as he is skilled and very talented. I thought this would be a magical fix but it seems there's more .. He told me he is not feeling well and now that I put everything together I think he has signs of either depression or adjustment disorder. I want to be there for him, I want to be understanding and helpful but the truth is, this has been really hard on me too. He has a hard time communicating what he is feeling, so there is a lot of silence.. which is unsettling to me, but I don't want to be pushy either.. so, it's difficult to find that balance. He is not as loving as he used to be, there's no quality time spent together and intimacy in all levels has been severely decreased if not lost. I miss him so much, I miss the relationship and dynamics we had just a few months ago.. there's so much love between us...

I also feel insecure because he was lying to me.. For context, he stopped smoking/vaping ages ago which I've always been very proud of because I am a doctor and everyday all I see is really sick dying people, in part as a consequence of smoking. So, I naturally hate it. But a few days ago I found a hidden vape in the house and even though I realise in the grand scheme of things this could be a ''silly'' lie, I still feel so hurt by it? Just keep thinking that he has lied to me consistently for months and that's not who I thought we were. It could just be his coping mechanism for what he is feeling as well... But in the end I'm just having a hard time coping as well, with his new him, new kind of relationship and mostly not knowing what to do or not. Where is the line between being fully supportive but not drowning in your own feelings or insecurities? I feel so rejected by him 🙁 He says he loves me and I believe him but then why he can't just talk to me or be with me, share with me... We're starting counselling this week and he will start individual therapy but I don't know.. I feel anxious with all the uncertainty. Maybe someone here has some thoughts? Thank you.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Starting therapy as you'd know is a great step forward. Take the opportunity and let him talk about himself to the counsellor rather than correcting him or adding this or that. I say that because of his silence towards you. It is a chance to find some truths.

I'm concerned about his "lies" because even in strong couples relationships we hide things from our partners - why? because we men avoid drama at all costs. He has a smoking addiction and has told you he has given it up so by telling you he is continuing is asking for trouble in his eyes. I dont think it comes under the "lying" verandah.

So, venturing into your romantic past is a strategy I've used. Visit those places that spark memories. My wife and I visit a park we married in when passing through that town and it does wonders for our connection.

"Burn out" has its side effects silence being one common one. Silence is ok as long as it isnt part of a narcissistic (where its used as punishment) and it isnt in this case. That "balance" is indeed difficult to reach in these situations but seeking that balance is also sometimes a sign of trying too hard, expressing that you are there when he is ready might be a consideration.

In order to care for him you have to care for yourself and any neglect of your own well being will only harm your relationship more. Take some time out, window shop, hair dressing appointment etc. The saying "you shouldnt worry what is out of your control might be appropriate. My therapist in 1987 said "Tony, when are you going to stop saving the world". That might also be appropriate.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/worry-worry-worry/td-p/87808

I hope you feel better. Thankyou for sharing.

TonyWK