Supporting husband and I'm exhausted

[Exhausted_mum]

My husband was always so motivated with everything he did. We have both been in the Air Force for 10+ years but a few years ago he got placed in a team that mistreated him and it led to him being burnt out, which then resulted in depression. He has been unable to work for 2 years now. We have 2 young daughters, I have no support from him and I am so tired.   

Even when his going through this he does his best to be a good father but after years of this happening I am sooooooo exhausted and tbh resentful. He was doing really well and it seemed like it was behind us so we tried for another baby. We now have a beautiful 4mo daughter and his barely helped with either of us. It was as if, as soon as she was born he got bad again.

I try to remind myself that his not himself but I feel neglected and the things he says hurt so much. He won't let our friends group know about what's going on at home and when I have mentioned it to people they never understand mental health and seem to think his choosing to be like this.

I feel so alone. Is there a support group or something for partners of people with depression? I just feel so alone and exhausted.

And for those of you with older children. How do you communicate depression with the kids? And how much do you expose them to it?

Any advice is appreciated 🙏

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

it can be really hard for the partner of someone with depression. It is important that you are able to look after yourself and are not impacted too much. Though my fear is, from your post, that you are struggling at the moment yourself. 

Mum looks after dad... she can get frustrated, angry sometimes which is to be expected. Additionally, he (dad) also needs to take some responsibility as well. Please keep in mind they are both in late 70s. Whenever, they would go to the family GP, the GP checks in with mum to see how she is coping as well.

There are some resources on the beyond blue website and a good starting point is here ...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/supporting-someone

If you don't mind me asking one question ... Is your partner getting any professional help at the moment?

Oh I am saddened his friends do not appear to be very supportive. That sucks! 😞

[Squishy13]

Hello Exhausted-mum. I can't relate to the parenting side of things but my partner is in the army and has been burnt out and secretly battling depression for some time.

I completely understand the frustration and resentment. I feel awful admitting that I often feel the same way, but I think it's understandable. It's also very conflicting. I often switch between feeling compassionate and feeling bitter. It is hard to keep those bitter feelings hidden because otherwise things will be worse. So that adds to the resentment and fatigue. 

My friends don't understand either. I know that our relationship is still there somewhere, but it's covered in clutter atm. Sometimes I feel like we're just housemates. When things are worse I wonder how long I can do this for and if the effort will be worth it. What am I missing out on while putting up with this kind of life? Will we have a family like we always talked about and if so, will it make things even worse and will.I be able to count on him as a father and partner? I am in a constant state of confusion. 

I don't have any answers for you but I've been longing for someone who can relate, even searching for support groups in my regional area, to no avail so far. There seems to be a tonne of help available to the people suffering from the condition, but not for the people suffering alongside them. 

Anyway, I hear you and I sympathise, if that counts for anything. 

[vavs]

I know you posted months ago, but I have just read it and I feel the exact same. I’m in the same boat, doing my absolute best to support, but truly overwhelmed and exhausted and questioning is this how my life is meant to play out? Thank you for your post!