Supporting family and friends

Share tips on supporting a partner, family member or friend with a mental health condition, and seeking support for your own wellbeing.

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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

All discussions

Trudyann46 13 year old with anxiety- school camp or not?
  • replies: 4

Hi there my daughter started Year 7 his week and is already extremely anxious about attending a 3 day school camp in March. I really want her to go and participate to feel more involved but she is anxious about being away from home, having to partici... View more

Hi there my daughter started Year 7 his week and is already extremely anxious about attending a 3 day school camp in March. I really want her to go and participate to feel more involved but she is anxious about being away from home, having to participate in activities and being in her swimmers in front of people. She's very paranoid and unhappy with the way she looks but she is not overweight or anything like that. She's adamant she does not need to do team building things like this as she knows these kids already. I have spoken to her year advisor and she won't have to do the activities that concern her but she feels that would make her stand out as well. i have tried to get her to see a psychologist but she hates talking to strangers about her feelings- She was very upset and refused to go back. She does talk to me and tells me how she's feeling. I'm worried that if I force her to go when she's clearly panicked about it that will affect the trust we have and she may not be as open with me. In the big scheme of things is not going to a 3 day camp really so bad?

Redhuta Advice on depressed husband moving back in with us after 6 month separation.
  • replies: 34

Well I have had a roller coaster 6 months with my depressed husband leaving. I have got a long thread about this however I thought I would start this new one. I did move with my two daughters to a smaller place and he has been spending so much time w... View more

Well I have had a roller coaster 6 months with my depressed husband leaving. I have got a long thread about this however I thought I would start this new one. I did move with my two daughters to a smaller place and he has been spending so much time with us over the last couple of months.We spoke the other night and he wants to come back however he is a bit anxious about things going wrong. I understand his anxiety does make him see things in a much more exaggerated manner in my opinion however I am not pushing him. I did tell him that if things were to go wrong we could simply seperate again? I feel like I dont want to pressure him or even sugar coat things however I am not sure how to support his anxiety. The kids will be ecstatic and he has done a lot of work with his psychologist and he is on a great does of medication. He seems like the old man I married however after 6 months I feel we need to get to know each other again romantically as there has been none of that over the separation. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Mr K Overseas relative with cancer diagnosis.
  • replies: 8

Unfortunately, I learned the other day that my elderly (though not nearly elderly enough) Mother had been diagnosed with cancer and there isn't really anything that can be done.Apart from dealing with the shock, I now face the prospect of having to e... View more

Unfortunately, I learned the other day that my elderly (though not nearly elderly enough) Mother had been diagnosed with cancer and there isn't really anything that can be done.Apart from dealing with the shock, I now face the prospect of having to explain this to my kids 7 & 11. I don't have any idea of Mum's time left so I don't know if I should try to visit or what else to do. Mum is literally on the other side of the world. I'm all over the place, trying to keep busy but when alone, I was so upset I was struggling to breathe properly. Some people are telling me to take some time off but if I'm alone, which I would be I think I'd just lappse into utter dispair. I'm so worried about my Mum and my Dad, they are so loving and close. I never think of them as separate people, always together the most loving unit. K.

Purplehummingbird Need help with my husbands porn addiction
  • replies: 4

I believe my husband is addicted to porn. I now believe this has been going on for years. We have been married for 32 years and have 3 adult sons. I saw him using porn a long time ago, I was hurt and shocked and wondered why I was not enough, we were... View more

I believe my husband is addicted to porn. I now believe this has been going on for years. We have been married for 32 years and have 3 adult sons. I saw him using porn a long time ago, I was hurt and shocked and wondered why I was not enough, we were young and having regular sex back then. But I did not say anything. He is a good man and we have a strong relationship, well I thought we did. I am 56 and he is 58. We have not been intimate for about 4 years. My libido crashed when I hit menopause, he was not bothered by this. I just assumed he was losing his too, as there was already evidence of this. But now I think it's because he was using porn. We have not shared a bed for over 20 years. I am a very poor sleeper and he is a snorer. I discovered him using porn about 3 months ago, and since then I have been spying on him and have discovered that is is pretty much a nightly ritual lasting up to 2 hours. He tells me he's tired and is going to bed, gives me a kiss , then goes and looks at porn. Over the years I have tried to initiate intimacy but I am always rejected. Since my recent knowledge of his nightly ritual, I have tried again and been told he's not interested, even that he'd have to take a pill, then he's gone and masturbated to porn. We do nothing more than kiss, hug and hold hands. We do spend a lot of time together, go to movies, dinner, drives and away for weekends etc. He always tells me he loves me so I never thought this was going on. I am feeling betrayed, hurt, angry and very low. I feel like I've been punched in the guts and my heart is breaking. I want to confront him but I'm worried about his reaction. He is also a heavy smoker and a bit of a hoarder. He knows how much this bothers me, but when I bring it up, he gets angry and defensive, so god knows how he will react to this! I am in the process of writing him a letter, which I will read to him, I think this will be the easiest way for me as I generally avoid confrontation. It's also giving me time to think about it and use the right words, but I am still struggling. I am wondering if there is any support out there? I would love to be able to talk to someone, but we are under financial stress. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Petal22 Supporting loved ones going through mental illness
  • replies: 1

Hi Everyone, If you know some one who is struggling please show them LOVE, Understanding and compassion. A mental illness sometimes isn’t visible to the eye but it doesn’t mean it’s not real……… In my experience with mental illness Obsessive Compulsiv... View more

Hi Everyone, If you know some one who is struggling please show them LOVE, Understanding and compassion. A mental illness sometimes isn’t visible to the eye but it doesn’t mean it’s not real……… In my experience with mental illness Obsessive Compulsive Disorder I felt exhausted and terrified I felt like my mind was in an everlasting spiral that I just couldn’t stop….. I lived with this condition day in and day out….. I am grateful that I had such a supportive network while I was going through this condition……. They showed me understanding which is all I really wanted…….. I wasn’t judged or disregarded by my loved ones for what I was going through they just tried to understand and be there for me in the best way that they could be. I will be for ever grateful to one person who stuck by my side through out my journey this person has left a lasting impression on my soul…. This person came to me with a light while I was in the depths of OCD darkness…. You never forget the people who come to you with a light to lead you out of the darkness Maybe YOU could be this person for the one you know who is struggling? I’m now recovered from OCD….. for ever grateful to the ones who supported me…. You are all my earth angels

HeyJupiter Bipolar Partner: Gaslighting and no empathy?
  • replies: 5

I am tired. I have been with my partner, who has bipolar, for 19 years. I am sure it is the same for all of you, but there is so much to say that I do not even know where to start. Also, I do not want anyone to think she is not a good person who has ... View more

I am tired. I have been with my partner, who has bipolar, for 19 years. I am sure it is the same for all of you, but there is so much to say that I do not even know where to start. Also, I do not want anyone to think she is not a good person who has amazing and beautiful characteristics. She is the strongest person I know. I just feel like my experience is absent. Even from me. After 19 years, I can no longer answer questions like "what do I want?" or what is important to me. I find it really hard to make decisions, or to trust in my interpretations. I could count on one hand the number of times in the last few years she has asked about my day, or how I am feeling. Now I am writing that it sounds so petty but it is one thing in a larger context. That context includes me feeling like I need to check with her about everything. Feeling nervous if I need to say something and I am not sure of her reaction. She doesn't say thank you often. I can be talking and she does not respond. Her making decisions about her life as if we are not even in a partnership, like looking for a job where she would be away for months. She says these things definitively - no discussion. If I am sick it is like it is an inconvenience to her. All of this (and more) adds up to me feeling worthless and hurt. I can not say anything that she interprets as criticism - small or big. When I have tried in the past, she somehow turns it all around on me and goes into attack mode. I end up apologising cause I don't want the situation to keep going and to get the silent treatment or make her angry. If I say anything too big, I am afraid she will just say "well that is it then, if you don't like me the way I am then it is over". I don't think she is happy but I am too afraid to have the conversation. I get that I am not perfect, but I try and be a good partner. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. Does this stuff ring true with other people's experiences? Even now I am frightened she will somehow see this and I will be "caught" talking. And this is when things are stable and she is well. We have had more difficult times where she has been very unwell. I am not feeling desperate, though I have many times in the past. I would just appreciate some perspective from people. Thanks for your time.

Dumblond66 Breaking down the "labels" to determine what's actually happening? Without sticking my foot in it.
  • replies: 1

Hi, Im a bit of a straight shooter, which unfortunately leads to me putting my foot in things to often. I feel it makes me look like I am not Empathethic or that I don't understand. I have struggled with manic depression,anxiety and ptsd snice a youn... View more

Hi, Im a bit of a straight shooter, which unfortunately leads to me putting my foot in things to often. I feel it makes me look like I am not Empathethic or that I don't understand. I have struggled with manic depression,anxiety and ptsd snice a younge teenager. I understand. I feel you. But in order for me to process what's going on when trying to assit others I tend to break the "happenings" down, and address why the brain cause this reaction. Which... sometimes mostly puts my foot in it. I am the only person, a family member feels safe talking to because.. I get it. I also live on the other side of the country, which also makes it hard to really surport fam, espically when we choose to isolate ourselves from technology. Back story, fam suffers from manic depression, anxiety ptsd, grief and a history of drug and alcohol addiction and abuse. Fam is still alcohol depent, but medicated for the mental illness side. After a conversation this evening, fam has mentioned voices inside thier head. Attacking or comments left to ponder made by the voice of friends and family (but they are inside her thoughts) and sometimes these thoughts are made into believable deliousons for fam. It's worrying. I'm concerned. I dont believe she is in the best mental mind frame to go and get herself help. I am over the other side of the country. I cannot reach out to other family, for betraying trust, and the dont feel surpoted with closer family, But then my need to break it down into a maths or chemistry problem in order to gain control of a situation ( one of my very own learned not so healthy coping mechanisms) can also send her on another rabbit hole, and very distressed. 1. How can I sound less "you crazy" and more encouraging?When I am going to suggest fam to revisit mental health care plans, and connect with other services eg D&A, and Truma and grief counciling possible psyc too 2. Why do I always end up the arsehole when trying to break down others walls and not only mine?

DuchessRavenwaves1 Housebound elder Parent Depression
  • replies: 3

Hello, my mother is on full-time oxygen and housebound. She's in her mid 70s. Most of us found lockdown rather difficult. However for her it will not really conclude. The downside of the pandemic is she's lost mobility because she was not exercising ... View more

Hello, my mother is on full-time oxygen and housebound. She's in her mid 70s. Most of us found lockdown rather difficult. However for her it will not really conclude. The downside of the pandemic is she's lost mobility because she was not exercising and is now housebound for what will be the remainder of her life. She is an intelligent woman and now very depressed. There's only so many puzzles and tapestries and television shows one can watch. She has portable oxygen but it is so physically taxing for her to be out and about. Studies about depression in elderly housebound people are not giving me much around how to help her. I'm lost and have not clue how to help and she is so sad. She has my father still but the reality of watching everyone live and do things that she can't participate in has her so down. Anyone in a similar position? Any ideas..

MarieKA Seeking advice on getting a loved one to take meds
  • replies: 1

Hi! I’m seeking advice. A loved one (LO) of mine went through a very traumatic breakup a few years ago. There are children involved and so they are now co-parenting with the ex and the relationship is hostile and antagonistic. My LO has undertaken so... View more

Hi! I’m seeking advice. A loved one (LO) of mine went through a very traumatic breakup a few years ago. There are children involved and so they are now co-parenting with the ex and the relationship is hostile and antagonistic. My LO has undertaken some counseling but didn’t find it useful and are not motivated to try again. They have been prescribed antidepressants but refuse to take them. Depression is massively affecting their daily life - they miss appointments, work, breakdown in tears and explode in anger. I have tried to encourage LO to take the meds but they refuse on the basis that what they are feeling is legitimate, they have a right to be angry and broken hearted about what has happened and they don’t want medication to artificially dampen their feelings. They fixate on events that happened years ago, but argue that as they are still living with the outcome (loss of house, strained relationship with children), these are effectively current events. I am no psychologist/doctor but I do think they may be suffering PTSD from the very serious events in the past (this has not been diagnosed though). I haven’t taken ADs myself so struggle to explain how they will help them, but I strongly believe they will (or at least may) be able to help them move forward and find peace. I’ve not been able to find a good explainer of how they might help someone deal with trauma be able to move past it without forgetting it or being artificially ‘happy’ about actual terrible things that have happened. Can anyone help me out, I’m really interested in first person experiences or articles that I could share with my LO. Thanks in advance. Xx

brookelouise Where can we get help for our dad?
  • replies: 1

Hello, I’m new to this but don’t know where else to access help. My dad is 60+ years old, and has lived his life with undiagnosed adhd and as a result, we (his family) believe he has developed quite severe depression. I am wondering if anyone knows o... View more

Hello, I’m new to this but don’t know where else to access help. My dad is 60+ years old, and has lived his life with undiagnosed adhd and as a result, we (his family) believe he has developed quite severe depression. I am wondering if anyone knows of any supports available in South Australiathat could help? He is very resistant to anything involved with emotions, but we really want to get him help.