Being diagnosed with Bipolar.

[TK75]

Hello,

this is very difficult for me to write. In 2012 I had a psychotic episode and was diagnosed with schitzoaffective disorder, a few years after this, complex post traumatic stress disorder, and most recently, bipolar.

I have completely wrecked my life, am currently homeless and am living in short term emergency accommodation. I did a lot of crazy things, which happens to me under duress, I gave away most of my belongings when I had to move out of my rental due to the owners wanting to renovate, wasted a lot of money and gave a lot away. My car broke down and I could no longer travel to work. I can see now I had psychosis and was very angry or sad and just unable to cope. My behaviour was that bad I breached avos and was put in jail for 3 months, then not sentenced because of a section 32 mental illness act, the forensic psychologist said I have psychosis and bipolar. I was then taken to a mental health hospital to be assessed, the doctor discharged me, it was so stressful as I was not from the area, was homeless when released and had no ID, community corrections paid for me to go back .

I feel so ashamed and embarrassed of the things I've done. 18 months ago I had somewhere to live and a job, now I have no rental, they are all too expensive on jobkeeper, no car and no job. Justice heath has not sent a referral and the report to the local mental health as said, so I called a mental health number for a referral and now have to see a Dr for that. The hospital gave me medications on leaving but no script. I feel so depressed and have the worst anxiety of my life, even over doing simple things.

I am finding it incredibly difficult starting over from scratch at 47. I have permanently damaged most relationships. I always denied having a mental health problem but now it is very obvious to me, my erratic behaviour, irrational thoughts, inability to sleep, angry outbursts are just not normal, Im afraid of these things happening again, am just depressed and anxious every day and do not even enjoy the things I used to, I just feel stuck with terrible concentration and an enormous amount of regret.

[white knight]

Hi TK, welcome

I'm sorry to here where you are at. At 40yo I started off again also. I wasnt homeless but I did have a 10ft caravan and that also was where my young daughters slept every second weekend. It was hard times. My mentality was fragile for a few months then slowly I grappled with some positive thoughts about my future. I worked shift work then picked up a second shift work job in security and before I knew it I was able to put a small deposit on a block of land followed by a kit home that I built myself. This level of recovery is extremely hard to generate but it could come over time. How you feel now might not be how you feel in 12 months time or 2 years.

I've noticed you are being har don yourself... "I've completely wrecked my life" etc. Well I'm bipolar also and my ups and downs certainly meant my life prior to correct medication (2009 at 53yo, I'm now 67yo) has changed my life around. So is it us? or is it our illness? The better way to tackle this question is to say to yourself that you'll take full responsibility for your past history but you will do your best to become the better, good man under medication and professional care when you get it. Being fair to yourself is reasonable, listening to those that knew you in the past and still judge you on that history isnt being fair at all. 

As you realise getting back on track takes a number of things to fall into place... mobile phone, income for the mobile phone, income to get accommodation, job to get the income and so on. All these things will seem impossible to co-ordinate and succeed but you can succeed with one step in front of the other and not to have too many expectations of yourself. You are not a superman, you are a human that needs your own support. 

You can have goals, one day goal, one week goal, month, 6 months, 12 months 5 years goals. You might have a goal that once set up again you could help others in your situation now. What a great goal that would be.

There is nothing to be ashamed at. Very rich people that never help other people have more to be ashamed of. Be proud that you have survived this long. Always post here whenever you feel strong enough. I'm here almost daily.

What is tomorrows goal?

TonyWK

[TK75]

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate that.

[quirkywords]

TK75

Thsnks for reaching out here and your honest. 
I was diagnosed with bipolar at 16 and was in denial.

I then spent many years ruining my reputation and creating chaos.
30 years ago  I started medication and have been pretty stable ever since. 
i have felt guilt about my past behaviour.

We are listening to you. 

There is a thread called This bipolar life  which you may want to look at. It is a friendly non judgmental place where everyone is welcome. 

[TK75]

Thank you for 

[TK75]

Thank you for your message quirkywords, I have ruined a lot of friendships and done some crazy things, the funny thing is I have been trying for weeks to be referred to the local Mental Health, as when I was discharged homeless I was given a few days worth of medication, but seeking emergency accommodation was definitely more important and extremely stressful. I have called mental health access line and saw a doctor who said for me to see a doctor 

[TK75]

Thank you for your messages, white knight and TonyWK, Its good to hear when things work out well for people. I guess that in 2012 when I had a what they called a brief psychotic episode, put in hospital for a month, I did get my life back on track. The funny thing is that a few times I have been referred to mental health, but been so in denial anything was wrong and always refused medication, and now I am basically chasing mental health and really realising that my behaviour and thoughts have not been alright at all, it is always caused from stress and not sleeping for nights on end. I did try to get help though as I was getting really angry and extremely sad, went to the hospital and got sent home with antidepressants and I just got worse, went to my Dr, asked for a mental health plan, she gave me valium which didn't help either. I used to have my son half of the time last year when I had a home, job and car, I know he will be missing me,and will have to navigate the family court again which is awful, and very judging on mental illness, as is my childs father, and just people in general sometimes. On a better note I'll keep trying to get a referral to mental health, the same mental health that I found irritating last year after being referred to them by the police and others, for good reason I realise now, and am moving into a kind of boarding house that I can afford on jobseeker, I really do worry about becoming out there psychotic and manic again though.

[white knight]

Hi,

Worry only produces ulcers. 

Re, family court, jobseeker etc, one step at a time, try to relax, you can't rush processes especially Govt departments. 

There's a saying "I felt sorry for myself when I had no shoes... till I saw someone with no feet"

I know you aren't wanting attention etc, it's just a way to put things into perspective  🙂 

TonyWK