Supporting my son through a rough time

[worriedparent2023]

Hi All,

I guess I am just posting here to get some advise, find people that are in the same boat, and see what has worked for others as I am struggling. 

My son recently split with his girlfriend of 8 months, initially he was ok but now not so much. He lives alone and this bothers me endlessly. However, he assures me he is good there and enjoys it. 

He is down and he is miserable, he feels very lonely as he does not have a friendship group. He feels like his whole world has fallen apart and it is breaking me. I hug him, I tell him I love him and I support him in everyway I can but I am not sure I am helping him. Last week I was receiving messages from him telling me he is done, he cannot do it anymore and he is sorry. His sister also received a message that said 'look after mum and dad for me' this had all of us leaving work and driving everywhere looking for him. He was working and he was ok, upset but ok. Its like he says these things but never actually means it, it is just a cry for help. 

I know that this will pass as it is the same thing he did when he broke up with his last girlfriend, but it is wearing thin and taking its toll on all of us. I am exhausted and constantly worried. I get to a point that I put my phone on silent, just so i can clear my own head, and function in some capacity.

How do I make him see that his world is not over, he has a lot to be thankful for and that he will be ok? 

Thank you in advance

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

I can hear how much you care about your son and how concerned you are for his well-being. It's difficult to see our loved ones going through tough times, especially when they express feelings of loneliness and despair. It's important to continue showing your love, support, and understanding, which you're already doing by hugging him, telling him you love him, and being there for him. And maybe, while the relationship was "only" 8 months long, there will be an empty spot in his life that was occupied by the GF.

What sort of things does he like doing? Perhaps you might be able to assist him in getting involved in some of his hobbies?

Sometimes, it can be challenging to make someone see things differently when they're going through a rough patch, but reminding him of the positive aspects in his life and encouraging him to seek out new friendships or activities he enjoys might help.

Also take care of yourself and find moments to recharge so you can be there for him.

[therising]

Hi worriedparent2023

Being such a deeply caring and loving parent, your son is so blessed to have you in his life. Being a deeply loving parent myself (mum to a 20yo gal and nearly 18yo guy), their pain can definitely become our pain when we have the ability to feel for them so much in so many ways. My heart goes out to you as feel your son's pain while trying to move forward in the best way possible.  

I think the loss of something so meaningful can come with challenges of the mind, body and soul in a variety of ways. While the mind may churn through some incredibly challenging internal dialogue (especially in depressing periods) such as 'I will never be happy again' or 'I'm unlovable', it can also be responsible for us redeveloping a new identity - 'I am someone who finds joy in this and that, this is who I now am or who I am becoming'. The body in withdrawal can be brutal. If a past relationship was filled with highs from natural hits of dopamine to the brain (through joyful and exciting moments together with a partner), no dopamine has naturally depressing side effects. From a soulful perspective, we can miss the things or person who brought us to life in ways that we could feel. If your son's a sensitive person, he'll be able to easily feel internal dialogue, feel a lack of exciting chemistry and feel a sense of disconnection. Sensitive people sense or feel more intensely.

Having managed the ins and outs of depression over the decades, if there's one thing that's always been a constant it's this...every depressing challenge has pushed me to redevelop or reform myself in some way (mentally, physically and/or in some soulful sense). While I couldn't see the reason for the last period of about 6 months, which actually ended just a couple of weeks ago, my brother could see it. In a nutshell, he advised 'You have to be able to see what you want to achieve, what you want or need to work towards. Medium to long term goals can require some strategic planning. Find areas in life that need work and identify what the path needs to look like'. For example, if 3 medium term goals involve greater health, friendship development and more adventure that comes with natural highs, how may that appear at the end of a 1 year period? Breaking it down, how does it appear on a monthly basis, a weekly basis and perhaps even a daily basis? For a start, what specifically do I want to achieve regarding greater physical and mental health? What types of people do I want to develop friendships with? Maybe sensitive people, as opposed to insensitive people. Maybe those who are a driving force. Where would I find such people? With adventure and highs, what ventures do I want to add and what kind of natural highs do I want to feel? Ones through extreme sports or ones out in nature?

If your son's ex was someone who often led him to see the way forward, I imagine he's lost his vision and can't see much at all. Do you know anyone who can see for him when it comes to the way ahead, someone who can  lead him to see something other than what leads him to suffer so deeply? While there are many facets to who we are, 'the goal setter' and 'the visionary/seer' may be 2 that need the most attention, exercising and development at times.