Being a bad mum and being judged

[JE111]

My son has crippling anxiety. He is 18 in two weeks and doesn't leave the house. He is on medicinal cannabis prescribed by a doctor and on a disability support pension. He also uses tobacco in a bong with the camnabis. I'm reducing his tobacco so he can reduce the addition to the cannabis. He sees a psychologist who tells me he needs to get off the cannabis as it's causing anxiety. He on is some THC and some cannabinoid cannabis. I'm working with the psychologist to encourage my son to go out. So far that's involved a bike ride and a visit to the shops. I feel like an utter failure. I try to encourage him to go out and he always says he has stomach ache and can't go. I've been to the GP and naturpaths to try and fix his gut issues. Nothing works. I feel like I'm on a very bad merry go round that simply never gets better. I woke up in the night having panic attacks about him never having a girlfriend. His has been going on for 4yrs now. The couple of psychologists I've seen judge me. They tell me I must stop this or that and don't seem to understand what it's like to live this life. My son has made 4 previous suicide attempts and is in a better place at the moment but always says he wants to kill himself when things are not going completely his way. How far do I push things? What are the answers I give when he repeatedly says he feels unwell and can't leave the house? Which psychologist can I go to who won't judge me and make me feel like the worst mum on the planet?

[Sophie_M]

Hi JE111,

Thank you for sharing this here. It sounds like you are a really caring and supportive parent, and it sounds like you’ve taken some incredibly important steps.

It’s so important, that while caring for your child, you are aware of your own emotional wellbeing. Please remember to reach out any time you feel you are struggling to the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636, or you can reach our counsellors via webchat, here.

Your son is, of course, always welcome to contact us too, or there’s our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14. We can hear it might be hard to encourage him to do so, but we are here all the same.

Please continue to share here, whenever you feel comfortable. You never know how your story might help others who can relate to what you’re going through. 

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[tranzcrybe]

Would that it was that simple to blame the parent solely for the struggles of their children, but you are but one cog in a tumultuous interaction of modern society - the blame, if any, must be spread far a wide.

However, in times like these it would help to dismiss any personal inference and focus on remedying the situation as objectively as possible (of course that requires great strength to 'provide and deprive' in balanced response).

All you can do is your best for your son although some (if not most) of that effort must also come from him.

Carry on the fight for him as necessary.

[David35]

Gut issues can be caused by anxiety. I had digestive problems for months during a bad bout of anxiety.

What does he like doing? Maybe there's some hobby he could take up at home if he's afraid to go out? Don't worry about him having a girlfriend. That just places more expectations on him which add to the anxiety. It sounds like there is a lot going on in his head. Sometimes the best thing is to just listen. Not to try and solve his problems, which is very tempting, but just so he knows he can trust you with his insecurities. Then slowly maybe start addressing these.

I'm on DSP too. My biggest fear is when people ask what I do for work? I don't. I have a woodworking hobby and care for my mum. It's a conversation killer and becomes awkward. But I try not to place any of my self worth in the hands of people who don't care about or know me.

[AinyWaya]

Hi,

I suggest you to know more about relationships and read more about it. I have to suggest you to read more about relationship. If you have good relationship then you can grow more than a normal person.

[Kamryn_83]

Personally, it sounds like you're a very caring and loving mum and doing everything you can for someone with a chronic drug dependency and mental health issues. 
On a side note, stomach cramping and vomiting is quite common for people who smoke marijuana heavily. It's called Cannabis Hyperemesis Syndrome. I had a housemate when I was at university who was a chronic smoker and constantly had issues with his stomach, vomiting and was guzzling alka seltzer. 

I don't think any psychologist would judge you for trying to find help for your son.  You're doing amazing.