Need desperate help for reclusive young lady

[SsyL]

Subject: My aunty's daughter, early 20s, Sydney

Problem: recluse, non-social, no work or study, odd quirks and behaviours

Possible cause: incident of bullying/betrayal from friend during schooling that wasn't addressed, compounded by being an adopted child and a migrant as well as moving between countries.

Background: Aunty married later in life, no kids of her own. Adopted daughter from within the family in Malaysia, brought her here. Spent some formative years over there before returning to Aus. Incident with friend occurred mid-high school, details unclear. Stopped school, sought initial counselling with psychologist. Issues may be worse due to realisation of adoption and not getting along with step father.

I'm seeking advice on what to do in this situation. How to address the issue/s affecting my niece, help here come out of the home and do normal activities and look after herself. Ultimately the hope is for her to be a functional member of society and have a job and be independent.

My aunty is running out of ideas, strength and time as she's getting old. She is also not very cluey about such matters and by this stage is in denial believing it will fix itself.

I'm limited by what I can do, as I'm not personally close to my niece (she responds better to females) although she attends family events. Also, as not being her immediate family I'm not privy to any details.

Having said that, we both are restricted to information as there is confidentially between Dr and patient as she was over 18 during treatment which makes it very hard. Even if we don't know the details of what is discuss, no advice is given on what to do to help in the home environment. After some time of attending session with no to little progress, they let it slide.

She has tried psychology, Headspace etc to no avail. To start again, the advice is that she needs a mental health plan. But she won't leave the house so how to get her to a clinic? Don't know if a home visit is possible but not sure how she'll respond. I've called all manner of organisation, hotline, support but have not practical solutions.

Is there anyone who is in a similar situation with family member who is reclusive? What did you do? It might help if she has someone like her to talk to and relate to.

Despite no progress for many years, she still has youth on her side and I believe there is still time to do something. She is an smart girl who is very lost. My aunty won't be around forever and I don't want her to be alone.

[Summer Rose]

Hi SsyL

Welcome to the bb forum.

It is obvious from your post that you are very worried about your niece and want to help her. She is very lucky to have family like you who care.

I am not a doctor but certainly agree that your niece would benefit from professional help. And, with the right treatment, healing is always possible.

It’s a tricky situation though because your niece is an adult, with a right to choose whether or not to engage in treatment. Many people find it hard to reach out for help—it’s scary, confronting and hard. So, you are not alone with this challenge.

If your Aunt or niece has a GP, you could make an appointment to see this doctor and ask if a home visit would be possible. Given your niece is too unwell to leave home, it’s certainly worth a try.

Is there anyone in your niece’s life that you think could try talking to her to encourage her to seek help? A cousin, old teacher or school friend? A neighbour? Could you suggest that she call the bb support line? Or join the forum? She is very likely lonely and sad and might benefit from some company.

Given not addressing the problem is clearly not helping and your niece lives in the family home, your Aunt could also consider taking a firmer approach. By this I mean telling her daughter that while it’s okay to be unwell, it’s not okay not to do anything about it.

Your Aunt could ask that as a first step that they go to family counselling, as her illness affects the whole family. At least that would get your niece in front of a professional. And it might be less confronting if she’s with her mum.

I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Post any time.

Kind thoughts to you

[SsyL]

Thanks for the response Summer Rose.

You points are valid and have been considered or tried to some degree.

As you said, her being an adult makes taking the next step harder. Plus after so many years of being in the same situation she isn't inclined to see a professional, talk to others, or deal with the issue itself. I'm not sure if she is unhappy and wants change or has just become comfortable with her situation.

Based on what her mother says, I don't think she'll be keen on starting to address her issues again after such a long break. She also won't be keen on some coming into her home (my family hasn't been in there in years). I actually have been in person with my aunt to a local Dr who supposedly does home visits but was none too helpful. Will try again.

But getting them in is simply to obtain a mental health plan and a referral. Then the problem repeats itself of how to get her to see a psychologist (they don't do home visits from my research).

There are obstacles in going down the prescribed route, that's why I hoping for advice on a more non-conventional path.

In regards to a third party, we have considered this and tried it but there is no one she is close to or trusts; that's why I'm on this forum. Even for us, her closest family here, we don't really have a connection with her as she's so closed off.

In terms of the firmer approach, I though of this as a viable option too as it's been going on too long. However, it's not in my aunty's nature and would be out of character. Furthermore, my niece is too familiar with her, has heard the nagging before and I feel we won't get the desired response.

Family counselling is a good alternative, however she is not open to discussing her problems with her mother there from what I know.

Although I believe that trying to find another Dr to visit the home and convincing her to let them in is possible. While getting her to join this forum or call up is a good option

[Summer Rose]

Hi SsyL

It was nice to hear from you again. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

I have been thinking about your concerns and want to propose another idea. That is for your Aunt to go and see a mental health professional for advice on how to approach the issue of help seeking with her daughter. You could offer to go with your Aunt if you think it would help.

I feel that success in persuading her to seek help will ultimately rest in the approach taken to the discussion. And it may take many discussions.

My daughter fell ill with a mental health condition at age 13. She could not attend school or function properly. It was a long road to recovery and one of the reasons for her success was that I had a mental health “coach”.

I saw a counsellor (a mental health nurse) for advice on how to help my daughter. I needed to understand my daughter’s illness and learn how to respond in helpful ways.

A mental health practitioner should be well placed to advise your Aunt on different strategies to try. It is not at all uncommon for people to seek help on how to help their loved ones.

Perhaps that could be the first step? You could seek advice on how to manage a potential home visit from a GP. Ultimately your niece will need to participate in the preparation of a mental health plan, so some thought and planning is required to ensure success.

What do you think?

Kind thoughts to you

[Guest_1643]

hello there

i have some ideas about this i'd like to share - feel free to reject if they don't help - more food for thought

i do'nt think it would work to try and get her to do a MH plan - for some reason with MH it doesn't seem to work when imposed... the person can be defensive and resistent or rebellious

I'd suggest focussing instead on building her self esteem up. Her confidence. Complimenting her, seeing what her strengths are and going from there

It's a bit of a catch 22 but low self-esteem leads to isolation - feeling not worthwhile of help. Perhaps if you can start with more a goal to boost her and work with what strengths she already has, she will start being more open to try things.

I love summer rose's suggestions (as always - so insightful) - as well

if the ppl around her get help, and are able to make her feel safe and good about herself, she'll feel better about help.
additionally if she doesn't feel good about herself she may not be able to make the most out of therapy or the psychology plans. I'd follow her interests, strengths and innate gifts, to find out how she can feel safer and happier in her skin, and thus worthy of help.

[SsyL]

Yeah you're right Sleepy21, it is hard to get the mental health plan started as she would already be reluctant to seek help and address the problem in the first place. And you're also right about the vicious cycle. Must find a way to break out of it.

I like the idea of complimenting her and building self esteem. We all need positivity at the best of times let alone when depressed.

Summer Rose, I love the suggestion of my aunt getting help and advice first. I will talk to her. How did it take you to convince your daughter to start 'helping herself'? And what did it take to get to that stage?

Not to always be negative, but in both scenarios I think own of the obstacles will be her step father who she doesn't have a good relationship with, has his own health issues and may not be a willing participant in trying to help her development.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Ssyl

You ask some good questions and I will do my best to answer.

My daughter was just 13 when she fell suddenly very ill with OCD, so I took charge of organising her treatment. But while I could make appointments, make sure she got there on time and pay for them, I could not force her to engage. She had to want to do this herself.

She was scared, sad and thought she was a freak and that the world would be better off without her. She didn’t want to face her condition. She was afraid to try.

I constantly reminded her how much I, and the rest of the family, loved her.

I promised her that we would fight OCD together, as a family, and I kept my promise. I reminded her that while people do fall ill, they also get better.

I emphasised that people go to doctors for treatment and seeking help for a mental health condition was no different to seeking help for diabetes, heart disease or cancer.

I kept gently talking until she was ready to hear me. It took a few months and I believe a gift I made her played a key role in changing the tide.

I made her a book, called “The Real Sarah”. I filled it with photos and stories to remind her of who she really was—a loving daughter, a good friend, a cheeky sister, an accomplished musician and sportsman. I helped her to remember the person who she was before illness and the person she could once again become. I helped her to see that her best life was worth fighting for.

She took that book with her when she was hospitalised. She carried that book interstate, when we traveled to one of the world’s best OCD clinics for treatment. And she fought to regain her life.

My beautiful girl is the bravest person I know and I am so very proud of her.

The book is long forgotten, sitting in a box in a cupboard. She doesn’t need it any more. She is at uni, in love, healthy and thriving.

I hope this part of our story helps you.

Kind thoughts to you

[SsyL]

Wow, that is so inspiring and encouraging. I'm happy for the outcome and your daughter's sense of self. But most impressive was your persistence and determination.

At least I can now see a light at the end of the tunnel. Now to work on my aunty...

[Guest_1643]

good on u ssyl for caring for her

i was that girl at 26 and didn't have nayone who cared one ounce

ur care coupled with determination to learn will be a gem for this woman, will be something very helpful for her, no doubt

[Summer Rose]

Hi Ssyl

Thank you for your very kind words. Persistence, determination and heaps of love.

I hope your talk with your Aunty goes well.

Kind thoughts to you