Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

[Carmela]

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources.

1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out.

2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands.

3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health.

4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide.

5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness.

6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push.

7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies.

8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others.

9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back.

10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in.

11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities.

12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience.

[Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

[Bonnie B]

Hi Sophie

Sorry.. still can't see a blue "new thread" button at the top of each page! I have no idea what I am doing wrong, I am logged in and have looked every where for it!!

Any assistance you can give would be appreciated.. Thanks Bonnie B

[Sophie_M]

Hi there, 

Sorry to hear that! Here's a bit more detail and some images to help you. 

At the top of each section is a blue "new thread" button. Clicking on this will open a dialog box for you to start a new thread.  You need to be registered as a member and logged in to see this button and post. 

You can start new threads in any section, except for the Long Term Support Over The Journey section, where the new thread button has been disabled. 

If you're not able to see this button after logging in and navigating to the section you'd like to post to (for example, the Welcome & Orientation section here), please reach out to us by email at modsupport@beyondblue.org.au. Please attach a screenshot to your email if possible. 

We hope that helps.

Thank you for letting us know about this Bonnie B!

Kind regards, 

Sophie M