Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

[Carmela]

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources.

1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out.

2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands.

3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health.

4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide.

5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness.

6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push.

7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies.

8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others.

9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back.

10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in.

11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities.

12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience.

[Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

[Gripo]

Marcia 30, I cannot say its the same but similar, I am feeling very helpless as my bf who was very loving has suddenly requested for space. Initially i thought it was because he was over me but he asked me not to worry and that he has some issues he needs to deal with alone and to give him sometime to himself.

He says there is no other too but he has been very irritable and would even say mean things to me and then apologies. He is acting out of character and very negative saying things like "he is not the one for me", "my mom wouldn't like him and would want me to stay away from him", "i have always felt you do not want us to work". He is very insecure and thinks i am cheating on him all the time.

I know he asked for space but i have still been contacting him once in 2 days or so to tell him i love him and miss him. I do not get a response. Not sure what to do? Do i keep going?or back off and let him contact me? Please help.

[Deby58]

Hi

How is it all going 😊

[Maree1932]

Hi, I hope this is all settled now and you are with him happily. However, if not, I would suggest perhaps give him space and focus on yourself. Once he works his problem out he will get back to you and you just accept him with love and care and affection. Yes, seems like he is going through depression and he thinks hes not good enough for you, he needs more affection and attention than someone without depression. I would say when he gives you a chance you need to show him more frequently that you love him, but be careful not to overdo it cause there is a belief in his mind that he is not good and hes worthless, so if you overdo it he might think you are deceiving him or manipulating him. This is just a personal opinion though, hope it works for you.

[Shaz1964]

thank you Carmela

my husband has bipolar 11 and other diagnosis and found your information interesting

sometimes it is hard finding the right balance between ourselves and looking after our love one like my elderly mum and my husband

I have lots of physical problems which makes it hard also

[Gripo]

Hi Deby58 and Maree1932,

Thanks for the input.

It has been very hot and cold since. I am not sure what he even has. I have been showing love and affection as much as I can, there are times i get so angry with him and express it too. If a week goes by with no contact, he initiates so that is good.I just hope he confides in me one day and lets me in. Its hard to be in the dark and feel helpless.

We have no physical intimacy since 4 months, i have even tried to openly tell him I miss that aspect of our relationship. He says he does too, but never does anything about it.

This morning he said "Good morning my love. I miss you sweetheart". But what i fail to understand is why cant he just come see me if he really misses me. what exactly is stopping him? I am finding it hard to understand him. May be i am missing something.

I am just keeping calm and respond like everything is okay. I am glad he lives with his mom so i am not worried about his safety.

I want him back. I don't know if it is ever possible now? its been almost half a year.

I suppose i should just take one day at a time 😞

[Redbird]

Hi I've been supporting my partner for a year now. We didn't realise he has depression until one day he left all of sudden to NZ a year ago for 5 weeks. When he was back, we started seeing couple therapy, he started opening up more on his suicidal thoughts. He left again 6 months later, out of the blue and for 9 weeks without telling anyone where he's at. Nobody not even his family believed he's suicidal because he hid it so well, and would only open up to me if I ask the right question. I've been struggling myself with anxiety because I don't know if he's safe when he leaves abruptly. He gets depressed knowing he's hurting me, but he can't control his thoughts. I've been getting a lot of self help and seeing psychologist to keep myself sane but I'm struggling. Everyone around me sees it as I should leave him for my own sake. He has refused to come home but stays at his parents for last 5.5 months. his family thinks I'm not letting him go and they are in denial that he's suicidal and blamed everything on me.

things have been better for last 2 months in which he started on med and agreed to see a psychologist which he said didn't quite work. but he just all of sudden started lying about his whereabouts again and I feel so insecured myself that he kept hurting me with his actions.

He has been talking more about his suicidal thoughts lately, but I really don't know how to help. I feel I am the trigger and I should let him go. but he said i am important to him and he did not want me to leave him.

I feel so helpless. He was never out of character like this and I feel so alone albeit I have friends and psychologist that I can talk to. It just seems like an endless cycle.

[CAREE]

I hope that you are not offended that I have found your post helpful. It’s awful but it’s reassuring to know that there are people in the same situation, struggling because of the person they love. I hope for you that there is a positive outcome. Maybe it can give me hope.

[Beth12]

Hi,
I've been supporting my husband for most of our 10 years together (married 8), without realising it.
My husband has dyslexia (diagnosed at 16), ADHD (mentioned at 16 but never diagnosed), which we were able to have this diagnosed about 2 years ago and Depression (diagnosed about 3 years ago).

We have three small children (6.5, 5 and 3). Once ADHD was diagnosed it was mentioned that each child was likely to have spiked the depression. Which it did when our third was 6 weeks old my husband had suicidal thoughts and was thankfully supported through a hospital mental health program.

As we all know, it can be a roller coaster. They are OK one day, not the next.

Out of the blue last week my husband told me he didn't love me. I have since been able to work out he feels his medication is a burden to take it daily and although I am in soo very much pain I can see his pain in his eyes. He has about 20 years of pain that he has barely spoken to anyone about and hasn't seeked counselling for.

I can see where his words are coming from (his pain) and am extremely fearful and have seen how situations like this can lead to separation and sever depression outcomes. I have encouraged he reconnect with the Mental health nurse he could talk to to find a good counselor he can connect and help him.

I have stayed strong, supported him, ensured my kids are ok (one with a mild disability include therapies etc to coordinate). I am now however very very tired. My strength has dwindled and I am just exhausted.

[poorlydrawn]

Hi Beth,

Thanks for sharing your story. I don't have any direct experience to compare to your situation, but it sounds like you have done amazingly well to get this far.

It's OK to be exhausted - you're only human, like the rest of us. Make sure that you get the support that you need to help you - and, writing about it on here is a good start!

If you'd like to talk more, there is a whole community here willing to listen and offer support. In the meantime, though, you're wonderful! 🙂

[BillyB]

Hi I have a partner who is 24 and hasn’t worked in 5 years , the longer she didn’t work the harder it got for her to do anything. She became more anxious. To the point she couldn’t call to pay a bill. I work most days and is a physical job. So I get in and want some time out. She has been in the house all day . Maybe going out for half hour. I know she’s struggling as I am. As I can’t understand why she can’t get up or can’t get a job. She doesn’t have a purpose . But I say things like this and she snaps and gets angry then upset