Anxious Partner

[Speckles]

My partner of 9 months had recently revealed his anxiety and unfortunately it appears to be triggered by me. He’s confirmed the reason was due to me telling him about my past relationships. I just wanted to be open and honest with him but he didn’t take it well.

When he initially told me that he was feeling this way, he revealed the cause was because he was picturing me with other men from my past which had him unsettled. I had told him he has nothing to worry about and that those people from my past relationships had done nothing wrong to me and everything was consensual. I tell him that Although it may be an unsettling image to think about, that he should remember those people from my past made me who I am today. The person who loves him. I had said to him that I didn’t want to be the reason for his paranoia and that neither of us deserve to be in this position which upset him as he is worried about losing me.

Although I’m not actively speaking to these people from my past, I may have tagged pictures or am still friends with them on social media. My partner doesn’t like that I still have these connections on social media. He keeps asking why I need to have them on there and had requested that it would help him if I deleted them/ removed the tagged photos. I was reluctant to do so because I didn’t like the thought that he was controlling me. I confronted him about this and told him that this behaviour made me feel uncomfortable and that I didn’t want to feel that I should be walking on eggshells around him.

Another fear he has is that we will bump into these people from my past when we are out. If he thinks that this is likely, he will say that he doesn’t want to go and that I should go without him to avoid him having an anxiety attack. This upset me as I want him to be with me by my side. I asked him to challenge the confrontation by at least trying to come out to these places but the thought makes him sick.

I’ve suggested going to see a counsellor together in person to try and gain an unbiased perspective of the situation but has anyone else here experienced anything similar or has any tips?

[Doolhof]

Hi Speckles,

Thanks for sharing your story. It can be difficult dealing with someone else's anxiety issues and their thoughts around trust and honesty.

There are limits to how much control you want to give another person over your own life choices and decisions. It can be a balancing act at times.

Do you think your partner has trust issues, is he insecure, does he try to control you in other ways, maybe regarding money for instance?

Seeing a counsellor would be vey helpful.

My husband was jealous and wary of any male friends I had. One male friend I had known since I was 10 years old. We only ever had a platonic relationship. My husband wanted me to tell him goodbye. I suggested my husband get to know this guy, read his messages to me and catch up with him.

The other guy is married and we now holiday at each others houses.

If your partner is able to go out with you and see how you interact with others, it may help him with his feelings and thoughts. Hopefully he will be able to see how much you do care for him.

Does your partner have a history with anyone else? Does he share this with you? How does he expect you to react if he talks about people from his past?

Hopefully you can set healthy boundaries and communication is open.

Cheers from Dools

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Speckles,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for reaching out.

This is a tricky one; I can see how you want to ease your partner's anxiety but at the same time not feel controlled by it all - it can be a bit of a fine line in asserting your boundaries and being compassionate.

Having been in your partners position (for other reasons) the things that I thought would help me were them deleting all evidence of boyfriends/girlfriends, not tagging them, not being friends with them and not interacting with them at all. If there was any inkling that I might see them, I'd retreat.

The problem with all of this is that in order for me to control my anxiety, all the responsibility had to be on my partner and his reassurance. But the problem was with me. You can delete, untag, de-friend, ignore them all you like, but my every guess is that it won't fix anything because the anxiety is often irrational.

I think that you're absolutely right in challenging the confrontation would be helpful, but it does sound like it's too overwhelming. Perhaps it would be better to have little steps instead; like for him to work on trusting what you say, and to remind himself there's no need to doubt the relationship you have.

I also agree that a counsellor would be helpful. There are a few strategies in CBT if that's something he'd be interested in.