unwanted human

[alone4eva]

well pretty much the title says it all. I'm 45 unemployed,  unemployable,  have no friends and no family.  i live for my two dogs.  and i seriously fear when i no longer have them. i spent my life depressed,  i suppose i thought someone was going to save me.  o how silly that thought was.  now I'm totally alone,  out of shadow

shape physically and emotionally. i no longer see any reason to live other than these dogs.  I've tried re engaging in old interests like computer programming.  but it's no longer interesting for me.  perhaps i just know it's too late what's the use. I'm constantly fighting off thoughts of suicide.  one look at me and everyone avoids me as I've got the sicko look. i just can't stand being around people anymore. humans are pretty awful these days.  i have lived on the Gold Coast all my life and well I've never enjoyed it. i want to move away to some small town in the middle of nowhere but IM not allowed to because I'll lose my welfare. I'm not wanted here and can't leave so i often find myself just planning to unlife myself. nothing to look forward to and nothing to bring to the table.  why continue the misery. that's what i wonder. why continue... this has been my life since 25 so 20 years of isolation,  sometimes i try and willc my heart to stop. i can't work because i need to sleep every 3 or 4 hours.

[Sophie_M]

Hello alone4eva, 

Thank you for sharing so vulnerably with our community. It sounds like so much is coming up for you and it must be very overwhelming to manage at all once, especially on your own. 

It seems like you have tried many things to shift how you are feeling. It really can be so disheartening and exhausting feeling like we haven't yet found the thing that truly lightens our spirit... though it sounds like your dogs provide a real sense of purpose and meaning for you. 

We want you to know that it is never too late for things to change and evolve; it's just about finding the support to help you get there. For example: what support might you need most to get one step closer to moving out of the city you are in? Can you start with this?

Overall, we can hear connection and support from good humans would mean so much to you right now, so we hope our community can provide an encouraging and loving space for you. Until then, you are always welcome to reach out to our support service directly here:

Talk to a counsellor - Beyond Blue - Beyond Blue

You can also contact Lifeline if these thoughts of suicide become too much to manage alone:

Lifeline Australia - 13 11 14 - Crisis Support. Suicide Prevention.

Wishing you all the best and a safe weekend -  please give your pups some extra love and hugs from us!

Warm regards, 
Sophie M. 

 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Many people struggle with life and other humans, but, of these masses, the ones with mental health challenges or physical ones, find it even harder. During periods of depression in the past I had developed a fear of people. "Fear" meaning crowds and toxic people, manipulators and aggressive types. I originally believed my years as a prison officer or my manipulative mother had a lot to do with it all but now I realise my ultra sensitivity is mainly to blame. I read that 20-25% of humans have HSP, Highly Sensitive People disorder. I began to learn about myself and eventually in 2009 was diagnosed with bipolar then this year told I'm under the autism spectrum hence it made sense that noise was a factor, people yelling when they really weren't. And so on.

So your earlier belief that "someone was going to save me" is accurate, it doesnt happen. Because no knight in shining armour doesnt come along you need to fend for yourself, your own special needs and this is where Beyondblue forum is special. We are open 24/7/365 so post and wait for a response usually within an hours or two or 24 hours.. That allows you to get things off your chest and discuss matters that Champions and members here have experienced as Community Champions are "lived experienced peer advisors". We are not trained professionals however we fill a void that they cannot- we live with mental health issues so we hold empathy as a prime qualification.

So, as you cannot move house (but a long term view of a small town is admirable and ideal, just be within 15 minutes of all facilities) then you have to tolerate the environment where you now reside, accept that for now. I hear you with your dogs, we have 2 mini foxies. The older one is 12yo and the young one is 2yo and we got the young one as we would be devastated when we lose the older one. An idea for you to ponder on, to yet a young one now or soon. 

A passion is missing in many people, however a "passion" is an activity you grow up with and it remains in you all your life, so a hobby, sport, barracking for a footy team or attending a dog group and so on has to be tackled. So how is this done when there is a dislike of people? Well with dogs lovers its more common to find those owners as compassionate, kind and share the same feelings as you do. "Birds of a feather" is a good gravitation.

Hobbies- do you have any interests at all?

This site is anonymous so can I ask you what your health issues are?

Until then, reply anytime.

PS here is a guy called Maharaji Prem Rawat. He has many youtube videos that are inspirational. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhrtbBrMQ1Y

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3aFh7OJMNA

TonyWK

[quirkywords]

Hi alone 4 eva

We are listening to  you and you are not alone . You are very human as struggle is a part of most people’s lives. I do feel for. I get little sleep. 
sophie and Tony have written supportive posts. Also by being so honest others reading your words will not feel so alone. 
I won’t repeat what others have said   I am listening to you  and admire the way you have reached out even though it would have been painful to write your post. 

[Croix]

Dear Alone4ever - um - i prefer Alone~

Why nit-pick on a name? I guess becuse it implies you can see all the future, and that is exactly something I thought before I tried to take my life, no hope of improvment, a liability and like you say "nothing to bring ot the table". Of course that changed over time.

Than again why feel obliged to bring anything to the table? It might happen  but is not necessarily something you have to do soon or straight away.

You will have seen Tony and Quirky are making contact with you, not because it is a job -we are all volunteers - but becuse of the fact you are a human being in distress, the same reason I'm writing.

OK so we are only text on the screen, however that does not mean we are not real people with our own hassles, however we would give you support as we can.

If you like to look at it that way we are a sort of half way house between full human exchanges - something you hate, and being alone with your dogs.

Don't get me wrong about dogs, they can very much help keep a person in this world, they need practical things like food, and emotional things like love -whch they return. It can at times find it hard to realise how deep their character is.

I have at the moment one dog, Foxy, who looks like a fox on stilts, and one cat, Sumo Cat, who is a dignified and very substantial cat, with really fine whiskers.

If you happen to want to know how Sumo got his name have a look here:

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/store-your-happy-memories-here/m-p/265320/highlight...

It might amuse you.

You were right in thinking people do not always get rescued by others and are thrown on thier own resources. After 20 years alone that might not mean much, habit and lifestyle seem at first glance to isolate you further, and having to  take breaks means a 'conventional' occupation is impractical.

Looking back to recapture what you have done before is sort if half right I beleive. It is outside yourself - great, unfortunately programming it is a solitary occupation -not that great.

Look, I could talk about doctors and all the medical side of things, but at the moment I'd prefer to stick to life at home.

If you did want to 'bring something to the table' -though there is no obligation - I would really like to know about your dogs, all about them , where they came from, what they do, if they have a sense of humor

You would know them so well I'd hope you might write a post back giving a verbal picture of them. The more the better. I would not be the only one ot enjoy that.

I look forward to any reply you might care to give

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Alone...

Just popping in to see how you are going, hope you have restful night

Croix