Trying to find hope on the horizon

[Lostinthewild]

So, I have become another sad and broken middle aged man. 

Typical childhood dramas left my self esteem in tatters and void of healthy boundaries. Bounced into a long term relationship that I maintained as best I could.. 20 years.. four beautiful children. I kept myself relatively healthy until things fell apart slowly..

She broke it off. I felt like an expired conveniece item. Discarded. I am a people pleaser and hung on as best I could until too mich venom let me let go and give away most of my house, car and custody. I was a mess.

I didn't have the guts to end it. Or heart to do that to my kids. Who all adore me. 

Homeless for a couple years.. lived with family.. including my abusive mother who has some form of brain damage and can be terribly judgemental and threw alot of salt in my wounds.

I met a new partner and became sweet friends. Both disfunctional. But we agreed to take care of eachother. When living arangements failed we drove interstate twice and evenyually got a rental house and I have a job and we are coping. My lack of boudaries leads me to being abused.

She hates that I had kids. Days pretty hurtful things.. usually just as a retaliation for my jealousy and insecure fears. I am sick of my excuses and woe as me attitude.

Keep just wanting to get sick and die without the guilt of suicide.. 

It haunts me everyday. I have had so much to be grateful for but I have made bad choices again. Puy myself second to my partner and feel trapped. Isolated from whatever friends and family I had.. and no longer hear from my kids.

What should I do? 

Hard answers are fine.

I really messed up my life*

[Sophie_M]

Hi Lostinthewild,

Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. It’s clear how much this is weighing on you, and that’s completely understandable. You’ve been through a lot, and relationship challenges like this can have a big impact.

From what you’ve shared here, it sounds like you have a lot of insight into yourself and the situation, and that you’ve been putting yourself second for quite some time. It also sounds like you’re ready for that to change. If you could think of just one thing, no matter how small, that might be a step toward putting yourself first, what might that look like, even hypothetically?

While we can’t tell you exactly what to do next, we’re here to support you and remind you that you’re not alone in what you’re feeling. If you ever need someone to talk to, you’re always welcome to reach out to the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636, or online at https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/. Another option is Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), especially if those thoughts of not wanting to be here feel overwhelming.

This is a lot to carry on your own, so please know you’re always welcome here to share how you’re travelling.

Take good care of yourself, Lostinthewild.

Kind regards,
Sophie M
 
 

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome to the forums.

firstly, you said that hard answers are fine.  Except for what you have said in your post, anyone else here would not understand your situation, why certain decisions were made etc. Things are always easier with 20/20 hindsight. You deserve support, not punishment.

From all the things you mentioned in your post you had to carry a heavy load. What you have had to endure is sort of a testament to your strength. It sounds like you have always put other people first.Feeling stressed, and exhausted after everything you have been through would be expected. That sucks.  Maybe it's time to put yourself first. Little unsure how that would look but it might open other doors? 

Well, can live in hope?

Listening.