The constant struggle.

[Centaured]

Why do I wake with thoughts of wanting to die...the struggle of the previous day hasn't stopped and it has already started from the moment my eyes open and will last til I close them again and then continue to go on until sleep takes me or I give in. I have found nothing really seems to give me relief from these thoughts.

So what is so bad about my life you may ask. What is so wrong or bad my existence that is the only thing ever in my head. Well nothing really, so I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I just need every to stop. I want the only permanent solution to my life.

I'm tired of dealing with this all the time. I'm tired of fighting that person in my head that tells me to do it. I'm just tired.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Centaured, 

Thank you for letting us know what's been going on for you lately, and sharing your perspectives on hanging in there, and keeping in mind the perspective that it can get better. It sounds like you're making some powerful steps, working with your support coordinator, and getting the NDIS review, and acting to keep safe at incredibly difficult times.

We're really glad that you've been able to share what's going on here, and we hope the kind words and understanding of your friends here are a comfort.

If at any point you'd like some more immediate support, please know that you can call our lovely counsellors at any time, as always.

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Centaured]

Urrrr I feel like the NDIS review was a failure. I can't do this rn. I'm tired and overwhelmed and can't breathe. I'm safe but don't know what to do.

[Chris_Tas]

Try something different.

Anything.

Find what works for you.

You need to look after YOU.

[blondguy]

Hey Centaured and a wave to Chris_Tas...Sophie_M

hoping your day has been reasonably good to you

how are you feeling?

Paul

[Centaured]

Hi blondguy, Chris Tas.

After NDIS meeting I came home, had dinner then a really long sleep. It helped.

Yesterday I didnt get up to much and just took it slow and easy.

Seeing my psychiatrist today. And I'm staying at a friends this weekend after voting.

I feel ok at the moment, even though it's currently 1:15 am and I'm not asleep.

[Centaured]

My roommate was throwing furniture around the house...I got so triggered, scared and agitated. I spoke to my mental health team coz it's made me want to hurt myself. Had a shower and chilled to music. Still kinda want to do it though. Sigh. I hate my stupid life.

[Chris_Tas]

Life is not stupid mate.

Difficult - yes.

You unlike many are honest and I respect that.

We will get through it together.

[therising]

Hi Centaured

I honestly don't know if I could manage all the incredibly challenging circumstances you face. The fact that you're able to cope to various degrees speaks volumes as to how undeniably strong you are. The challenges you face would test anyone. Periods of not being able to find the right coping mechanisms would be completely understandable. I think watching tv the entire day, just to help stop the internal dialogue, until tomorrow offered a way to cope (maybe seeing the psychologist) is in itself a form of coping. Internal dialogue can be brutal and exhausting if it's been running all day.

I'm glad you've been able to discover certain coping strategies, like the shower, music, staying at a friend's place, mental health team etc. Sometimes, I think it's matter of finding what works (to some degree) as we go along. Kind of like winging it, even if it's just to take the edge off to make it through the day, turning down the volume on emotion. People who can offer us more than something to basically cope with are a must and sometimes in short supply. They're the kinds of people who fuel hope and faith.

I imagine you may not see yourself as inspirational but you truly are an inspiration to me. I find you to be an incredibly strong person based on the circumstances you face. Centaured, you truly do stun me. You amaze me. I hope life offers you moments where you're able to reflect on how truly incredible you are and have been all this time.

[Centaured]

Thank you Chris and therising, You are an inspiration to me too.

[Centaured]

It's starting to feel like I can't be helped
At least that's what, I convince myself
Reminders of a past I can't erase
That make me sick, that I can't face
One by one, your words have torn me up
I hear them ringing inside my head
Cut me down, I just need silence now
Too many regrets sleep in my bed
Reminders of a past I can't erase
Too many memories that make me sick
Things I can't change
I can't fix, I can't face

-inside my head by until I wake.