The constant struggle.

[Centaured]

Why do I wake with thoughts of wanting to die...the struggle of the previous day hasn't stopped and it has already started from the moment my eyes open and will last til I close them again and then continue to go on until sleep takes me or I give in. I have found nothing really seems to give me relief from these thoughts.

So what is so bad about my life you may ask. What is so wrong or bad my existence that is the only thing ever in my head. Well nothing really, so I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I just need every to stop. I want the only permanent solution to my life.

I'm tired of dealing with this all the time. I'm tired of fighting that person in my head that tells me to do it. I'm just tired.

[Centaured]

I'm really struggling with my thoughts today. My mh case manager came to see me today and I just froze and couldn't say I wasn't coping today. I'm useless and pathetic.

If I hurt myself this week or next week I'll be told I'm unfit to fly and won't get to see my dad or partner for Christmas. Fck.

Urhhhh. I can't do this.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Centaured,

Thanks for reaching out tonight,

We're sorry to hear you're in a tough place at the moment and we understand how difficult it can be to open up when prompted. Please know you're not useless or pathetic, you will get through this. Our support service is checking in with your privately. 

Please remember to call 000 if you're in immediate danger to yourself. 

[On The Road]

Hi Centaured, I hope you checked with the support service. How are you feeling today?

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this, Centaured. and I'm sorry that you have feelings of uselessness sometimes we just don't know how to say it and we freeze. I can't remember how many times I totally stuck or froze in front of others while racing thoughts were messing my brain.... embarrassing, isn't it? It is difficult to open up and talk about my feelings at some points. Many times I wish I could present myself better... but these things happen quite often, and happen to many people.

Try not to stress yourself because this is not job interviewing or going on The Voice you don't need to prove anything to your case manager. As I said before, you are tired, your feelings are validated and it is completely OK that you couldn't talk about your feelings.

An imperfect conversation doesn't mean you don't have the capability to hold one. sometimes they will understand by observing non-verbal languages. And believe me, they also feel down because they may think they didn't do their jobs well.

I'm looking forward to hearing from you, take care

[Centaured]

Hey on the road. I ended up in hospital on Wednesday. I don't really have capacity to formulate a proper reply atm sorry.

Will chat soon.

[On The Road]

No worry, take care of yourself Centaured.

[Centaured]

Hey on the road.

I was discharged on Saturday and made it to the pride afterparty. I had lots of fun at the event.

Though now I'm suffering for it. My joint condition is playing up, yesterday I had 4 falls because my legs collapsed underneath just by going to toilet from bed. My body hurts so much. I hate flare ups and this one is bad. I can barely move this morning. It's shit.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Centaured,

Thanks for sharing this with us here. We can hear you're in pain, and we can imagine how hard that must be. We're thinking of you. 

Just a note to say we've checked in with you privately, and are here if you need us on 1300 22 4636, or via online chat. 

Kind regards, 
Sophie M

[On The Road]

Hi Centaured,

I'm glad that you made it to the party and had a lot of fun! How was it? Tell me more about it. 🙂

I'm sorry that your joints are acting up at the moment trying to kill all the joy. IT IS SHITTY like salt rubbing into the wonds. It must be difficult for you to bear with all these physical discomforts.🙁 Are someone there with you to support you?

Do you have any methods to soothe the pain? Have u tried to distract yourself by doing something such as binge-watching, gaming, drawing, or just sharing something on here? Anyway, tell me more about the party 🙂

I'm not a party animal but I love seeing ppl having fun. I mean the summer has just begun 😸

[Centaured]

Thanks for the concern on the road. Youre a really lovely person.

[On The Road]

Hi Centaured sorry for getting excited 😂

is the situation of your legs getting better now?

Hope everything goes smooth for you and have a great holiday~ 🙂